My Way or the Highway....

I believe it would be safe to say that I am suffering from PTSD from unfaithfulness...If my date is late arriving...my mind immediately spins out of control to thoughts of how many women he has stacked like coupons...how he might be playing me...laughing behind my back at what a fool I am...hell...I even get stressed if the mailman shows up late...

It would be fabulous if I could say that the unfaithfulness I experienced with my ex husband was the only I've ever experienced...it's not...it's one of many...Sadly...unfaithfulness seems to be an epidemic.  I'm not pointing a finger strictly at men...it's rampant with both sexes...any type of relationship...you name it...it seems if people aren't doing it...they are thinking about it...

Having said that...not everyone expresses themselves through infidelity...I haven't...I know others who haven't...and I want to believe that I will have someone in my life who doesn't....I say this...as I am in the throes of a new relationship...yes...it has become a relationship...I was notified of this...much to my surprise...someone used the "L" word on me...and said he was falling in it...but I do have that fear that what looks like "L"...from a distance...can look like "S"...once you really fall into it...

So...I am sitting here waiting for him to arrive...he's late...he told me he would be...but I can't help the gnawing at my brain and my heart....that I can't trust him...because I can't trust anyone to be true to me...true to their word...Is there a pill for this?...Is there a treatment for this?...I don't think so...I think some things just take time...and patience...and communication...he's a good man...good to me...straight forward and loving...and I don't want to pin my fears on him...just because of my experiences...

I hope for this to be a new experience for me...a wonderful...long lasting one...where time can prove my fears wrong...I don't want to live in this black and white world that I feel I live in presently...I prefer shades of gray...lots of possibilities...and that someone's word is golden...Two different people coming together and dealing...together...with the twists and turns of a relationship...Not a relationship where the other person is twisting and turning to satisfy me...

I don't want my life defined by...my way or the highway...