It's a Wonderful Life...

Well...here I am...one year older and still adding to my blog...that began...last Christmas...It's at this time of the year...that I pull out my favorite movie...Last year I couldn't watch it...I wanted to punch it in the throat...but since the age of eight...I have loved...cried...and dreamed...through this Frank Capra masterpiece...

I have been George Bailey...most of my life...reaching for one thing...and then setting it aside for another...so driven to make a difference...I have often bypassed my own pleasures...for someone else...Even now...I am working each day to make a difference in my student's lives...It's happening...slowly...but it's happening...but I talk about this all the time...quite frankly...I choose to find beauty...and success...in the darkest...dankest places...

This classic movie...brings together all the beauty of Americana...family...choices...and hope...It causes me to hope...It reminds me to find hope...in all things...even the darkest...dankest times...I hope so much...that I put idealists to shame...

The aspect of the movie that I never talk about...is what brings George Bailey to the bridge...the breaking point...the moment he decides that he has no purpose...and that his presence...is no presence at all...that the world would have been better off without him...

As a child...who contemplated every avenue of escape...an ending to what broke me every day...and even as I struggled through my early adult years...with the demons that set up camp...in your mind...when you become practiced at considering a finale...that will end the pain...another part of me broke last week...when I discovered one more person...in my life...had committed suicide...this makes six...

I am leveled...this is not a movie...there was no angel that came down...diving into icy water...so that this friend could save himself...by saving another...I'm not sure what has saved me...all these years...maybe I am too stubborn...maybe too lazy...maybe I am just a fighter...but I have always found a way...a light at the end of the tunnel...

But...at this moment...I feel deep sadness...even as a sit in a new tunnel..in my life...near that bridge that George stood on...and I see the light...knowing I'll make it through...and beyond...my heart aches...not with pain...but understanding...Just as I know what it feels like to step away from that bridge...to believe again...I also know what it feels like...to carry the unbearable weight of life...a life that feels closed...and unforgiving...to clutch that railing...white knuckled...unable to cry...unable to breath...eyes pressed shut...and to feel the pull...into a plunging...downward spiral...to the icy waters below...

I only wish he had looked up...looked around...blinked his eyes...let the light in...Is it awkward to come back from so dark a moment...yes...Is it a struggle to put one foot in front of the other...yes...Is there something...or someone...out there to give us back that initial sense of purpose...yes...and do you have to make those first movements alone...yes...only you can decide to cross that bridge...instead of leap from it...and when others pull away...during your dark time...it is only because those dark times...are reminders to others...how frail and fallible we are as humans...no one wants to be reminded that this is one possible ending to a story...

Just like George Bailey...there is the possibility of a warm room...filled with people who care for you...who are waiting for you to step off the other side of the bridge...to come home...to walk toward the light...the one coming from the street lamp...on your path...to a your own doorstep...No one can drag you there...you have to find your own way there...use a map...a compass...and a fist...if you have to...but come home...bridges are meant to be crossed over...

No matter how dark...no matter how rough...no matter how long...no matter how confusing...George Bailey...really...truly...

It's a wonderful life...

This is for those who have left too soon...too empty...too alone...

Just Like Her...

This week...my friend asked me why I had stopped writing...I told him it was a long story...and that I would be sure to tell him...the next time we had time to talk...there were all sorts of crazy reasons that knocked around...in my head...I was extremely busy...I had writer's block...I am focused on my students...aliens had stolen my computer...I told myself that I was telling the truth...

I write all the time...and I have my students write every day...they write until their pencils break...until their natural reflexes have them pulling pen and paper out of their bags...as soon as they enter my room...and...yet...I haven't been able to write for months in this blog...

I think about the blog all the time...have ideas for posts...begin them often...and then...promptly...let myself down...by not writing...or worse yet...starting a post...only to erase it and walk away...silently berate myself for doing so...

So...here it is J...this is why I haven't written...

I tell people that I have no family...this isn't exactly the truth...I have an aunt...she doesn't know who I am anymore...she thinks she lives in another place and time...she is alone...and wants to be that way...she wants no one...But...there was a time...a time when she was a brilliant...beautiful woman...talented...strong...a teacher...a trail blazer...a woman to be reckoned with...and I look like her...I have...unwittingly...followed in her footsteps...

When I was young...my mother...in jealousy...and driven by her mental illness...screamed at me...all too often...you are just like her...you are just like your aunt...I never felt that I was...I only knew that she was my harbor...my safe port...in the tumultuous ocean...that was my life...She would sweep in...and carry me away to moments of happiness...and safety...this fierce lady...my aunt...

Then I grew older...and she did too...her strength became...unrelenting stubbornness...her beauty became deep seated vanity...her talent became a self-centered hammer...that she would use to drive others into the ground...her ability to trail blaze...became the freight train that would slam into other unsuspecting engines...leaving the dead and dying scattered in the surrounding fields...and when she began to lose he mental faculties...there wasn't anyone left around her to notice...or care...except me...

I tried to be there with her...and for her...until she battered me...to the point of exhaustion...and I left...defeated...ashamed...that I couldn't save her...the way she had saved me...that her once great strength...had become a battering ram that broke my will...and I left her...no...I ran...in fear...

I could hear my mother's voice...you are just like your aunt...I could see my aunt's reflection in the mirror...you are just like her...I looked down...and I saw myself...in her shoes...blazing that trail...teaching...creating....and doing it all alone...the silence deafening...

