My name has always been painful...and I was a young girl when I started toying with other names...nicknames...going by my middle name...anything to not be the child named by a mentally ill mother...who hated her from the moment she was born...I wish I could say that I was exaggerating...that I was imagining her abhorrence of me...but I'm not...she told me...almost every day...that she hated me and wished I had never been born....It used to be painful...now it's just a fact....
But...what do you do when your very name inspires venomous words from the woman who carried you for nine months and whom you love through some innate instinct?....You change your name...Maybe if I have a new name...I'll be a new person...I'll be someone worth loving....As I grew...each day...I hated my name more too...it was stupid...it was unoriginal...it was ordinary...it was worthless...it was meaningless...it sounded shallow and unintelligent...it was....it was all the things she called me....
She named me after St. Michael the Archangel....She named me after my uncle who struggled with depression and was a closeted gay man....who died at age 55 after he allowed diabetes to ravage his body and lost his leg...He hated me too...What child should be burdened with all of that hatred and knowledge?...How can they possibly grow up to love what they represent?....I couldn't...So...I chose Mickie...
Mickie is funny...pert...sassy...wicked smart...creative...a go-getter...attractive...balanced...and loved....Funny thing about changing your name...it doesn't change the person underneath...it's just a cloak...something to hide behind...and what if someone looked behind the disguise...wouldn't the elephant woman still be there? Or the portrait of Dorian Gray?...peeling and wicked looking...disgusting...and valueless? I lived in fear that everyone would see how horrible I really was....
But....something has happened....something so strange and unexpected...I want to hear my name...I want someone to speak it with love...I want someone to hold me and whisper the word that has been so painful to me that I tried to make it disappear...the way my mother tried to make me disappear...I don't want to be this Mickie...this creation...I want to be me...I want to come out in the open...to be seen...to be heard...to be cared for...I am beautiful in my own right...I am unusual...I am smart...I am of great value...intelligent...and I am worthy to be loved...I say to that little girl...I'll love you...I'll care for you....I'll hold you...You have a name...
My name...my name is Michelle
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