Nanny Nanny Boo Boo...

I find that I have this odd relationship with the universe...I like to believe that I call the shots...and the universe constantly puts the brakes on my shot calling...Sometimes...I have no idea why my movement comes to a screeching halt...and then there are days like today...when I know why I have been placed in cement galoshes...

I am the Queen of Speed...not the amphetamine...but that urge to move things along...make things happen...I'll push and push...until I've moved myself great distances...until I've moved my project to the top...until I have pushed outcomes beyond expectations...and until I collapse in a heap...on the hardwood...I'm actually writing from the floor right now...

I had everything set for tomorrow...all tasks lined up...my mind racing through each step...jumping from one item on my To Do list...to another...all the while my eyes are closed to slits...burning incessantly...Yesterday...I was so tired that I slipped while pushing the rolling trash can to the curb...the can fell sideways...and I fell in it...on the street...in broad daylight...and I couldn't get out...not a shining moment...I stumbled into the house...blood running from my knee to my ankle...whispering curses...and I was forced to slow down...I was limping...I couldn't go faster...the universe was pointing and laughing...

Tonight...I pulled together everything I needed for my Praxis exam...(teacher test)...I ran through my practice tests...and went to print my ticket for my exam entrance...tomorrow at 8am...It wasn't there...Son of a...I heard a universal chortle...But truth be known...I'm not ready for the test...too many projects...too many worries...too many things piled on my plate...I knew it as soon as I saw what was missing...Hell...I'm still limping from my trash can tango...

I know I have to complete everything...I know that I'll do it...I also know that the universe will protect me from myself...This isn't about my doing the wrong thing...this is about me doing the right thing...but not pacing myself...and I suppose it takes a skinned and bruised knee...or a missing ticket to slow me down...make me stop and think about what I'm doing or need to do...I don't like it...I actually don't like being told what to do...but I need it...I don't have anyone in my life to be that voice...and I am a driven woman...a bit of a steamroller...in the nicest way...but heavy equipment none the less...and the universe knows this...

So...I'm at a grinding halt...I have to go back to the drawing board...retrace my steps...and fix these issues...revamp...and probably rest...the universe knows this too...My guess is that the universe wants me to know what and why I'm receiving these good things...It wants me to finish each and every project...to close the book on everything I have started...and then and only then...will I be allowed to move on...But...I have a few tricks up my sleeve...I don't claim to be smarter than the universe...but with a bit of sleep...and maybe yoga in the morning...my cat-like reflexes will be back...and we'll see if the universe can keep up with me...maybe it will be the universe head first in the trash can tomorrow...just sayin'...

Nanny nanny boo boo...stick your head....

Have My Cake...and Eat Yours Too...

I want to believe that I am not a selfish person...I work daily to help others...If my neighbor needs something...I'll help...I don't stop and stare...while others struggle with the lawnmower...Hello...to the old guy walking with his downtrodden elderly wife...who stopped at the fence and stared at my boobs...Lord knows...your staring at my tits helped a lot...especially the third time you stopped to ogle...I hope your poor wife smothers you with a pillow tonight....

As I was saying...I care about others...but...I've noticed that the farther I move away from this past year...and the more that I sell off my belongings...yes...the house becomes more empty each day...the more that I think about what I want...what I need...

I speak up more...won't take a tongue lashing sitting down...pro-actively email a list of issues to attendees of a meeting that I know is a reprimand...so...instead it becomes a "I need your help to fix these problems"....I don't apologize as much...I'm tired of it...been doing it all my life...I'm sorry you hit me...I'm sorry you hate me...I'm sorry you don't know who you are...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...Here's one more...I'm sorry that I'm not sorry anymore...

I probably have a bit more edge to my persona...Sometimes I'm just quiet...because...I want to be...I really don't need to entertain everyone...like I have most of my life...you'd think I was a clown at the circus...No...I'm not bitter...I didn't get dumped...and I'm feeling sorry for myself...I just feel as though...I deserve to feel whatever I'm feeling...it's pretty simple...

I'm promoting myself...speaking up when I want to do something...I'm finally doing what I encourage my clients to do...every day...In fact...it's one of the reasons I switched to posting every other day...If there's nothing to say...there's nothing to say...I mean...nobody really cares if I cleaned my tub today...or mowed the lawn and blew dandelion seeds to my neighbor's house...obviously the old man cared about my breasts...but I'm not going to write about them...what would I say?...Boobs...the end...

I guess...I'm suggesting that you try it...do what you want for a day...then when the shock settles...do it again...When someone says "who would like..."...raise your hand...effe it...who cares if your good at it or not?...who cares what other people think?...who cares if there are dandelions?...what did they used to do...go over the next hovel or castle and complain that the dandelions were encroaching on their plot of land?...I bet 50 bucks they'll be growing on your grave...good luck getting up and spraying them...call me...let me know how that works for you...

This isn't what you are thinking...it's not anger...it's just...why worry about it?...My neighbor bought an ugly couch...who cares?...They love it...great...I just sold mine...cool...I have braces...yay...These are little things...but my dreams...which are now my goals...are huge...bigger than this town...bigger than this state...and I can listen to the same J Lo song over and over until my ears bleed...I mean let's be honest...

I want to have my cake...and eat yours too...

Just the Facts Ma'am...

I am posting less frequently right now...not because I am particularly at a loss for words...but my focus is on practical responsibilities...the nuts and bolts of truly changing my life...In four weeks...I'll be on my way to the Mississippi Delta to attend a teacher institute...and speeding toward becoming an English teacher...

Right now...I am studying for exams...applying for positions...selling all of my belongings...and cleaning up cat puke...I think Stan is sick of all of this...My braces come off in three and half weeks...I'm trying to squeeze in workouts...and failing miserably at that...I'm writing like crazy...because I keep involving myself in projects that I have always dreamed of...including my first publication...and I'm trying to finish all the work that needs to be accomplished before I leave my current job...I'm also trying to finish my laundry...

I'm stretched to thin...but I've put on a couple of pounds...I'm tired...but I can't sleep...I'm in love...but I don't have time to see him...I'm pretty positive that I am completely crazy...and that satisfies me to my core...I keep cleaning out boxes...tubs...and drawers...and I still keep running into my former life...When did pictures become like rabbits and propagate every 15 minutes?!...