I'm scared...no...I'm terrified...is there a price to pay for being who I am...do I have to be alone...in order to make a difference...or is being alone...the result of fighting for what I believe to be right...or am I cursed...although I beat all the other labels that have been tossed at me...will I end my days...a scared...lonely woman...who believes she is somewhere else...will I eventually drive everyone away...

As I sit here...in the quiet...in the dark...I pray...please don't let this happen...I feel weak again...I feel small...I feel tossed...once again...on that angry sea of doubt...my voice...lost...in the roars of my greatest fears...and I wonder...did she ever feel this...did she know...did she know her fate...did she ever try to fight for something different...and does mourn now...as I mourn for her...

Dear God...if you exist...please...let me be like my aunt...and not...please...don't leave me alone...please...give me the courage to fight...for my life...as well as others...please...help me untangle myself...from this web...let me have others to hold my hands...and not drive them away...let me rock the boat ...but no longer be tossed upon the rocks...and let me feel peace...before I die...

Just like her...

I'll Save You a Seat...

Most of my life I have been a failure...I've failed to keep my family together...I've failed at marriage...I have failed to maintain personal financial stability...and I've failed many college classes...dropped them first...but failed...

I don't keep my weight from fluctuating...I often don't make my bed...I am not able to raise a dog...I can't help but bring hurt animals home...I irritate people...I go against the grain...I'm a rebel...in a geeky sort of way...My pie crust is less than average...I collect too much stuff...and over extend myself....

I don't work out regularly...and I have a weakness for birthday cake...I struggle sometimes from depression...and I can't have children...I want to be with people...but want to be alone...Sometimes...I cry in the shower...Sometimes...I skip a shower...I skip breakfast too...and...often...lunch...

I struggle with patience...and fall in love too quickly...I believe too long in the wrong people...and not long enough...in those who are right for me...and when I get fed up...I cut ties for good...but I believe in second chances...

I'm not  a joiner...I'm not a follower...I don't like to be tied down...but often do it to myself...I feel too much...and run my mouth more...I am empathetic...and a bulldozer...often at the same time...I am a true believer and....have never believed that anyone would really stay in my life...that I would always be alone...I am a fighter...for others...and a doormat...for those I love...

I know too much...and not enough...I have gifted instincts...and struggle to follow my gut...except...when there is food involved...and lately I am just tired...bone tired...with no patience or filter...and yet...today...all 133 of my students wrote essays for a state test...No one refused...Oh sure...ten wrote the fewest possible sentences...but all the rest...wrote with abandon...some used vocabulary words I had taught them...all in their best handwriting...and every single one of them agreed to retest in reading...to show how smart they really are...and fifty-one signed up for an additional study track...for no additional credit...because I offered...because I asked...and because...somehow...I led them to believe that they are amazing...and not failures...

I'm probably not doing anything right...I know I'm ticking people off...and I'm positive that when I die...I will go to a hell...that has icy water...where I will spend eternity in a rocking boat...because that's what I do...but I promise you...if you join me...I'll offer one...well..one hell of a ride...and don't worry about calling ahead...

I'll save you a seat...

Why Do You Like Me....

I know that I am supposed to understand...I'm intelligent...I'm clever...I've lived an experience filled life...I should know this...this should be a no brainer...but I'm lost...confused...and quite obviously...unaware...and vulnerable to the trap...the cruelty trap...Maybe...because I don't do it...I can't see it...especially...when it is headed right for me...

I am an idealist...I believe in "do overs"...I believe that goodness...should beget goodness...and yet...that isn't true...often kindness and vulnerability...just begets cruelty...I have seen it...in relationships...in others...in my former marriage...in soured friendships...even before the sour...in the workplace...everywhere...Even more interesting...is that cruelty usually comes...with the face of one you trust...or...are beginning to trust...and when that face is confronted...it usually smiles...and laughs saying you are mistaken...you misunderstood...you have a problem...you are emotional...all the while continuing to push buttons...to toy with you and...well...play...

And...in the midst of all this...there comes a phrase...one that you are asked to answer...In all cases...the question is twisted...twisted...in a way that compels you...and so you do...You explain...you push forward with more kindness...and all the while you feel your protections...stripped away...a piece of your soul is stolen...and you can almost see them pocket it...not to keep...but to sell on ebay...You've been rolled...and robbed...and you stagger away with cuts and scrapes...and two dead leaves residing in your tangled hair...and they are smiling...Your humiliation is their delight...

How did this happen?...What did I do to deserve this?...Can I keep this from happening again?...These are the questions you ask...as you lick your wounds...attempting to regain dignity...still that magical question dangled by the other...pulls you in on its tractor beam...

Of all the questions...asked of me...the one last night...has always been a red flag of reckless cat and mouse...and I have always tried to answer it...Here I sit again...I did care about you...I did think you good....and kind...and admirable...But now I see you are lost...adrift on a sea of self doubt...clinging to a board from your wrecked ship...Not that you wish to reach the shore...landing on solid ground...but you are more than willing to drag another down...use them as your raft...your life preserver...I mean...if you are drowning...why not drown another...

So...when you ask me...when you smile in my face...while I am trying to recover...I have to speak the truth...one set of truths I said last night...the other I will tell you today...Yesterday...I did for all the good I thought you were...and today I see you clearly...sadly...Yesterday...I said yes...I do...and to the why...I spoke honestly...from the heart...and I will do so again...

