It's A Little Bit Funny....

I want to say that I have it all figured out...why my marriage disintegrated...why I'm broke...why I'm okay with everything around me being chaos...why teaching fits me like a glove...why I never did this before...why my life was filled with huge quests...and I am now satisfied with things that are so simple...why I hid my talents...or why I shelved my gifts for others...why my life was so challenging starting out...and feels less complex each day...and why my cats want desperately for me to stay up all night with them...and why all of this makes me want to laugh...I mean really laugh...in a good way...

Outwardly...I guess I appear to be this huge risk taker...Inside...I feel as though...my choices are just common sense...and it's easier to just address things...and move forward...Sometimes...I look in the mirror...and I don't recognize myself...not in a negative way...I just never could imagine myself as this person...I'm not even sure what others see...when they look at me...It must be half way decent...because they keep coming around...and I re-iterate...I have no money...so it's not for the gifts...it is a bit comical...

So...what is it that draws people to others...What is it that makes one person the honey that bees are drawn to...and someone else...the vinegar...and not the kind used in dill pickles...I mean what did I do differently...I should be angry...I should be scared...I should be that statistic...that I was told I would be...and I'm not...I'm  at a loss...as to how I got here...I don't think my eight year old plans and dreams...were really enough to make this journey...or were they?...

I look into the faces of my kids...yes...my kids...my students...and I see that I really don't have answers for them...you know...the answers...but they do...each and every face has a map...for their future...So...does my face have that map...or have I reached the end of my travels?...If it's there...why can't I see it...and why doesn't that scare me anymore?...And...why do my students look into my face...and see a future...Where does that connection begin and end?...

All of these questions...all of them...should keep me up at night...but they don't...I'm not sad anymore...I'm not lonely...I'm okay...really okay...I have some details to work out...I'm getting older...I'm not always thrilled...but I can see the beauty or purpose...in almost everything I do...and I'm not that little girl...sitting on the edge of her bed...fists clenched...teeth locked...swearing that I won't ever be that...or that no one will take my dreams...I'm just okay...calm...peaceful...

I really just laugh a lot...sometimes...when I'm shaking my fists at the heavens...I can't help it...maybe...I've just forgiven myself...for being born into a start...not of my choosing...Maybe I actually feel...that I do deserve happiness...maybe...I don't want to be unhappy...maybe...I am my own creation...maybe there will come a time...that someone wants to be a part of that...this...this place that I have created...that would be my  final dream...let's say...Seems humorous...when you think about it...that's all I have left...maybe I wasn't ever really ready before...It's the only thing...that causes a twinge...

But...in the grand scheme of things...I don't worry about this either...it will find a way...to me...into my life...and that makes me smile...life is good...not kind...just good...like my cats...who are sleeping...after a long night of keeping me up...It's just one big toothy grin...

Really...it's just a little bit funny...

I'm Picking Up What You're Putting Down...

I say it all the time...Someone will make a statement...look to me to respond...and I will...I'm picking up what you are putting down...mutual understanding...It's been almost a week of working with the 140 bright...shiny faced students...brilliant...irrepressible charm and energy...and eager...to learn...to succeed...to be seen...I chose to connect with them through writing...anything...everything...and I did...I'm doing it...

Three days...and I'm in...for the most part...Lots of questions...lots of concerns...lots of wonderment...all from them...and from me too...But each interaction...is a silent acknowledgement of my understanding...my picking up the spirit stick of support for them...They see i... and respond...and I respond to their response...

Ms. Lewis...I don't understand...do you understand what I mean?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm not sure I know how to do this...do you hear me asking for your help?....I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I don't want anyone one to know that I can't read...can you help me without drawing attention?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm a Senior and I'm in a Sophomore class...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...All our teachers leave...will you?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I just want to pass...do you think you can help me do that?...I'm picking up what you are putting down....

Ms. Lewis...I'm in foster care...and I don't want anyone to know...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm silent...but I'm listening...please don't give up on me...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I think I might want to be just like you...is that possible?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm difficult...can you work with that?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I have a bad attitude...but I'm not bad...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I don't know how to write anything good about myself...I've never heard anything to draw from...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

The list goes on and on...and on...I suppose I should be overwhelmed...but I'm not...I'm honored...honored that in three short days...they would start to show me this...that they would reach out...even in silence...or loud outbursts...just a little bit of resilience left...placed in front of me...I wonder at their belief that I deserve this...I'll do this...I'm not leaving...I'm not their parent...their sibling...their counselor...I'm just a teacher...but don't you worry honey...you can call yourself names...you can try to stop believing in yourself...I won't stop...I won't give up ...I won't walk away...I'll be here...until I can't stand any longer...no matter what painful labels...you put on yourself...

I'm picking up what you're putting down...

Making Lemmings into Lemonade...