Next project will be packing what is left of me....creating a website for my teaching experience...and passing the Praxis I & II...somewhere in there I'll change my sheets and the litter in the cat box...This is crazy cool...and  there was a time when I would never have had the courage or stamina to do this...not any more...and the man in my life is proud of what I'm doing...amazing...how did that happen?!  Surely...I had nothing to do with this...

And...now I'm exhausted again...I need a pedicure...but my cats aren't very good at painting toenails...maybe we should just fall into a heap on the bed...listen to the thunder roll...and dream of the future...humidity...large mosquitoes...teeth without braces...teaching young minds and southern mice...but for now...

Just the facts ma'am....

Sincerely...Mickie...

Dear Hurting Head....

I am writing this note to excuse Mickie from worrying so much.  It appears during the past few weeks, she has developed a severe habit of worrying about things that she has no control over.   She has been struggling to sleep...has frequent migraines...checks her messages incessantly...and feels that something is inexplicably missing in her life.

I absolutely understand...that she has many gaps...or emotional holes...and often feels that she is completely alone...that she is weird...that she is destined to never have anyone love her and commit themselves to her...for any extended period of time....

Although I have shared with her...on several occasions...that a watched pot never boils...she insists on staring at the stove...wiping it down and testing the water...My concern...is that she is wasting time worrying over something that isn't worth it...That she is losing sleep over something that will come...or not come...whether she is awake or not...and that while she is investing all of this energy on fruitless situations...she is letting fresh...tasty fruit rot on the ground...

I'm sure you can appreciate my overwhelming concern...for her well-being...and...although you enjoy hurting...maybe...you could move along and mess with someone else's head...for a bit...Yes...she is 44 years old and divorced...Yes...she truly...deep down...believes in love and hopes to find it for herself...Yes...she has big dreams...huge dreams...and is semi talented...and yes...she is about to embark on a huge adventure...and is probably a tiny bit overwhelmed...and carries a itsy bitsy dot of fear...in her heart...although she would never admit it...

I say...let's give her a break...a time out...or time off from kicking herself...or feeling low...or feeling weird...even though she is weird...in all the right ways...everyone knows it...I'm hoping that this letter will encourage you to move it along and bother someone else...for just awhile...someone who deserves to have a headache...please don't make me list a few...that could use some inconvenience...

Please feel free to contact me with any concerns...or questions about why she might need a break...Hopefully...you will agree with this assessment and allow her to have a peaceful rest of her week and possibly a weekend.  You may forward any future migraines to her ex husband...and one of the jerks she works with...no names need mentioning....

Thank you for your consideration...in this matter...and it is greatly hoped that no force will have to be used to conduct this reprieve...As always...I am available to speak with you further on this matter...and hope you won't feel uncomfortable if I attend any meetings with you...wearing brass knuckles...I'm sure you catch my meaning...

Quite sincerely...Mickie

Peace will Come to the Little Valley...

I took a couple of nights off...from hearing my own voice...I had to...I was irritating me...I believe that my cat was so irritated...that he threw up all over the house...or...he may have eaten too many moths...I've been going on and on...about me...but I'm really in the "in between"...I'm in between where I was...and where I'm headed...and I'm trying desperately to control all of it...What's wrong with this picture???

I've been hanging on to all the fears...built up through my entire life...but I'm not afraid...or...I should say...there is little that I fear anymore...Hanging on to the security of being motivated by fear...is what I've been doing...It's annoying...to me and those I love...It's time to stop it...or I will throw up all over my house...

I spent time this weekend with two different couples...who have become close friends...I talked with the feminine half...and I finally listened to the masculine half...What the hell have I been doing all this time?...I think I've been running my mouth...So I shut up...and listened...

Yes...Dave...the proof...facts...evidence...is that I am so far beyond my mother's cruel words...that they don't even pertain to me anymore...and I don't know what other people are thinking...I have great instincts...but I don't know...

Jim...I do need to give the man I love a break...give him a rest...let him do what he needs to do...not what I need him to do...because I don't need it...I know how to take care of myself...I'm already doing what I need...What the hell am I driving him for?...You'd think he was a herd of cattle...and I was a Border Collie...one of the pretty tan and white ones...just saying...

My brain feels like my rented house...half empty...chaotic...scattered...half painted...My guess...is that if I spent half my energy on organizing my real responsibilities...working out...spending time with my friends...packing...my poor William would feel peace...and be drawn to me like a moth to a flame...instead of feeling like I doused him in lighter fluid...and lit a match...There I go thinking I know how he feels...again...

I just need to turn my attention to what is important now...the things that will make a difference for my future...I need to find my center...the center of my being...a place that I want to be...that others will want to be...that place where I can just be...Because I already know who I am...I need plenty of space...I have so much that I want to do...I've broken through that glass ceiling...and I am zooming into places that I only dared to dream about...If I can zip my lip long enough to take in everything around me...If I can stop dancing like a maniac...in place...maybe...just maybe...my frantic movements...will become something else...

And...peace will come to the little valley...

One Last Sweep...

I am preparing for my fourth...and final garage sale...The house is about empty...it's cold and bare...I only have left the things that I will be taking with me...on my great journey...into the unknown.  This is the second time...in my life that I have been stripped bare...and had no clear picture of what the future would hold...The first time...I walked out of my mother's house....nothing in my hands...her raised voice trailing behind me...and I slept in my car for months....I won't be sleeping in my car this time...but I don't know where I'll be sleeping...

I have thrown out all the pictures...all the trophies...the things that belonged to others...that I have clutched...and held onto...for fear that losing it...losing them...fearing I would find me...all alone...I'm not quite alone now...but I have been spending a lot of time by myself...I don't know if I am completely comfortable with me...just me...and sometimes I feel as though I am stepping into a tempest...one that I have asked for...I believe I've been asking all of my life for this freedom...this peace...

It's odd though...peace doesn't always feel peaceful...at first...It can feel desolate...uncomfortable...when all you are accustomed to is chaos...Everything feels fleeting...not unbalanced...but all the trappings that I have insulated myself with...are slipping through my fingers...like sand...

There is a part of me...that wants to stir things up...and start collecting again...because when I do that...I don't have to think...and right now...that's all I do...I think and write...and think some more...and then I write again....I am more organized...not OCD...I'm sort of losing that side of me...Each time I cleanse myself of belongings...I worry less about my tidiness...there's just so much open space...that everything is already tidy...It's almost as if I have never really been clean like this before...