Why do you like me...I don't...not anymore..

Ambiguously Anonymous...

Normally...I don't make it a habit of revisiting what I have written...but I discovered...after my last post...that a few people were disturbed...in a variety of ways...about what I shared...So...to avoid mass hysteria...and to acknowledge those readers who are new to my...um...journey...I will catch you up on what is going down...

This collection of short essays...is just that...but they are filled with truths...my truths...I didn't start this to pull anyone down...or to shock anyone...I began this for me...As a woman who writes all the time...for a living...I had never pursued writing...as a profession...My initial initiative was to start those dream wheels turning...and to explore...openly and honestly...my life...why I found myself suddenly single...and what would I do with that...and with me...

Originally...I wrote every day...and it was good...good to write in that way...Now...that I am farther down my path...I don't really have the luxury of writing every moment...so my posts are further apart...But...at the end of the day...I don't give names...I don't blow anyone's covers...except my own...If this is a tell all...it's my tell all...so that I don't hide anymore...Actually...it's been amazing how this has changed my life...and others that have been affected with my butterfly effect...

As for the topic that I wrote yesterday...fear not...I am not standing on the edge of a cliff...staring into a great abyss...and testing for loose rocks to aid my fall...I simply shared my experience and how I had changed...and how I shared it openly...Although...I veiled the identity of the other individual...I put myself on front street...with an issue that is not as uncommon as one would think....

What I talked about...was very real...very eye opening...and very difficult...Anytime you make a serious commitment...with yourself...it's a big deal...huge...more powerful than Harry Potter's cloaking device...If you are worried that I am tumbling down a spiral of shame...there is less to worry about what I posted...and more to worry about the staircase leading to my loft...I may very well tumble down it one day...carrying all my teacher supplies...

So...rest your head...let your eyes closes...breathe evenly...and drift into a peaceful slumber...If I write about anyone...or any topic...I will first protect the source of my experience...and second...I can promise that what I write about you tomorrow...will...and forever shall be...

Ambiguously Anonymous...

Are You Lonesome Tonight....

I am very social...even though my ex spouse would tell you differently...When I was with him...there was no room for me...He sucked up all the energy in the room...and fought for the spotlight...which I don't do...So...now that there is room for me...I am constantly accruing friendships and social experiences...it's very fulfilling and pleasure filled...

I have also been forced into the dating arena...not an area where I have ever felt comfortable...Truthfully...it's been good practice for me...I've never really...really...faced it...And...so I am now...looking it dead in the eyes...The current humor filled comments...are that I always have a date...that I am dating everyone...and...I suppose that has been an honest assessment of my activities...since I found myself suddenly single...

For months...over the past...almost two years...I have enjoyed many encounters ...dinners... breakfasts...evenings of talk...a bottle of wine...coffee...and...well...other things...and...I suppose...I have been satisfied...at times...I have tried to keep myself open to the opportunity of longtime love...only to find that it isn't there...and so I have accepted momentary love...which isn't really love...and feels very empty...

I have been berated...for dating...I have been made fun of for...dating...I have been teased for...dating...and I have foolishly laid myself out for others...who said that they wanted to love me...and they didn't...for whatever reason...all the while...I was running as fast as I could... frantically treading water...Now...I can feel myself slow...almost to a stillness...so much so...that I am barely moving...

So...when the young man called me...and said I'd like to stop on my way through...and meet you...finally...I said sure...no fluttering heart...no mad dash to dress just right...no extra time on my hair and face...When he arrived...I continued setting up my apartment...We talked...I gave him pictures to hang...we emptied boxes...and when the night came...I shared my big bed...for sleeping...

As we laid there in the darkness...staring at the ceiling...the question came...would you be interested...could we...you know...I think you are hot...I said no...and then I spoke of the unspeakable things...the fact that I am tired of accepting the crumbs that are given me...that I would rather be alone...than entertain physical romps...that leave you feeling empty...in the light of day...

Someone loved me once...I think...and I told him what that was like...to have someone look at you...and feel deliciously exposed...to experience them looking right to your very soul...and seeing all the beautiful things about you...to be in the arms of someone...feeling their love move through their hands...and into your body...the ecstasy of their lips pressed against yours...when they don't want to leave your face...your eyes...your hair...and what it feels like to have the other...the fumbling...the awkward movements...the distant...shallow satisfaction...no feelings...no layers...no passion...just precision...

He silently listened...and then agreed that there wasn't much...to the other...but that he was okay with it...if I was...I said no...kindly...but no...I couldn't do it anymore...It wasn't fun...it wasn't interesting...it wasn't me...he pleaded with me...and I asked...will you remember me very long...after...he said no...I asked...will you remember that I said no...and told you why...he said...yes...I probably won't forget it...or you....He asked...what will you do...I said...I'm afraid that I will have no choice...that I will remain alone...that in not accepting base requests...I will just have friends...not what I have dreamed of...but something...

He held my hand....I held back my tears...You are really amazing...Thank you...I think if the timing were right...we would be good together...Possibly...I think so...You may be right...Mickie...Yes...

Are you lonesome tonight...yes...

It's A Little Bit Funny....

