Why Do You Like Me....

I know that I am supposed to understand...I'm intelligent...I'm clever...I've lived an experience filled life...I should know this...this should be a no brainer...but I'm lost...confused...and quite obviously...unaware...and vulnerable to the trap...the cruelty trap...Maybe...because I don't do it...I can't see it...especially...when it is headed right for me...

I am an idealist...I believe in "do overs"...I believe that goodness...should beget goodness...and yet...that isn't true...often kindness and vulnerability...just begets cruelty...I have seen it...in relationships...in others...in my former marriage...in soured friendships...even before the sour...in the workplace...everywhere...Even more interesting...is that cruelty usually comes...with the face of one you trust...or...are beginning to trust...and when that face is confronted...it usually smiles...and laughs saying you are mistaken...you misunderstood...you have a problem...you are emotional...all the while continuing to push buttons...to toy with you and...well...play...

And...in the midst of all this...there comes a phrase...one that you are asked to answer...In all cases...the question is twisted...twisted...in a way that compels you...and so you do...You explain...you push forward with more kindness...and all the while you feel your protections...stripped away...a piece of your soul is stolen...and you can almost see them pocket it...not to keep...but to sell on ebay...You've been rolled...and robbed...and you stagger away with cuts and scrapes...and two dead leaves residing in your tangled hair...and they are smiling...Your humiliation is their delight...

How did this happen?...What did I do to deserve this?...Can I keep this from happening again?...These are the questions you ask...as you lick your wounds...attempting to regain dignity...still that magical question dangled by the other...pulls you in on its tractor beam...

Of all the questions...asked of me...the one last night...has always been a red flag of reckless cat and mouse...and I have always tried to answer it...Here I sit again...I did care about you...I did think you good....and kind...and admirable...But now I see you are lost...adrift on a sea of self doubt...clinging to a board from your wrecked ship...Not that you wish to reach the shore...landing on solid ground...but you are more than willing to drag another down...use them as your raft...your life preserver...I mean...if you are drowning...why not drown another...

So...when you ask me...when you smile in my face...while I am trying to recover...I have to speak the truth...one set of truths I said last night...the other I will tell you today...Yesterday...I did for all the good I thought you were...and today I see you clearly...sadly...Yesterday...I said yes...I do...and to the why...I spoke honestly...from the heart...and I will do so again...

Why do you like me...I don't...not anymore..

Ambiguously Anonymous...

Normally...I don't make it a habit of revisiting what I have written...but I discovered...after my last post...that a few people were disturbed...in a variety of ways...about what I shared...So...to avoid mass hysteria...and to acknowledge those readers who are new to my...um...journey...I will catch you up on what is going down...

This collection of short essays...is just that...but they are filled with truths...my truths...I didn't start this to pull anyone down...or to shock anyone...I began this for me...As a woman who writes all the time...for a living...I had never pursued writing...as a profession...My initial initiative was to start those dream wheels turning...and to explore...openly and honestly...my life...why I found myself suddenly single...and what would I do with that...and with me...

Originally...I wrote every day...and it was good...good to write in that way...Now...that I am farther down my path...I don't really have the luxury of writing every moment...so my posts are further apart...But...at the end of the day...I don't give names...I don't blow anyone's covers...except my own...If this is a tell all...it's my tell all...so that I don't hide anymore...Actually...it's been amazing how this has changed my life...and others that have been affected with my butterfly effect...

As for the topic that I wrote yesterday...fear not...I am not standing on the edge of a cliff...staring into a great abyss...and testing for loose rocks to aid my fall...I simply shared my experience and how I had changed...and how I shared it openly...Although...I veiled the identity of the other individual...I put myself on front street...with an issue that is not as uncommon as one would think....

What I talked about...was very real...very eye opening...and very difficult...Anytime you make a serious commitment...with yourself...it's a big deal...huge...more powerful than Harry Potter's cloaking device...If you are worried that I am tumbling down a spiral of shame...there is less to worry about what I posted...and more to worry about the staircase leading to my loft...I may very well tumble down it one day...carrying all my teacher supplies...

So...rest your head...let your eyes closes...breathe evenly...and drift into a peaceful slumber...If I write about anyone...or any topic...I will first protect the source of my experience...and second...I can promise that what I write about you tomorrow...will...and forever shall be...

Ambiguously Anonymous...

Are You Lonesome Tonight....

I am very social...even though my ex spouse would tell you differently...When I was with him...there was no room for me...He sucked up all the energy in the room...and fought for the spotlight...which I don't do...So...now that there is room for me...I am constantly accruing friendships and social experiences...it's very fulfilling and pleasure filled...

I have also been forced into the dating arena...not an area where I have ever felt comfortable...Truthfully...it's been good practice for me...I've never really...really...faced it...And...so I am now...looking it dead in the eyes...The current humor filled comments...are that I always have a date...that I am dating everyone...and...I suppose that has been an honest assessment of my activities...since I found myself suddenly single...

For months...over the past...almost two years...I have enjoyed many encounters ...dinners... breakfasts...evenings of talk...a bottle of wine...coffee...and...well...other things...and...I suppose...I have been satisfied...at times...I have tried to keep myself open to the opportunity of longtime love...only to find that it isn't there...and so I have accepted momentary love...which isn't really love...and feels very empty...

I have been berated...for dating...I have been made fun of for...dating...I have been teased for...dating...and I have foolishly laid myself out for others...who said that they wanted to love me...and they didn't...for whatever reason...all the while...I was running as fast as I could... frantically treading water...Now...I can feel myself slow...almost to a stillness...so much so...that I am barely moving...

So...when the young man called me...and said I'd like to stop on my way through...and meet you...finally...I said sure...no fluttering heart...no mad dash to dress just right...no extra time on my hair and face...When he arrived...I continued setting up my apartment...We talked...I gave him pictures to hang...we emptied boxes...and when the night came...I shared my big bed...for sleeping...

As we laid there in the darkness...staring at the ceiling...the question came...would you be interested...could we...you know...I think you are hot...I said no...and then I spoke of the unspeakable things...the fact that I am tired of accepting the crumbs that are given me...that I would rather be alone...than entertain physical romps...that leave you feeling empty...in the light of day...

Someone loved me once...I think...and I told him what that was like...to have someone look at you...and feel deliciously exposed...to experience them looking right to your very soul...and seeing all the beautiful things about you...to be in the arms of someone...feeling their love move through their hands...and into your body...the ecstasy of their lips pressed against yours...when they don't want to leave your face...your eyes...your hair...and what it feels like to have the other...the fumbling...the awkward movements...the distant...shallow satisfaction...no feelings...no layers...no passion...just precision...

He silently listened...and then agreed that there wasn't much...to the other...but that he was okay with it...if I was...I said no...kindly...but no...I couldn't do it anymore...It wasn't fun...it wasn't interesting...it wasn't me...he pleaded with me...and I asked...will you remember me very long...after...he said no...I asked...will you remember that I said no...and told you why...he said...yes...I probably won't forget it...or you....He asked...what will you do...I said...I'm afraid that I will have no choice...that I will remain alone...that in not accepting base requests...I will just have friends...not what I have dreamed of...but something...

He held my hand....I held back my tears...You are really amazing...Thank you...I think if the timing were right...we would be good together...Possibly...I think so...You may be right...Mickie...Yes...

Are you lonesome tonight...yes...