So...as I look around...I see that I only have things left in my life that I need...that have a true purpose...Even my cats can feel that everything is changing...I am changing...I wonder what all three of us...the cats and I... will be at the end of this journey...or will the journey even end...Maybe...this has been my life's dilemma...I love the journey...I love the unending experience of growth...in myself...and seeing it in others...I get so excited about other's wonderful experiences...their landmark achievements...and I've never given myself room to experience those things... indefinitely...on my own...

Maybe...before I go to sleep...I'll make one more turn through the house...and see if there is anything else that needs to go...anything else that is holding me down...holding me back...maybe I'll open all the windows and let the breeze blow through the room...Maybe I'll put all my blankets on the bed...throw on my sweats...because the cats don't really care...pile up the pillows...settle in...and prepare to dream...but not before...

One last sweep...

I Know You Are...But What Am I?....

I have been facilitating the Getting Ahead curriculum for almost three years now...and as my participants reach the midway point...they start to see where they have been...and they get angry...They see...often for the first time...all the things that have been holding them back...all the things that have caused fear to well up within them...and the individuals who have blocked their path...Anger isn't always a bad thing...Sometimes it can be immensely cleansing...and so it is for those I work with...and so it has been for me...

It hurts when you face the truth...the truth of your situation...the truth of those whom you held close...and the truth of yourself...because it is often you...who betrays yourself...and others who support that betrayal...I mean...what if you moved forward...what would that say about them...So...they passively stand by...while you destroy your own future...Ahhh...relief...now none of us have to change...

Often...as I stand beside...not in front...not behind...my participants...I become their sounding board....I'm angry...I know you are...I've wasted time...I know you feel that way...I want so much more...I know you do...I have to leave these other things in order to get what I want...I know...I know...

It's at this moments...epiphanies really...that I feel that I am going to be affected again...and again...that change will touch me...and what will I do next?  How will I embrace change?  Will I be angry?  Will change look the way I hoped?  Or...will I be on my knees...crying to the heavens...begging for mercy?  Odds are all of these questions will be answered...in ways I never imagined...and the end of each shift...life will find me standing...square...on my feet and on a road I had never acknowledged before...

I often wonder...when I emotionally hold the hand of a struggling...changing participant...who is helping whom?...Is their change helping me change?...Was it going to happen for me anyway?...Or did your realization and action move me forward?  Which one of us are the butterfly wings...and who is floating in the rippling waves of movement?  Maybe we have thrown ourselves...together...into the the abstract air...and we are hurdling toward the concrete future in tandem...Does that participant know that I am free falling with them?....

I want so much...is that too much to ask?...I know you do...it's all okay...I never thought I had the right to want...I know that's true...I am going to have to walk away from all of these things...I know you're correct...Why does it have to be this way?...I know this is difficult...I hate you for showing me this...I know that  it hurts...I'm scared about what I will become.....(silence)....

I know you are....but what am I?....

Feed Me Seymour....

I was eighteen when I played the plant in Little Shop of Horrors...The director told me that she had never seen anyone connect with an inanimate object like I did...I brought to life the hungry need of the plant...At the time...I was flattered...I saw myself as a great puppeteer...looking back...I realize that I connected with the responsibility of breathing life into something...because I have lived much of my life as puppet...not for others...but for that need to feed that hungry beast that eats me up inside...

Coming out of the gate...I am a racehorse...I am Seabiscuit...I am Secretariat...By the time I round the third turn...I am the old pony at a kid's birthday...Coming out of the gate...I am ripe with the possibilities of success... and with each pass of the track...I begin to watch the other horses...their grace...their speed...how gallant they are...or fierce...Then I notice the nicks and scratches on my legs...the knobby knees...the unusual gait I have...my coloring is different...and...inside...I feel the hungry beast that eats my confidence...It is then that I finish second...at the end...the very end...I give up some tiny part of myself...

I used to think that what I gave up was so small...that it didn't mean anything...But that isn't true...eventually it adds up...and what used to be nicks and little gouges...becomes your leg or your arm...actually...it's belief in yourself...belief that you deserve what is waiting for you...at the finish line...Although I have crossed many finish lines...rarely have I won...especially when I knew I was competing...especially in love...

My youth taught me that no who had any power loved me...and those that tried would never be allowed to survive...So...I took what was offered to me...I didn't question...and when someone walked away...I just picked up my marbles....and went home...I did that in my divorce...He decided to leave...and I packed him up and out the door...in three hours...and he was thankful for it...

Now...I find myself on the track again...I know where the finish is...and who is standing on the line...and I already feel myself weakening...because...why would he wait for me?...why would he want someone dinged and damaged?....There it is...I believe that I am damaged...inside...and of course I am...that little monster....that has become so great....has been eating away at me...since the beginning of my time...It's a wonder that there is anything left...

It is time that I fight back...that I back the beast off...It is time that I become the puppeteer...instead of the puppet...It is time that I take charge of my future...and my future love...not the person...but the feelings...It is time that I allow myself to feel hunger...and reach out...stretch toward what I want...and never take my eye off the prize...because the prize is watching me...watching to see if I have the courage...the strength to endure...it all...Because if I give up during the race...I won't value the prize...

If I'm going to do this right...I need something to keep my strength up....I need nourishment...

Feed me Seymour...

Tick Tock...Tick Tock...

I have a clock on my wall...I love it...but...truth be known...it never runs properly...I try to wind it evenly...There are two gears...and even when I try to keep it balanced...it always runs ahead of schedule...At the end of it's thirty day run...it is at least two hours ahead of schedule...It is a concrete metaphor for the way that I run...way ahead of schedule...Even when I am wound evenly...I am wound too tight...and..so...I love it more...because I see myself whenever I look at it...

Someone I was very close to...had a clock that bore his name...It moved along in perfect time...and had a very quiet whirring sound...so quiet...that many never knew it was there...He was very ill...and as his illness progressed...the clock slowed...until one day...the moment he died...At that moment the clock stopped...and never ran again...I know this...because I was there...

I am eternally at peace with the realities of the inner workings of things...people...and relationships....I see beauty in the things that others see as flaws...I am flawed...seeing flaws elsewhere fills me with comfort...it offers a sense of peace...because I will never be perfect....and I don't want perfect...I want human...

Having said this...I find that in my life there are many clocks that surround me...and many of them are empty...They represent time ticking away...but if you were to open the body...there are no gears...People are pointing at it...saying...we'd better hurry...or...we'd better slow down...They say...it will come in time...or...time is running out...Yet...I wonder...how can anything be happening when the guts are not there...they are gone...they were never there...someone stole them....

