It's wonderful to have someone love you...the birds sing...your heart soars...you feel invincible...you're funnier...your cheeks are flushed...everything is easier...blah, blah, blah....it's true...it's just a fact...everything feels better and safer. The other fact is that you don't really know what you are made of...until someone really hates you...I'd like to say that I have never experienced that...but I'd be lying...I am that personality...that person that you love or hate...no one ever feels ambivalent about me...
The first strong woman relationship I ever had was with my mother...and...well...most of the time she hated me...and was pretty open about it...it messed me up as a kid...and I really struggled through my early adult years because of that...I think there were people who hated me that didn't have to...I brought it on myself...Hard-headed...didn't want anyone to think I was weak...and really...I was a mess inside...and believed that everyone would eventually hate me...so...I either begged for their love or did things to make them hate me ahead of time....it was all about fear...and I was full of it....But I learned a lot...and eventually I found a way to have more love in my life...I'm still learning...
I learned that people make many decisions about other people before that person opens their mouth...They decide within the first six seconds who you are....sometimes they are right...often they are wrong....Most of the time...when someone hates you...it's not about you...it's about them...you inspire fear in them...they feel less confident...less attractive...less interesting...and not so bright...in so many ways...and they hate you for breathing in and out and inspiring those inept feelings...So...what do you do?...Nothing...Sounds odd...but you can't do anything about someone else's feelings...they love you or they don't...
I know in the past....I have twisted myself up like a pretzel to win back love...or give someone what they wanted...even when they didn't know what they wanted...and it just doesn't work...because that is nothing about love...just self-loathing...I'm not saying that if someone is a thorn in your side because they hate you that kicking the sofa or yelling in the woods on a hike isn't helpful....it is...because I've done it...I felt slightly better...But at the end of the day...you really need to know who you are and what you are really responsible for...what actions you need to own....
The experience of someone hating you lets you know where your insecurities are and if you really...really believe in yourself...because when you are in a room alone with them...they don't believe in you...I deal every day with someone who clearly can't stand my presence...and I'm thankful to her...she reminds me every day that I have to believe in myself...that I need to love myself...and that if I don't have myself together...I need to figure it out...but fast...because I need to have my own back....
Love is the easy part...but you can truly appreciate it when you experience its' absence....I wish this weren't true but struggle builds character...it's when you discover...you're nobody till somebody hates you...
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