I want to say that I have it all figured out...why my marriage disintegrated...why I'm broke...why I'm okay with everything around me being chaos...why teaching fits me like a glove...why I never did this before...why my life was filled with huge quests...and I am now satisfied with things that are so simple...why I hid my talents...or why I shelved my gifts for others...why my life was so challenging starting out...and feels less complex each day...and why my cats want desperately for me to stay up all night with them...and why all of this makes me want to laugh...I mean really laugh...in a good way...

Outwardly...I guess I appear to be this huge risk taker...Inside...I feel as though...my choices are just common sense...and it's easier to just address things...and move forward...Sometimes...I look in the mirror...and I don't recognize myself...not in a negative way...I just never could imagine myself as this person...I'm not even sure what others see...when they look at me...It must be half way decent...because they keep coming around...and I re-iterate...I have no money...so it's not for the gifts...it is a bit comical...

So...what is it that draws people to others...What is it that makes one person the honey that bees are drawn to...and someone else...the vinegar...and not the kind used in dill pickles...I mean what did I do differently...I should be angry...I should be scared...I should be that statistic...that I was told I would be...and I'm not...I'm  at a loss...as to how I got here...I don't think my eight year old plans and dreams...were really enough to make this journey...or were they?...

I look into the faces of my kids...yes...my kids...my students...and I see that I really don't have answers for them...you know...the answers...but they do...each and every face has a map...for their future...So...does my face have that map...or have I reached the end of my travels?...If it's there...why can't I see it...and why doesn't that scare me anymore?...And...why do my students look into my face...and see a future...Where does that connection begin and end?...

All of these questions...all of them...should keep me up at night...but they don't...I'm not sad anymore...I'm not lonely...I'm okay...really okay...I have some details to work out...I'm getting older...I'm not always thrilled...but I can see the beauty or purpose...in almost everything I do...and I'm not that little girl...sitting on the edge of her bed...fists clenched...teeth locked...swearing that I won't ever be that...or that no one will take my dreams...I'm just okay...calm...peaceful...

I really just laugh a lot...sometimes...when I'm shaking my fists at the heavens...I can't help it...maybe...I've just forgiven myself...for being born into a start...not of my choosing...Maybe I actually feel...that I do deserve happiness...maybe...I don't want to be unhappy...maybe...I am my own creation...maybe there will come a time...that someone wants to be a part of that...this...this place that I have created...that would be my  final dream...let's say...Seems humorous...when you think about it...that's all I have left...maybe I wasn't ever really ready before...It's the only thing...that causes a twinge...

But...in the grand scheme of things...I don't worry about this either...it will find a way...to me...into my life...and that makes me smile...life is good...not kind...just good...like my cats...who are sleeping...after a long night of keeping me up...It's just one big toothy grin...

Really...it's just a little bit funny...

I'm Picking Up What You're Putting Down...

I say it all the time...Someone will make a statement...look to me to respond...and I will...I'm picking up what you are putting down...mutual understanding...It's been almost a week of working with the 140 bright...shiny faced students...brilliant...irrepressible charm and energy...and eager...to learn...to succeed...to be seen...I chose to connect with them through writing...anything...everything...and I did...I'm doing it...

Three days...and I'm in...for the most part...Lots of questions...lots of concerns...lots of wonderment...all from them...and from me too...But each interaction...is a silent acknowledgement of my understanding...my picking up the spirit stick of support for them...They see i... and respond...and I respond to their response...

Ms. Lewis...I don't understand...do you understand what I mean?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm not sure I know how to do this...do you hear me asking for your help?....I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I don't want anyone one to know that I can't read...can you help me without drawing attention?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm a Senior and I'm in a Sophomore class...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...All our teachers leave...will you?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I just want to pass...do you think you can help me do that?...I'm picking up what you are putting down....

Ms. Lewis...I'm in foster care...and I don't want anyone to know...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm silent...but I'm listening...please don't give up on me...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I think I might want to be just like you...is that possible?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm difficult...can you work with that?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I have a bad attitude...but I'm not bad...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I don't know how to write anything good about myself...I've never heard anything to draw from...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

The list goes on and on...and on...I suppose I should be overwhelmed...but I'm not...I'm honored...honored that in three short days...they would start to show me this...that they would reach out...even in silence...or loud outbursts...just a little bit of resilience left...placed in front of me...I wonder at their belief that I deserve this...I'll do this...I'm not leaving...I'm not their parent...their sibling...their counselor...I'm just a teacher...but don't you worry honey...you can call yourself names...you can try to stop believing in yourself...I won't stop...I won't give up ...I won't walk away...I'll be here...until I can't stand any longer...no matter what painful labels...you put on yourself...

I'm picking up what you're putting down...

Making Lemmings into Lemonade...

Everyone has their core issue...usually...it is a strength that is also a weakness...mine is not being a very good follower...I'm not good at being an Indian...I naturally lean toward being a chief...What that means...is that I step up to the plate...constantly...It's an easier transition for me to organize...analyze...and produce for groups...and if there is a group project I'm involved in...I know how to align our goals...delegate responsibilities...hone talents...keep humor in the mix...and all under the auspices that I am not in charge...but I am...In all...I am not a Lemming...best case...I am a wolf in Lemming clothing...

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the terminology...I'll take charge and give you the 4-1-1...A Lemming is a small rodent...motivated by irrepressible biological urges that will drive hundreds of them to their death in deep water...all for the purpose of following...following urges...following the leader...the call...and the crowd...If I were a Lemming...I would be the one that would split off from the herd and start building a bridge...at the other end of the river...