Just because a clock presents as a clock...doesn't mean that it works like one...Sometimes the force of a hand does nothing to change how it runs...and without the gears...how can anyone expect it to run at all?  I think sometimes a clock isn't about telling time...Sometimes a clock whispers how things are not working...how a life moves forward and how it often just stops...I believe that we have a very intimate relationship with clocks...they remind us of how much time we have left...

I suppose I should fear the timepieces that fill my life...I should try and stifle my inner clock...but why?  What purpose would that serve...It is the things I own that just sit...that express what is stale and wasting in my life...The clock on my wall...although endlessly ahead of schedule...is the only belonging I have that never seems to collect dust...It is always moving and reminding me that this too shall pass...and several hours from now...this pain or discomfort will be replaced with other experiences...

Maybe I need another on my wall...so that my house will be filled with the beating and chiming of two...instead of just one that is wound too tight...until then...there is just one clock...

Tick tock...tick tock...

And...Scene...

I am a graduate of the American Academy of Dramatic Arts...and I am proud of the work I did while there...I'm also proud to be a classically trained actor...I'm even proud that I was forced to study mime...even though I'm good at it...and can't stand it at the same time...Having said all this...I need to share that I hate drama...And...guess what this last year has been full of....drama...

I enjoy the excitement that comes with new things...the butterflies...the anticipation...the fantastical experiences...It's invigorating...it makes you feel alive...fresh...reborn...Here's what drama feels like...acid stomach...sleepless nights...dry skin...chewed nails...and you feel inevitably old...worn down and out...Gee...I don't know why I wouldn't enjoy that...so many other people do...or so it seems...

I see it in my clients...everything is calm and even...then I receive the frantic call...filled with drama...drama...drama...They aren't satisfied with a scene well played...it has to mirror the helicopter scene in Miss Saigon...So..they will go back and re-do an event...until it is ripe with drama...No one passes away...they are die at murderous hands...No one breaks up...they bitterly fight...clawing and swinging...and somehow...someone ends up pregnant...but they don't know who's child it is...

So...as this past year has progressed...into this year...I have attempted to grasp opportunities of peace...but...just when my fingertips brush calm...some drama develops...and there I stand mouthing "what the....?"  With humble honesty...I accept responsibility for my struggle with lightning responses to triggers based on my experiences...Here's what other responses I accept responsibility for....

• Just because I am in transition from a very painful year...doesn't mean that I live in that place...no one has the right to categorize me as a particular type of person...based on a year of major trial...period...

• I am not desperate...I am reaching out...I am trying everything...desperation sounds like this..."please! please! please!..."...period...

• If you have heard me say..."please! please! please!..." and you have responded in a passive aggressive way...that "please! please! please!..." was your one opportunity...anything after becomes a fruitless game...you get one chance to jerk me around...one...period...

• My willingness to be kind...is my unwillingness to be angry inside...I have been angry most of my life...I'm tired of it...it's a waste...period...

• If you have been cruel to me...and then I'm kind to you...it's pretend...once I get past the pain...I don't feel anything for you...but that can change over time...I may care for you again...but I will never trust you again...period...

• Yes...I do struggle with the fear of losing people I love...I have lost almost everyone I've ever loved...some have been beyond my control...some were those I loved even when it was bad for me...many have died...and some I loved even thought they didn't love...even hated me...that started with birth...This isn't drama...this is real...maybe not for you...but I'm not you...I'm me...I'm sorry you aren't comfortable with my life...but tough...If this is worst you ever experience...great...I actually do a pretty damn good job moving forward in life...making lemonade out of the lemons I've been handed...deal with it...period...

• You don't have to like everything I do...I don't like everything you do...I can guarantee that...that's why we are two different people...Even identical twins don't do everything the same as the other...period...

• I am your friend or lover....not your entertainer...I'm sorry that I have things that I have to deal with...that's called life...I'm not on earth to spend all of my time keeping you happy as you deal with life's challenges...Friendship is...I'm there for you when life is difficult...and you let me help you...and vice versa...period...

• Conversely...I'm not your punching bag...don't treat me like crap...period...

• I don't like being talked down to...or analyzed...any more than you do...I don't know you more than you do...and you don't know me more than I do...we can just see each other more objectively...period...

• If you just want me to listen...tell me up front...I process verbally...don't yell me at after you haven't told me what you need...period...

• Lastly...if there is something that needs to be worked out...just work it out...don't dictate how I need to twist myself up to work things out for both of us...It doesn't need to turn into a three act play...talking over the phone is fine...meeting up when it works for both is fine...Basically...if we were three thousand miles apart...I wouldn't drive five days to meet you face to face...I'm not rich...If you are in my life...you probably aren't either...you make an effort...I'll make an effort...If one of us isn't making an effort...then it probably isn't a worthwhile activity...pretty simple...period...

Even though this has been a long monologue...please don't consider this a dramatic reading...I'm not crying...I'm not shaking my fists at the heavens...and I don't have "I'm psycho" eyes and a working jaw...I am simply stating facts...Probably...you have facts of your own...maybe you should state them too...just to put them out into the universe...That doesn't mean that I have to take them to heart...They may not be about me anyway...

And...scene...

Blind Faith...

I have a refurbished antique radio cabinet in my bedroom....and on top of it is the statuette of a famous sculpture...Eros and Psyche...When I was a child...I read all the mythologies...and the one that crept into my soul was their story...

Eros...the son of Aphrodite...fell in love with Psyche...a king's daughter...He couldn't let her know who he was...so he sent a messenger to ask for Psyche's hand...the family agreed...and off she went...to meet her lover...sight unseen...He came to her each night...in the dark...and made love to her...and...although she can't see him...she feels that he is beautiful...

Of course...after friends and family tell her this is weird...and he couldn't possibly be this wonderful man who cares for...because she can't see him...and they can't see him...she lights a candle in the bed chamber...after he is asleep...And...yes...he is beauty...and love's perfection...He awakes and cries because she did not believe him...and they are forever separated...because she could not believe in something she could not see with her own eyes....

I have always striven to believe without seeing...and...as any client I have worked with can tell you...I can believe for other people...I can lead them to the fountain of dreams...where they can drink in whatever they desire...As for myself...I struggle daily...with my inability to believe in others...namely those closest to me...and so...I am quicker to believe the negative...than I am...to believe the positive...

