Everyday I work with clients and encourage them to trust the process or believe that they deserve good things...I talk them through issues and persuade them to have faith in themselves....And...because they have faith in me...they accept my guidance...It's a beautiful thing to see someone desire something and then hang in until it materializes...It's extremely satisfying for me...to experience this with and for someone else...Unfortunately...my greatest weakness is not trusting others in my life...
I struggle every day trusting those around me to not cause me harm....I find that it is always in the back of my mind that I will discover I am being lied to or cheated...and...yet...I tend to choose people to insert into my life who will do just that...So...when someone trustworthy comes along...I accuse them of what I am afraid of...it's a horrible...vicious circle...Admittedly...I have had many important people in my life who have cheated me...stolen from me...and lied to me...and it is only I...who allows this to happen in my adult years...
I will stick it out with someone...give a million chances to someone who actively betrays me...like I did my mother....and when someone comes along with an unusual situation...I immediately assume that they are lying...cheating...and set them on fire...Why is that? Why do I burn the trustworthy for the sins of those who are not?
I wonder if this is another epiphany for me...buried under the huge bonfire that keeps me from letting anyone new into my life and blocks the path of someone wonderful trying to get close to me...It's as if I keep those I can't trust close...even though they burn me...because I know that they will never stay...they will extinguish...They are predictable...But someone who might prove to be true...well...I can't take the chance they might stay...prove their worth...that would mean that I deserve someone in my life...I mean there's not a burning chance in hell that I deserve that...
In a negative way...I've got a good thing going...I can consistently set myself on fire by standing too close to the flames of someone who doesn't care if I'm scorched...Then I can spend months recovering from the burn...and punishing others for my own stubborn stupidity...If I can keep this up...I'll manage to have 3rd degree burns all over my body and I'll be alone...Then my mother will really win...all those things she promised me as a child...I'll help me...make them a reality...
Ashes...ashes...I will fall down...
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