So...what have I done?...I joined a monstrously...huge organization...that has to maintain a strict structure...to ensure that it's people succeed...and don't make a mess of their vision...But then...I tend to have my own vision...much to the chagrin of others...in my life...A short phone call to my mother...will verify that I have the gift of getting under someone's skin...and irritating them...with the question...why?...why?...why?...I like to serve that with a side of ...here's my thoughts...

Now...it would be easy to assume that this aspect of my personality...is designed to rebel...to get on people's nerves...to go against the grain...In reality...it is just a part of my nature..it is what has saved my life...my sanity...and led me to help others...in ways that break cycles...crack the catch -22's...and catapult others to exciting heights...Because of my processes...many have sharpened sticks into darts...and dipped them in back's of poisonous toads...waiting for me to walk by...I have my fair share of dings and scratches...from a blow dart...

While others have been struggling with lack of sleep...fear of deadlines...personal conflicts...and the challenges that go along with truly being out on your own...for the first time...I have been battling the urge to redesign...to coordinate a movement...to raise my hand...every fifteen minutes and advise...how annoying....obviously...And...yet...even I have a multitude of moments...where I cannot fight anymore against the waves of faces racing to...like ants...like schools of fish...like lemmings...

At the end of each day....exhaustion overtakes me...and I am no longer hungry...just parched...thirsty in a way that no water can quench...Maybe I just need to slow down...long enough to get a drink...something that will re-hydrate my motivation...something that will take me through to the end...and ...hey...it looks like everyone else is holding a cup...except me...I've been too busy trying to direct traffic...on the shaded side of the street....Maybe I just need to step over to the sunnier side...and follow for awhile...instead of lead...and while I'm moving with the crowd...instead of against it...maybe I'll get that thirst quenching liquid that I need...I can almost see the pitcher now...

It looks like someone is making lemmings into lemonade...

I'm Just...uh...Behind...

Just when I thought my writing was broken...stunted...blocked...I sat down and wrote for pleasure again...For months...I have been chasing my tail...racing behind missed buses...failing to turn things in on time...and...feeling the feelings of a failure ( I was even called that)...Mostly...I have just felt like an ass...all the time...Then I felt like an ass because I wasn't writing my blog...

Yesterday...in the midst of organizing months of work...that I never had time to organize...I saw that I had been writing all the time...my words...my thoughts...At first...I was verbally fighting back...against the asses that surrounded me...in various forms...The day I stopped writing for me...was the day that I finally nodded my head and agreed...You are right...I can't do this...I'm not smart enough...I am a failure...Secretly...I'm an ass...

I cried a lot...in my bed...I slept little...all the while having my dignity stripped each day...discovering who really cared about me...and who just found me entertaining...until...I wasn't entertaining anymore...Who needed me...until I needed them...then all I could see was their backside...as they scurried away...Through it all...I kept backing it up...to the plate...The pressure of it all...has made it difficult to discern what I miss...as I walk away...from what I have known...and crawl toward my future...

Today...I felt it though...that surge of fresh air in my lungs...as I said...don't you worry...so we don't have money for a Drama Club...I'm the Macguyver of theater...a gum wrapper...two sheets of paper and a thumb tack...and we'll have a program...There I was...suddenly...I could see my writing everywhere...on scraps of paper...corners of books...pamphlets...assignments...I hadn't lost my voice...just misplaced it...while my butt was hung out to dry...my conscious mind was just trying to survive...but my inner voice...was holding the torch...not dropping the spirit stick...

I was reminded of all my people...the hundreds of ones...that I have worked with...and how they cried many times...in my office...when will this end...and I said...you have to believe in yourself...you are doing the right things...you are not failing...just stumbling...just struggling...just finding your real strength...you are not making a fool of yourself...

There it was...today...when I looked in the mirror...when I spoke up...when I felt my inner power...I wasn't failing...just stumbling...just struggling...just finding my real strength...not making a fool of myself...I wasn't and ass...

I'm just...uh...behind...

I Yam What I Yam...

For some odd reason...I loved watching Popeye when I was a kid...I don't have a predisposition for sailors...It's sort of a boy's cartoon...and Olive Oyle...was not attractive...so...it wasn't my goal to emulate her...but...nevertheless...I was drawn to Popeye...and his ability to commit to action...and never apologize for that commitment...He also ate a lot of spinach...

I liked the way he powered up...for tough situations...That he remained faithful to...well...a woman who had the forced potential to be a wallflower...and he still was not perfect...Let's face it...he lost Sweetpea all the time...Why I remember all of this is beyond me...or maybe not...I march to the beat of my own drum...I only cook with olive oil...I call my cat my little sweetpea...and I eat a lot of spinach too...

So...it seems only logical that I would also never apologize for my commitment to my passions...what I believe in...or believing others...in a way that transcends all adversity...including my own...This past year...has brought me to a place...where I refuse to apologize for my actions...for my weaknesses...and for excelling...in what I do...Popeye never knocked a bad guy for a loop...and then said...oh I'm so sorry for stopping you from making everyone miserable...Spinach or no spinach...he just didn't put up with nonsense...why should I?