I am Psyche...I often disbelieve so much...that I will drive a person to do the very thing I am afraid of...I am quite sure that I have lost much...for this reason...And now...I am in an unexpected relationship...and I have a choice...I can believe that because there is great distance between us...it will not work...that he has created this distance...Or I can choose to believe that even in the dark of night...he is with me...That his desire is mine...And that sometimes...things do work out...People do fall in love...and were meant to be together...

And then...maybe it's not the other person that I don't believe...Maybe...I don't believe I deserve to have someone be true to me...Maybe...I don't believe that I deserve the love of another...Maybe...I don't really know what it feels like to be loved...truly loved...deeply loved...and when it is offered...I am often blind to it...I wonder what it would be like to believe...to my core....that a person is there for me...that they see me as I am...I don't know what that would look like...but maybe it's time...

...for blind faith...

Let It Burn...

Relationships are the greatest force in life...Relationships with friends...family...lovers...and with ourselves...When I say greatest force...I mean it in the sense that to all things there is a positive....and a negative...Sometimes...you can be positive that the terms of the relationship will last forever...and the response you receive from the other party is negative...Marriages can end...Friendships fall apart...Family can turn their back on you...and you can betray yourself...in ways that no other can...

When I was young...I believed I had the power to do great things...I believed that...if I opened my mouth and spoke...or if I wrote words on paper...it would come to pass...that I had the power to bring thoughts to life...and that others would be drawn to me...because of this power....During the past decade...I have seen dreams...relationships and my beliefs...turn to ash...and my reflection has been one covered in soot...In effect...my injuries were of the 3rd degree...and the end of last year...found me tired and scorched....to the bone...I felt that my entire life had gone up in smoke...Sometimes it feels like that when you stand too close to the fire...

The funny thing about flames...they have a life of their own...and they respond to the elements...form a connection...dance the dance...romance the entity that it touches...and although these flames have the power to destroy...they also cleanse and purify...The strongest..and longest lasting fires...begin slowly...gaining in strength...and become a force to reckon with...whereas...a flash fire...can burn itself out...as quick as it began...

I believe that all of my relationships...until last year...have been these flash fires...intense...powerful...and burning so brightly and fiercely...that they could not maintain enough oxygen to live...they ate everything...and so they extinguished themselves...And now...that I have been stripped of my dreams of the past...and the charred remains have blown away in the wind...I stand...naked and new...and everything is a possibility...because I'm not just starting over...I'm starting...The new skin of my future is fresh and clean...and...at my feet are the glowing embers of the new path I am on...and only slight curls of smoke rise...instead of the billowing...blinding smoke of before...

I think I might be on fire...but I'm not sure...I can only feel the heat..beginning to rise...and I am being romanced by tiny flames of new ideas...and tiny flames lick at the picture of my future...I've been set on fire before...but now I believe the relationship that I am developing with myself...is me standing in the birth of a  blaze...

Somehow...this time it feels warm and welcoming...this is a fire of my making...and I choose not to rush to build it into a bonfire...I choose to keep the temperature comfortable...so that others can stand there with me...I am not running from it or to it...I am just standing still...and letting the ashes fall as they may...And...as I wait for the pyre to grow higher...around me...I have to say...

Let it burn...

So You Say...

I am focused on my core issue...relationships...and even as I zero in on what has been ailing me...my entire life...I just had a conversation with a good friend about our society's loss of humanity...A man was beaten...robbed...and stripped of his clothing...and dignity...and two people caught it all on video...(pause)....two people caught it on video...I hope I don't need to say that again...two people caught it on video...I'm not sure what cuts me to the quick more...the fact that several random people came together to victimize this man...or that two people would only be concerned enough...to chronicle it for YouTube...

I remember being a child...and people averting their eyes from the bruises and unwashed hair that I sported...but I never imagined their behavior becoming the norm...especially in a society that is quick to throw red paint on a fur coat...or murder someone coming out of an abortion clinic...or chain themselves to a tree and wail about the forest's loss...

I find myself ashamed of the society we have become...with our children sexting...young women and men filming themselves having sex in the middle of clubs...and people believing that Survivor is a real life experience...What has happened to us?  Where is our dignity...our moral compass?  I don't mean...do you go to church?...I know plenty of "religious" people who judge others...condemn their own children to tremendous suffering....and seek to share with others...that they will burn in Hell...

I'm talking about looking in another's eyes...and not being able to victimize them...because you see their weakness...their frailty...and you know...that because you can see this...you cannot look past it...you cannot knowingly hurt another...

Some might see that as weakness...but I see that as great strength...It makes me wonder what the world would look like...if we were willing to sacrifice ourselves for other's safe passage...That's why my grandfather fought during WWII...that's why I have a great...great...great uncle who carried a bullet in his brain...for the rest of his life...after the Battle of Antietam...fighting for freedom...during the Civil War...and then left for Canada...when he realized that the country was fighting over commodities...rather than any man's right to freedom and dignity...

Wait a minute...does this mean...that the situations are all different...the pictures change with each century...each era...but we have always stripped others of their dignity...We have always victimized...and acted out of indifference...rather than conscience...If this is so...are we progressing?...are we regressing? Or...are we just on a hamster wheel...and we feel everything is different...because someone changed the water in the dish...and placed the cage in another location in the tiny room we live in...

I guess we are an advanced society...or so you say...

The Dating Game....

Now that I am no longer dating online...I feel that I can safely talk about it...without getting stoned...with rocks...Just wanted to clarify...

About a decade ago...people who met online were...well...weirdos...geeks...hermits...stalkers... Now...a decade later...those individuals are still on there...but they are getting laid...Not that I believe hermits and stalkers don't deserve to get laid...it just used to be more difficult for them...I mean stalkers had to actually leave their home...and...well...stalk you...Now...from the comfort of their computer chair they can pull up a selection of people...who confuse online stalking with a date...or a relationship...

Take...for instance...the experiences I have had....Wait...I have to add a disclaimer...I have made several friends during my online dating...So...if you are a guy...and we are still talking...your good...If you are a stalker...and having trouble finding me...you're not good...

So...as I was saying...a friend has one of my stalker dates in her wedding pictures...I have had to block people from Facebook...I had to move and not tell someone...and one...um...gentleman...sent me a picture of his junk...when I requested a recent photo...Little did I know...that I needed to be geographically specific...when asking for a recent photo...

