I haven't written for a very long time...an extended case of emotional laryngitis...I've thought things...many things...thousands of things...and been unable to verbalize them...now it's time...
If lives were a dime a dozen...then...I could say that I have had...at least...nine of them...Each one began with grasping at a brass ring...I have broken glass ceilings...I have crashed through walls...I have brought empires to their knees...and looked up at others...from stony floors...I have been a lover...a loser...a winner...a failure...an addict...an angel...a rebel...and...at times...the devil. But, every step...every decision has been from my heart...I have felt it break...beat faster...melt...stop...skip...and fill to overflowing...yet...it is my inner self...that I worried for the most...
And so...I reached for...everything...I have tried it all...I have given up...fallen down...only to stand up again...dust myself off...and drag myself...dirty and ragged...to the finish line...just in time for the next race...alone...hoping...to find that I too...had a soul...
I've never felt that I fit...that I belonged...mostly because of the way that I was raised...but partly...because I did everything that...everyone...said couldn't be done...Even now...I am one of the oldest Teach for America corps members...in my region...I teach outside of the box...I have trouble following rules...that box my kids in...and I challenge them to fight...fight for everything...to not let others define them...including me...
So...when my students were working...on another...outside the box assignment...their beautiful faces...dark eyes...furrowed brows...writing until their pencil leads broke...I could not help...but sit in the back of the room and watch...The hushed conversations...traveled from childish...to deep questioning...They were writing about a painting of a woman...alone...adrift on water...aching heart...and white...white like me...
One of my young ladies...turned to a young man and whispered...what is she thinking?...I don't know...said another...How could you know...she's white...we're not...Another face looked up...ask Ms. Lewis...she's white...silence...Then my student...who I was sure...disliked everything about me...turned...irritated...almost angry...she doesn't know...yes she does...no she doesn't...she isn't white...silence...but she is...NO she isn't...she's black like us...silence...she sees our soul...she has our soul...nodding heads...pencils scratching...
I'm sure I cried inside...I felt my heart explode...into a million pieces...brilliant...pulsating...and beyond color...
Somewhere in the room...dimly lit...classical music playing...classic artwork...outside the box...as my beautiful face's found their voices...I found what I had been searching for my entire life...I belonged...I had crossed over...I had become something greater...in a place that I never imagined I would be asked to enter...accepted for all my imperfections...my frailties...my failings...I was not alone...I was being held...as much as I was holding...and...although my feet will travel millions of more miles...before I die...I was home...and I knew it...
...deep in my soul.