Everyone has their core issue...usually...it is a strength that is also a weakness...mine is not being a very good follower...I'm not good at being an Indian...I naturally lean toward being a chief...What that means...is that I step up to the plate...constantly...It's an easier transition for me to organize...analyze...and produce for groups...and if there is a group project I'm involved in...I know how to align our goals...delegate responsibilities...hone talents...keep humor in the mix...and all under the auspices that I am not in charge...but I am...In all...I am not a Lemming...best case...I am a wolf in Lemming clothing...

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the terminology...I'll take charge and give you the 4-1-1...A Lemming is a small rodent...motivated by irrepressible biological urges that will drive hundreds of them to their death in deep water...all for the purpose of following...following urges...following the leader...the call...and the crowd...If I were a Lemming...I would be the one that would split off from the herd and start building a bridge...at the other end of the river...

So...what have I done?...I joined a monstrously...huge organization...that has to maintain a strict structure...to ensure that it's people succeed...and don't make a mess of their vision...But then...I tend to have my own vision...much to the chagrin of others...in my life...A short phone call to my mother...will verify that I have the gift of getting under someone's skin...and irritating them...with the question...why?...why?...why?...I like to serve that with a side of ...here's my thoughts...

Now...it would be easy to assume that this aspect of my personality...is designed to rebel...to get on people's nerves...to go against the grain...In reality...it is just a part of my nature..it is what has saved my life...my sanity...and led me to help others...in ways that break cycles...crack the catch -22's...and catapult others to exciting heights...Because of my processes...many have sharpened sticks into darts...and dipped them in back's of poisonous toads...waiting for me to walk by...I have my fair share of dings and scratches...from a blow dart...

While others have been struggling with lack of sleep...fear of deadlines...personal conflicts...and the challenges that go along with truly being out on your own...for the first time...I have been battling the urge to redesign...to coordinate a movement...to raise my hand...every fifteen minutes and advise...how annoying....obviously...And...yet...even I have a multitude of moments...where I cannot fight anymore against the waves of faces racing to...like ants...like schools of fish...like lemmings...

At the end of each day....exhaustion overtakes me...and I am no longer hungry...just parched...thirsty in a way that no water can quench...Maybe I just need to slow down...long enough to get a drink...something that will re-hydrate my motivation...something that will take me through to the end...and ...hey...it looks like everyone else is holding a cup...except me...I've been too busy trying to direct traffic...on the shaded side of the street....Maybe I just need to step over to the sunnier side...and follow for awhile...instead of lead...and while I'm moving with the crowd...instead of against it...maybe I'll get that thirst quenching liquid that I need...I can almost see the pitcher now...

It looks like someone is making lemmings into lemonade...

I'm Just...uh...Behind...

Just when I thought my writing was broken...stunted...blocked...I sat down and wrote for pleasure again...For months...I have been chasing my tail...racing behind missed buses...failing to turn things in on time...and...feeling the feelings of a failure ( I was even called that)...Mostly...I have just felt like an ass...all the time...Then I felt like an ass because I wasn't writing my blog...

Yesterday...in the midst of organizing months of work...that I never had time to organize...I saw that I had been writing all the time...my words...my thoughts...At first...I was verbally fighting back...against the asses that surrounded me...in various forms...The day I stopped writing for me...was the day that I finally nodded my head and agreed...You are right...I can't do this...I'm not smart enough...I am a failure...Secretly...I'm an ass...

I cried a lot...in my bed...I slept little...all the while having my dignity stripped each day...discovering who really cared about me...and who just found me entertaining...until...I wasn't entertaining anymore...Who needed me...until I needed them...then all I could see was their backside...as they scurried away...Through it all...I kept backing it up...to the plate...The pressure of it all...has made it difficult to discern what I miss...as I walk away...from what I have known...and crawl toward my future...

Today...I felt it though...that surge of fresh air in my lungs...as I said...don't you worry...so we don't have money for a Drama Club...I'm the Macguyver of theater...a gum wrapper...two sheets of paper and a thumb tack...and we'll have a program...There I was...suddenly...I could see my writing everywhere...on scraps of paper...corners of books...pamphlets...assignments...I hadn't lost my voice...just misplaced it...while my butt was hung out to dry...my conscious mind was just trying to survive...but my inner voice...was holding the torch...not dropping the spirit stick...

I was reminded of all my people...the hundreds of ones...that I have worked with...and how they cried many times...in my office...when will this end...and I said...you have to believe in yourself...you are doing the right things...you are not failing...just stumbling...just struggling...just finding your real strength...you are not making a fool of yourself...

There it was...today...when I looked in the mirror...when I spoke up...when I felt my inner power...I wasn't failing...just stumbling...just struggling...just finding my real strength...not making a fool of myself...I wasn't and ass...

I'm just...uh...behind...