Which brings me to the issue of ..."why don't you send me a pic of your hootie ha..." Why?...it truly does not pose well for pictures...and how exactly am I supposed to work that one out...without falling over and breaking my cellphone...and...if I send it...how do know it's mine?...It could be my neighbor's...

How did this happen??...I'm not that old...How did we go from talking...exchanging banter and flirtatious looks...to send me a pic of your jewels?...Is everyone so disposable...that we can instantly replaced and judged by our own nether regions?...It's bad enough...that relationships are easily dumped...and that we can insta-date right minutes after dumping or being dumped...just by paying close to $100.00 a month...But this shift to booty call and girls gone wild....how much lower can we get?

Or...maybe...we have become a society that doesn't want anyone or anything else...We want superficial in everything...don't ruffle feathers...We flock to mindless movies...our literature is beginning to lack depth...the Kardashians are famous (for what?)...and we sit around at night and watch shows where people make fools of themselves for cash...So...I guess...why wouldn't it be appropriate to send someone a photo of you peepee...

What do I know?...I spend all day working with individuals who are struggling for their dignity...because they've been stripped of it...Why shouldn't we all strip...and draw arrows to our privates?...We point out other people's private business...why not capture our own...and share that too?

Or maybe...our humanity and dignity is just one big game...the dating game....

Houston...We Have a Problem....

I am in the second third of my blogging and....as with any emotional journey...once you dig through all the steaming piles of ...what looks like your problems...at the bottom of each pile...you find your core issue...Now...a lot of people would say...this is a really good time to take a break...which is just code for...I don't want to face my real issue...But...I want to face mine...it has caused me much pain and is such a weakness....that others can use it against me...Relationships...that's it...just relationships...

I've been functionally broken most of my life...and my ability to manipulate situations to accentuate the positive...has enabled me to become a high functioning broken success...depending on the angle you look at my history...True...my mother... regrettably hated me...She taught my sisters to...as well...My only living relative...my aunt...is bitter...angry...and has dementia....So...currently...she hates me...but can't remember why...I'm fairly sure that my ex hates me deep down...but can't stand the thought of anyone disliking him...so he won't admit his anger...And those who did love me...growing up...died thousands of miles away from me...when I didn't know they were dying.  Ironically...those who have loved me unconditionally...outside of my family have all died...as well...except a few that I know of...that I hope love me...in some way...Truth is...I wasn't raised to connect with love or anyone...for that matter...I chose to attempt to connect...broken girl that I was...and I still try...to this day...

Broken people flock to me...because...well...I see them....and I don't judge their brokenness...How can I?...The world is full of broken people...that believe they are fabulously together...I have the utmost respect for individuals who admit their flaws...and chips...and dings...There is a beauty in it...there is a beauty in sadness...pain...loss...Most of life is not the smile that we see in photographs...it is the expression before the picture...or the next day...or when they are alone...No one snaps that shot...too scary...that's where I have lived ...my entire life...on the fringe of the crowd...watching...taking mental pictures of those moments that we all pretend don't exist...This isn't meant to be pitiful...just truthful...Most people feel they know me...and sadly...it is all I can do to show who I really am...and they never notice that I actually stand to the side and watch...

Working with the Getting Ahead curriculum...made it possible for my shell to start falling away...But I still have a crustiness to me...sharp edges...and raw underbelly....Yes...I can mark my life's progress...and timeline all the losses I have experienced...I can point a finger at those defining individuals who taught me to mistrust...to fear...to feel shame...to feel rage...But...at the end of the day...when I'm standing alone in the middle of a field and I'm hoping for my life and love to rocket skyward...I find that I can't get off the ground...not because my thrusters are malfunctioning...It is because I'm actually lying prone...clutching at the earth...in terror at not having solid failure under my feet...It is time to say...

Houston...we have a problem....

Setting Me Up for Failure...

Here I sit...alone...long weekend...filled with much silence...so much silence that it is deafening...and I have to ask myself...how did this happen again?...All the work he...the new man...put into bringing down my walls...only to throw up his own...and shut me out...keeping me at a distance...exactly what I don't need...anymore...

Welcome to the anger stage of grieving again...I feel as though I should get frequent flyer miles...I've been here so much...and...I have to say...it actually makes me feel lonely...I don't normally feel lonely...but days like today...really do make me feel like a leper...like there is something desperately wrong with me and I am doomed to a succession of budding relationships that turn to dust in my hand...

I could try and rationalize...saying that the universe is saving me from a big mistake...That I have guardian angels looking out for me and protecting me from bad relationships...but I'm beginning to believe that the guardian angels are blocking me so they can date the guys themselves...I think they're putting on lipstick and tight tops and stepping in front of me...looking back at me and saying...this is for your own good...and really it is for theirs...Because someone else keeps getting all these potentially great guys and I'm left eating another piece of sheet cake squares from Walmart...(they run about $1.50 to $2.49...now you know I'm telling the truth)....

These days...I'm looking good...for the most part...feeling good...making headway on future goals and the universe is showering me with career opportunities...fabulous...and I'm still alone...I know you're thinking...this is just a bump in the love road with this guy...but really it's a sign of how problems would be dealt with...in this relationship...Change or struggle or mood...would be the motivating factor to have this person shut down...so..how does that help me overcome my hypersensitivity...it doesn't...it makes it worse...believe me...although it did get me to go out and run two miles...and spend the rest of the day sneezing...

So...here I sit...hoping beyond all hope that my phone will ring...but it won't...the silence it too familiar...to much like a miserable home that I keep coming back too...At least this time...I won't watch Miley Cyrus movies or the English Patient....but I will continue to wonder if the universe and the guardian angels truly have my best interest at heart...

Or if they are just setting me up for failure....

This is How I Spell Fear....

For those of you who know me....what I'm about to reveal....will come as no surprise...This next sentence is not the surprise....I'm a city gal...transplanted in NE Colorado through a failed marriage...His family inhabits most of the plains region and...we packed up our wagon and moved out here...and then he left...but...before all of that happened...I came face to face with my...to this day...my greatest nemesis...For those who don't know me...this tale of terror will keep your light on for nights and have you swearing off potluck dinners....

When I was new and fresh...and no one really knew me...especially my ex's family...I was invited to a "dinner"....(I should have known something would go wrong...by the ominous soundtrack playing in the background)  I agreed wholeheartedly...knowing in my heart..that I had never failed when it came to food...When I asked what I should bring...the response was...a salad...This was going to be like taking candy from a baby....I make amazing salads in my sleep...

