I was taught from a very young age that my life is not my own....it is owned by others...and I fought that concept like a lion. People rebel in many ways...some sneak out in the middle of the night...some drink...use drugs...sleep with lots of people...I never rebelled that way. I rebelled by not breaking...openly. I wanted everyone to know that I couldn't be broken...no one could force me to do anything...
In some ways this protected me from myself and the things that could have potentially destroyed me...as I see many of my clients destroyed...At the same time...the harder I fought like a lion...the smaller my self-imposed cage became...until one day it was like a cat carrier...
I blamed everyone for caging me...for trapping me with promises...words of love...connecting with my desires...giving me what I demanded...and I went willingly...and I stayed willingly...I allowed my great mane to be sheared...and I sat in shame. I had fought so hard that I didn't know how to do anything else...so I created battles...I created foes....I sought out misery and despair...
Now...I often think where I be if I had used all of that fierceness to move forward in life...instead of staying in one place fighting imaginary battles...Where would I be now?...Would I have ever married?...Did I need to do all of this to become something wonderful...or was it a waste of time and energy?
No matter the what ifs...I cannot blame anyone for who I am...I chose to be this way...I chose all the wonderful things that have happened in my life...and I chose most of the pain...I don't know if it was meant to be...or if it was wasted time...I do know that I've only grown when I have space to swallow in great gulps of air and exhale without reproach...from others...and myself...
I believe that is what we all want...it is why we rebel...why we fight...fight to be free or fight to shackle someone else...we want to have the ability to make things the way that we want them...The trouble is that whether we are fettered or someone else is...whether we are standing still or someone else is...it's not freedom...One doesn't gain any more freedom by pushing or holding someone else than we do pushing or holding back ourselves....
We were meant to be free and someone who allows that is the the someone that we will return to...even being true to our inner self...I clung to my ex when he decided to leave...to escape...after he had tried to put me in a box...I should have known better...I should have been wiser....but now I know...
Everything finds escape...no one grows...nothing stays...if it can't breathe....
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