Just like Popeye's biceps...I realize that sticking to my guns...makes me stand out...in a way that is not always comfortable...but really...who cares...I often wonder if people find certain behavior uncomfortably real...because they feel that it is a personal statement against them...I wonder if status quo makes others feel satisfied...because someone else going against the grain...might suggest that they are scared...scared of risking...embarrassment...awkwardness...or making mistakes...but then...isn't it a greater mistake to stand still and allow the water to remain calm...

I don't claim to have all the answers...hell...I might be lucky if I have two correct answers...in my lifetime...but the only thing that I will ever apologize for again...in my endeavors...is hurting another person...I will never stop rocking the boat...everyone is invited to the gun show...that I'm sticking by...I'm not sorry for my failures...or my successes...and powering up for my next challenge...is just a can of spinach away...

So...don't like me...don't like my tactics...don't like my creativity...don't like my risk taking...don't like my vulnerability...I like me...I love me...I'm not perfect...and I wouldn't want to be...how boring...and unimaginative...how fascinating life is...with all of it's imperfections and colors...and with all the words to describe my essence...I think Popeye said it best...

I yam what I yam...

I Now Pronounce You...

Elizabeth I was a striking woman...She had a head of red hair...and a head for business...stubborn...clever tongued and loved to dance...She also had a passion for men...She had within her a romantic heart and deep desires for intimate relationships with male counterparts...She also wanted a child...It was only through her ladies in waiting...that she lived vicariously...often placing them in the path of the very men...she desired herself...

Early in her...well...career...she came to understand that...in order to do great things...she could not have everything...She confronted the piercing...heartbreaking decision that...her weakness for men...would be a weakness in her life...and struggled with the tug of desire versus duty...

Now...there is no doubt in my mind that she attempted to sort through the royal possibilities...on Chivalry.com...and...probably...quite often believed that connection to be dead...She had her share of spending five hours dressing up...putting on her make-up...only to discover that the one who made her heart flutter...did not show up to the ball...or was married...or had syphilis...In any case...she had her share of disappointments...

But...I wonder what it would have been like...to share the day she fell in love...with her country...I wonder...if she looked around...and saw the green trees...soft rain...the glistening water...and the warmth...and strength of the people of the land...and realized she was already being courted...that she had...somehow...found herself in a the greatest relationship...she would ever experience...

I wonder of...the moment she felt her heart swell...in her breast...and her hand slipped into the hand...of a time and land that was all too eager...to love her back...When did she first feel the embrace...of rich culture...or spoon at night...with the deeply rooted...passionate...and pleading place...And...what did she look like...when it knelt...before her and asked for her hand...and she said yes...

I wonder...if it felt anything like I feel...I wonder if she too...stopped feeling lost...I wonder if she too...felt everything slip away...I wonder if she too felt comfort...the first time she laid in its' arms...I wonder if she too...knew she was home...

Some part of me believes she did...I couldn't possibly be the first to gaze...into a dark sky...and see my future...to see my love...my spouse...the one that I have waited for...my entire life...to feel the moist air...kiss my lips...and the breeze stroke my hair...It seems I have loved you...so long...and that I have spent my life...making my way to your arms...And...as you kneel before me...all I can say is yes...yes...yes...

Elizabeth I...awoke one day...and knew that she had said yes too...She found that she could not live without her land...that it would prove to be her greatest love...So it is for me...and the Mississippi Delta...I give you my hand...offer myself to you...and promise to be faithful...in sickness...and in health...for richer...for poorer...till death do us part...And...as I drift off to sleep...I believe I hear the stars saying...

I now pronounce you...

I'll Racist You to the Finish Line...

I was on the phone...speaking with someone who was interested in dating me...We had spoken several times...I told him what I do for a living...check...I am passionate about helping people...check...I believe in all people...check...in the goodness and brilliance...that we all possess...check...and then the question came at me...from left field...Do you socialize with them?...Them who?...You know...them...I didn't know what he was asking....

Several vague...but adamant questions later...I began to make my deductions...as to what he was asking...Do I socialize with anyone who isn't white?...My answer...without thought...Who do you think you are...to even ask that question?  But...beyond telling him that I wasn't interested in speaking with him again...I didn't know what to say...

This happened several weeks ago...and I think about this all the time...I had to ask myself...if I had said enough...if I had a responsibility to do more...I'm color blind...and I have no family...so I haven't found myself in situations where I've been asked to make decisions that eliminate anyone from my life...But...I had to ask myself if that was a blessing or a curse...

I was accused of not having a stance on anything...that I had no value system...and I feel that I do...should I be doing more?  Somehow...I felt guilty...somewhere deep inside...that I had...by not having to deal with racism...in my own life...had somehow sidestepped important issues...had bypassed taking a stand...and this has weighed heavy on my heart...

I began to think about all of the people who had made racist jokes around me...or side comments...or bold...negative statements...and I knew that I hadn't stepped up to the plate...and made a solid stand...I had silently given a disapproving look...or just walked away...And I had to ask...was that really enough?

I feel that I have failed...in some way...to wear my color blindness as a badge of honor...I'm seeing that now...as I argue and debate...over the topics that will be talked about in my future classes...I see that I owe my students...unwavering courage in talking about tough topics...allowing them to ask tough questions of me...and that my family will be one of many colors...and I should defend my family...Just being color blind is not enough...It can't be my excuse...I am too old and too experienced to be naive...