I carefully planned my ingredients for taste and color...a certain amount of crispness and lettuce that had deep green tones and no bitterness...I also brought along an assortment of dressings...I was an arsenal of delectable delights...When I arrive at the matriarchal home of grandma in charge...I timed my salad making perfectly...secretly grinning inside...They were going to be so impressed...

Dinner began with many people around the table...many...(my ex has an enormous family)...and food was passed...everyone eating with sheer abandon...and in the middle of this cornucopia of deliciousness...sat my salad...I had some...my ex ate two lettuce leaves...but no one else touched it...What made everything more confusing was that every salad plate was filled with odd variations of jello...

There was orange jello with carrots...sweet sour cream stuff and shredded cheese...strawberry jello with fruit I didn't recognize...tossed in cool whip...And...why was everyone using their salad plates for...what looked like dessert?...Just when I thought my confusion could not increase...after dinner...I was pulled aside and asked..."I thought you were going to bring a salad...?"  The sweat collected on my brow....as I looked at my full salad bowl...."Um...I did...(weakly pointing to the bowl)...uh...that bowl...that's the salad.."  "No...I mean a salad..."  "I don't know what you mean..."  Uncomfortable sigh...."...A jello salad..."

Several months later...at another extended family gathering...as I walked around a table overflowing with homemade goods...I stopped by a bowl that was filled with something that looked like melted creamsicle..."Oh...you should have some of that dear...It tastes just like orange sherbet..." Orange sherbet...being a childhood favorite...was  all that I needed to hear...as I piled my plate high...

I took in the first spoonful...a large one at that...and as I chewed...I could feel that gelatinous goo grow larger in my mouth...as the elderly woman stood beaming in front of me..."I'm so glad you like my salad.."  The horror grew in my belly....as I became aware that I would have to eat everything on my plate...while controlling my gag mechanism...

Over the past decade...I have attempted to master the mystery of the jello salad...not because I want to eat it...but because I wanted to fit in...Truth be known...the day will never come that I can whip together this terror in a bowl...In fact...I can be stopped dead in my tracks...when I am asked to bring a salad...My great fear is that they mean...jello salad...and that I will fail miserably...I can't even eat jello anymore...not even plain jello....I am afraid of it...it is my failure in food form...color it anyway you like...if I had ever been able to accomplish the jello salad feat...I would probably love it....But...it has whipped me...just like the cream that is folded in...and when I walk past a bowl of my enemy...I swear I can see it winking at me...reminding me that I am only human...and that jello will survive long past my death...No matter how you cube it...mix it...or freeze it....

J-E-L-L-O...this is how I spell fear...

Communication...What's Your Station?...

I believe in the ability to make choices...in other words...I believe that there is always more than one way to take action....Don't get me wrong...I make wrong choices every day...and the days that I have the Midas touch...are truly miracles...and...I am aware that those days are not within my power....Having said this...I still resolutely feel that it's up to us to explore all...how do you say?...options...

Things get really tough...when you find yourself....in relationships with others...who set their hat on one thing...and one thing only...There you are exploring options...they've decided on one route...and...they now feel that should be good enough information for you...a couple of sentences...dead silence...and you should be okay with that...you should accept that...

Interestingly enough...these same individuals are often the ones who want you to "communicate better"...They are quick to tell you that...in fact...you don't know how to communicate...For example...you ask a question...they don't answer...Ok...You ask another question...they don't answer...You now scramble to elicit information...not sure if you have insulted them...or really what is going on...You start testing the fence...to see if you can figure out what is going on...no answer...Then you make a matter of fact statement...and they blow up...???...You weren't yelling...You weren't being mean...You were radioing in  your fears...worries...concerns...

Now...they've tuned you out...and they are quite obviously on another station...You clearly unable to understand the programming...because it's all Greek...and you left your translation dictionary at home....Sometimes...the station is so static filled that you aren't sure if they are even talking at all...

So...what do you do?...What can you do?...Step back...Turn off your phone...pop in a CD...turn on your MP3 player...to hear complete tunes...instead of repetitive stanzas...I don't know...I clearly don't know how to handle it...I don't swallow my words anymore...Is that what I'm supposed to do?  Am I supposed to not say anything?...Keep my mouth zipped and let the music...or static...or Greek programming play on?  Is that the key to happiness?...It doesn't seem so...and with so many knobs to turn and nothing labeled...I'm not sure what my options are...Can anyone help explain this to me...because I'm lost in...what feels like ridiculous...tuneless... music....

Communication...what's your station?...

To Tell the Truth...

To tell the truth...I don't know what my future holds
To tell the truth...I struggle to believe in love for myself
To tell the truth...I never expected to achieve so much
To tell the truth...I have always thought that I would be alone
To tell the truth...I struggle to trust, even though I help others find the ability
To tell the truth...I am in love and that terrifies me
To tell the truth...I am less comfortable with intimate relationships and better with more superficial ones
To tell the truth...I would give everything to someone I love
To tell the truth...That is how I've lost so much
To tell the truth...Once I love someone...it is incredibly difficult for me to stop
To tell the truth...I dream about those that I care about
To tell the truth...I rarely dream about my own needs or desires
To tell the truth...I can often feel what other people are thinking or feeling
To tell the truth...That gets in my way
To tell the truth...I often feel that I am too challenging as a person...and try to keep my distance from others
To tell the truth...I have always told myself that I was doing this to protect them
To tell the truth...I've been doing it to protect me
To tell the truth...I have a dark side
To tell the truth...You can't experience what I have...and not have that dark side
To tell the truth...I am afraid of dying alone
To tell the truth...My mother always called me a liar
To tell the truth...It is the bane of my existence...that I am driven to tell the truth

A False Pirate.....

One of the great mysteries of my childhood was my mother's relationship with religion...I know what you are thinking...Oh God...this is where she talks about God...No...not really...This is where I start off talking about one subject and end with another...

My mother moved from religion to religion...the way most people change their clothes.  Her greatest concern with organized worship was the fear of false prophets...According to her...they were everywhere....they presented information and ideologies to the public and lived their lives entirely different...in private....And...in truth...through her mental illness haze...that was a brilliant insight...Of course...my being baptized eight times...in eight different religions...was a bit much and definitely brought me back down to earth...about her wisdoms...

She pointed these false prophets out everywhere...how they traded faces....and gave people what they wanted...when they wanted it...to save those faces...And...so...I began my wariness with others...I didn't want to fall prey to false prophets myself...This was just another danger to avoid...

