Growing up the way that I did...in a violent chaotic world...it was vital that I be suspicious of all people...What are their intentions?...Are they trying to manipulate me?...Will I be sorry, if I let my guard down?...I turned suspicion into an art....and became adept at seeing through other's facades...I could feel the slightest change in a person and when I should extricate myself for protection...
Adulthood only increased my skills...Not only was I able to protect myself...but I could cut someone off...remove them from my life and they would never know of any pain that brought me. The only complication was that I had become more adept at pruning people out than growing relationships...With each experience...the smaller my circle of trust became...until it was so small that only I stood in the center...Instead of a forest of people...I became the only tree in the forest...
Then I married someone with acres of family...with vast foliage and strong as Oaks...I practiced new skills...I stumbled and fell much...but in the end I always found myself in the top branches...treed...by what appeared to be wolves...Each family interaction filled me with a deep fear that I would fail...disappoint...or more importantly be attacked for my differences...because deep down I never felt that I belonged...anywhere or with anyone...Everyone was out to get me...bring me down from my branches...
Just when I had begun to feel that I could lower my guard and began scaling down the trunk of my lone tree...a decade later...the husband left and I had a choice...I could climb back to the top...where I could keep watch and a safe distance from any wild animals that might bring about my demise...or I could take a chance...leap down...and acquaint myself with the living...those that actually live life...I chose...
As I have moved downward...branch to branch...I actually found that my vision became clearer and clearer...What I had thought I could see better from the top...actually became more defined the closer I came to it...I have discovered that I too was living in an Oak...tall...strong...and impervious to attacks...but by being so far away...I was often hungry for human contact...I was thirsty for love...and I was too distant for others to hear my cries...
I want to say that all is healed and erased from my past...and that suspicion never enters my mind...it does...a lifetime of practice doesn't go away in a day...but I can say that I am closer to love than I have ever been in my life...As I work my way down the trunk...I see people waiting for me...people who care...and those waiting to love me...And it's funny...when I was so high up and looked down...the wild animals looked huge...ferocious...and filled me with fear...Now that I am closer to the ground than I ever have been...it seems that the wildlife is so much smaller and harmless...One would think it would be the other way around...I have discovered that those dangerous beasts are not quite what they seemed...
In fact...the terror that sent me climbing was not a pack of wolves...the danger was small and harmless...I had spent my time...treed by a squirrel...
Thank you William...for inspiring this...
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