So...I begin now...there is nothing more beautiful than a smiling face...yesterday...I made an African American man blush a lovely crimson...today...I held a Hispanic woman's hand...next week I will teach round...smiling faces that don't have to use the same SPF as I...I can tell you...that many of my most wonderful friends...have amazing cocoa skin...that I would give anything to have...and not one of my friends...no matter what their pigmentation...is less amazing than the other...I am only too grateful that I have not been judged by my hair...or my weight...or my smile...or my learning disability...by them...

Bigotry is a problem...it's a disease...a disease of the mind...You would think that we would be tired of it...worn out to the core...all this running in fear...running in packs...running over this issue...Life is not about this sort of race...It can't be won...by anyone...and quite frankly...it's getting a little old having some one turn to me and say....

I'll racist you to the finish line...

Make Way for the OG....

Everything is a choice...I know that...There is a fine line between excitement and fear...I know that too...I also know that there is nothing that makes you feel old more than a young person asking you old people questions...except a lot of people...in your age bracket...calling themselves old...and including you...I don't like it...

Fact...I'm 44 years old...and I lost my husband to a twenty something...who isn't even with him anymore...Fact...I'm in that age bracket...where my choices are young men...who tell me I'm a cougar...whatever that is...or...men who are twenty years older...who want to feel young...with a younger woman...Either way...I feel used...I don't like it...

Yesterday...I was asked if one of my new cohorts was my daughter...It was funny...and...it was heartbreaking...I could be her mother...I'd be a cool mom...but I'm not a mom...I'm a single woman...who struggles...periodically...to not feel displaced...I don't like it...

This morning...at breakfast...I sat with some ladies...who are within a decade of my age...and suggested that we come up with a club name for our...well...team...How about  Old People group?...How about Old this?...Old that?...By the time we were finished...I did feel old...and tired...tired of being considered in that category...I don't like it...

I don't feel old...I don't look old...well...I guess I do sometimes?...I have no idea...I actually can't decide if I am lying to myself...or if all people feel like this...at this age...I suppose I could bust butt...and work on myself more...so that I look younger...But then...isn't that saying that I am old?  Isn't that me...giving in?...I don't like it...

Here's the deal...I don't mind getting older...I like that...I enjoy aging...I've earned these years...but I am highly resistant to the idea of considering myself old...because I'm not...not in my mind...not in my body...not in my energy...not in my ideas...not in my dreams...Doesn't that count for something?...I believe it does...It really is in your mind...youth or agedness...I choose youth forever...you belly laugh more...you let your hair down...you can feel the wind...and enjoy it...So...I've chosen my acronym...I worked in prisons...I've earned this...I'm down with being respected...without being an Old Gal...

Make way for the OG...Original Gangsta'...

Slight Chance of Showers...

So...I'm here...in Cleveland, Mississippi...and I arrived last night...It was pouring...I don't mean drizzle...I don't mean intermittent...I mean coming down like cats and dogs...I'm talking about driving through potential wakes...I'm talking about rain that exemplified my past week...

As I steered my car through the town...after dark...I wondered if Noah had experienced life quite the same way...Did he race around...trying to pack up...paying last minute bills...and attempting to sell his log treadmill...at the last minute?...Probably...Did he start by packing the ark neatly...with forethought and planning...and then shove the last two Zebras on top of the rest of the animals...in a last minute ditch effort...to not leave them behind?  Probably...Did he pack random food improperly...and then leave it in the hot sun...after the rain?  I pretty sure he did...

I'm quite positive that after the heavy rains stopped...both Noah and I made the wise choice...to sleep in a local hotel...and set out the next morning...Now...I'm wondering if Noah got lost in the one square mile from the...hotel/hut?   Would he have had to stop at...five...count them...five different places...until he found the large university campus...where he was to register...?  Hmmm...tough one...

Now...when Noah...hit dry land...did he discover that his name was listed incorrectly...everywhere?...This is where Noah and I...are clearly on different arks...He never had to take someone else's name...and then give it back...and then change all documentation...every minute of every day...And...so it was...for me...not Noah...today...My married last name was on all documentation...and in a 15 minute span...I had to tell 15 people that my name was Sjoberg...but not Sjoberg...and that I had divorced...so my name was different now...Sjoberg...that's S-J-O-B-E-R-G...Sjoberg...that's S-J-O...

I could feel it...in the back of my eyes...

Only the day before...while moving through the pouring rain...I had received a message from someone...a man...telling me that I was lacking...that I was lost...that I needed a man to guide me...that I was too headstrong...and that if I kept it up...no man would ever want me...and I would remain lost...and adrift...

Today...I repeated over and over...I'm divorced...my last name isn't Sjoberg anymore...All the twenty something faces...looked at me in confusion and bewilderment...They only had dreams of marrying Mr. Right or Ms. Right...and when they married...there would be the two of them on the ark...forever...

As I walked to the next building...to have my ID completed...I felt it again...in the back of my eyes...

I felt lost...adrift...and that I was lacking...I felt old...out of place...alone...surrounded by a multitude of faces...eager for life...untouched by the pain of being left...discarded...disposed of...and labeled...I was that lone llama...whose mate couldn't be found...who sat in a makeshift cage...bedded down alone...who would eventually wander alone...in a strange new territory...once landed...and watch others walk away two by two....

And then it came....after months of preparation...selling everything...dragging myself through the days...and pushing myself to do...just one thing more...to drive one mile more...even in the rain...the surge hit...in the bright sun...a tidal wave...of tears...and I sat in the middle of the campus...and cried...I believe since the day he walked out...it was in the forecast...Everyone said it would happen....They were calling...