As I grew up...I became quite fascinated with the idea of wearing different masks for different people...First...it was for my physical safety...eminent dangers....Then...it was to make my way into the world...to find acceptance...Soon it was to assimilate...to blend into society...In the end...it was all about moving ahead in my life...I always promised myself that I would never use my skills to hurt anyone...that I wouldn't be a false prophet...I would use my ability to manipulate situations to help others....and so I did...

Here's the thing...in the process of honing my skills in positive manipulation of situations and how I present myself...the negative aspects of this behavior slowly crept in...Like little dark shadows...they attached themselves to my good intentions and soon I was damaging...me...

You see...I began to believe my own fabrications...that I was far removed from where people I help are in their lives...when I connect with them...This includes those I love...most of all...the ones I love...Instead of protecting myself from dangerous people....I had grown adept at protecting myself from getting too close to anyone...

And...so...like a thief in the night...I climb aboard other's life ships...assess their situation...their strengths...their weaknesses...and make my plan...I usurp their needs and organize a plan...slipping it back to them...keeping just enough distance and professional performance...to allow them the opportunity to develop ownership...and then I slip overboard and sail away emotionally...The farther away I drift...the vaster the ocean between myself and any emotional involvement with another...It's a very small boat that I live on...with high sides and enormous sails that catch all the wind to take me away...

All of this high seas thievery...would make one think that I have ill intentions for others...in fact...it is quite the contrary...It is a lonely life that I live...with the sea as my husband...my lover...my family...my confidant...Only this deep...deep ocean knows how alone I am....that behind my tough exterior...my marriage to professionalism...my eye patch...I am terrified...terrified that if I stand still too long...someone will see me for who I am....dirty...barefoot...fat lipped...black eye...fighting back tears...fists clenched...hiding quarters in a metal band aid box...counting stars...counting the days until I turned eighteen...and then living in my car...not eating for days at a time...bathing in public bathrooms...lying about who I was and what I came from...

I am everyone that I help...that I work to assist...Every person...that is struggling...that is hurting...that feels forgotten...or is in pain...I am them...I've never really left those condemned houses and trailers I lived in as a child...I think I may still be sitting on the steps...watching the other children with their melting ice cream and clean clothes...I am still that lonely child...and I fear that everyone will see that I am a fraud...an untruth...

I may make my living as a prophet leading others to a promised land...

But inside I am a false pirate...

Why Is That So Difficult...????

I believe life often flows in themes...maybe a week...maybe a month...maybe a year...of reoccurring themes...When I say that there is a theme....The past months have been the theme of...I need you...please be there for me...now I'm not going to answer your phone calls or texts...This...in turn...becomes...why did you stop contacting me????...This is a behavior that keeps surfacing in my closest relationships...and I don't comprehend it...

To me...it seems so simple...I care about you...I reach out...you tell me what is going on...what you need...and then I reciprocate...but it seems that this type of communication is difficult to come by in my life...at this time...As I try to open myself to others...to be there unconditionally...it feels that there are numerous unspoken conditions that I have to navigate...and it is only when I weary of the task...that the other person awakens to the idea that I might be slipping away...and the tables are turned on me...I find myself presented with the prospect that I have not expressed myself clearly...that I have not asked for what I needed...So...what if I was responding to what you asked for?...Why do I need to ask for you to give me the same?

At what point was it determined that I am an unlimited fountain of let me give you what you need....and don't worry about showing me some form of common courtesy?  When did it become acceptable for someone to call five...ten...twenty times...and you don't need to respond?...My guess is that if situations were reversed...you might be ticked off...you might feel undervalued...taken for granted...And...just because you might have underlying motives to your behavior...doesn't mean I do too...Maybe...just maybe...I am there for you...because I'm there for you...but that doesn't mean that you now have license to indefinitely ignore that I am there...and if you do...that I don't have the right to give up...

To say that this is frustrating...is the understatement of the year...I bristle at the thought that I am shape-shifting into the replica of a doormat...I don't enjoy passive aggressive behavior...I don't do it...and I don't like receiving it...especially when it happens...and then...I'm presented with the request to ask for what I want...Well...I want you to respond when I ask a question...when I am making an effort to contact you...I don't care what the response is...but if you...whoever you is...if you want me to be there for you...respond to me...give me something to work with...don't blow me off...and then wonder why I stopped trying...Even I have an end to my rope...

So much of life is difficult...it's challenging...it's painful...and if you have someone who is reaching out to you...you can't assume they will reach out forever...while you ignore them...don't let them in...There are no excuses that are good enough...there are no reasons for behavior that includes unlimited ignoring of another person...nothing gets better...nothing becomes clearer...nothing brings you closer than opening your mouth and saying...can I have a bit of time?...or...I don't know what to say...I'll call you when I do...It seems to me that this would bridge all troubles...would bind souls...would bring hands together...And...yet...this is so lacking in our human connection...

Can someone answer???...Why is this so difficult...???

What I Want...

I didn't want to write today....just didn't want to...It's not that I had a writer's block...I just didn't feel like saying a word...In fact, I was quiet most of the afternoon...I slept...I ate...I watched a movie...and I didn't speak...not even to my cats...I think I just needed quiet...I still do...I'm only writing because I made a promise to myself...

I'm wondering how much of myself I keep quiet all of the time...I think a lot of me is on a gag order...I have been asked a lot...lately...what I want...I haven't been able to answer...that part of me is quiet...I found a list today that I had written out...an I Want list....It was filled with things...It was ridiculous...I don't need anything...

I had someone tell me that he sees me...and I wanted to say that I see me too...and I keep that quiet...that part that I see about myself...Someone told me today that she knows me and described all of these things that she knows...and she actually knows very little about me...just enough surface things to feel as though she has her finger on the pulse of my subconscious...I kept quiet about that...

I'm not sure that I know how to express myself...or my desires...sometimes I am afraid that if I start verbalizing all that I want...it will set the world on fire...and so I keep quiet...Sometimes I move my lips...silently saying I want this...I want that...but...mostly...I just think it...Sometimes I think so hard that my head hurts...

Right now...I want to be free of many things...I want to know what the future will hold...I want to be a writer...for my living...I want to have June hurry up and get here...and then December...I want to forget everything bad...or painful...that has happened...I want to sleep well...through the night...

I want...I want...I want...that's what I want...