For a slight chance of showers....

Nothing That a Good Coat of Paint Won't Fix...

I remember listening in awe, as my grandfather philosophized to me, while refurbishing a window pane with whitewash...you know, Michelle, there's nothing that a good coat of paint won't fix...I saw him as this brilliant Einstein...with vision and creativity...and he was...Mind you...he was saying this to me while painting a window with a new tampon he had stolen from my mother's bathroom...This works perfect for getting in the crevices...He was brilliant...but outside the box...way outside...

I remember thinking to myself...he was telling me that the key was to cover up the old...and I took it to heart.  I taught myself to apply my make up just so...making the most of my features and covering the blemishes...I discovered that wearing bright colors...when I was sick...helped me look well...That when I felt low...brilliant oranges...help people see me as cheery...and that a sunny "hi" and funny anecdote...will distract others from the tears welling up in my eyes...All very useful tools...but not really satisfying...because I often resented that others couldn't see me...the real me...

Recently...a friend of mine was helping me pack...and she opened my Amish cookbook...reading aloud their description of how a kitchen should be...blah...blah...blah...and at least once a year the kitchen should be whitewashed to keep it bright and cheerful...to increase productivity...I thought about all the renovations I had completed...over the years...the pieces of furniture I had refinished...the walls I had painted...the interior designs that I had emulated...and that I had recently sold it all...almost all that I own...What would I do now?...There was nothing to fix...

That's when it occurred to me that I had misunderstood my grandfather...all these years...I thought he was talking about covering up the bad...I had it wrong...He was talking about enhancing the good...The whitewashed window...was still a window...No one passed by and said...hey...look at the door...Instead...when they walked by they said...what a beautiful window...not...what an old window...or nothing at all.

Then I thought about what I was doing...writing this blog...putting myself out there for dating...over and over and over....and over...I've been volunteering for things...I got rid of my TVs...I sold my collections of collections...and I dove off the career cliff...to enlist myself to help kids...to teach.  Instead of burying myself under mind numbing media...purchasing piles of things and denying myself the risk taking that I love so...I cleared the clutter...wiped everything away...a took the leap into the crystal clear water below...

I still wear orange...I still apply make up...my smile is my trademark and it's a gift to make others laugh...I still cry sometimes...It's life...you're not living...if you're not falling down...But...it's amazing how different everything looks...when the windows of your soul are cleaned...when there new colors to your horizon...when...you stop blocking everyone's view of you with brick walls...and distractions.

Not everyone is pleased with me...I can't make everything happen exactly how I would like it to happen...Sometimes...I leave things disheveled...Sometimes I'm late...Sometimes I don't have the right thing to say...I don't have enough money...I'm single with two cats...and five new silver hairs have arrived in my hairline...But...by God...I'm happy...I'm doing what I want...I'm making real choices...and I'm using my voice...I'm not sugar coating...I'm not whitewashing the truth...Grandpa...you were right...tampon or not....

There's nothing that a good coat of paint won't fix...

What's Love Got to Do with It....

It's been quite a few days since I've written....and it's not that I've decided to forego writing...I haven't...I have truly been overwhelmed with responsibilities...responding to my future goals and trying to just...plain old...keep up with each day's surprises...I've tried to focus my mind on my thoughts...on writing...and the only writing I've been able to accomplish is writing "books" on nine million moving boxes...and that's okay...that's where my mind should be right now...and it doesn't mean that my not writing...has a deeper meaning...sometimes what we feel or focus on...really is fairly surface...or transparent...As Freud said...sometimes a cigar is just a cigar...

As I'm down to packing my last boxes...and two of three teacher tests are out of the way...As I have run out of physical things to purge...and I see my future finally taking concrete shape...I am realizing that whether I am stupid exhausted...or I have reached my zen of simple clarity...a paradigm shift...in my thinking...has occurred...I am seeing things simply for what they are...and not searching for a deeper meaning...

Now...before you begin to worry that my natural leaning toward philosophizing has left the building...it hasn't...It's just that...instead of hours turning into days...of deeper meaning thinking...I'm just agreeing with my first reaction...I always have them...and they are always correct...I just have always tried to create more out of a situation...and most often...it just is what it is...

Take love for example...it comes in so many forms...and sometimes...it's not the I want to be with you forever kind...in fact...most often it isn't that way...It's the...I want to be with you...this moment...I want to enjoy it...and you...and then I'd like to go about my life...but I definitely want to experience this moment again...but probably not back to back moments...I don't want to take part in a string of these moments...indefinitely...

I know you are thinking...that you know what I just described...but if you take that thought I presented...and don't try to add an underlying message...it fits for any situation...For instance...I went to Walmart yesterday...to buy cat food...they have to eat...I enjoyed looking at the odd people...who had obviously...all received the same memo to attend a weekly meeting in the aisles...I had some brief fun...looking at the new laptop that I would like to buy...and I exchanged pleasantries...with the gal at the checkout...but...I don't want to spend every moment...for the rest of my life...in that store...This isn't a metaphor...it's the truth...

Now...having pointed out this fact...I clearly see...that I have put way too much emphasis on love...or should I say...being in love...If I have warm butterflies in my tummy...If I have a hot...spicy...moment with someone...the chances are good...that we aren't falling in love...If someone thinks I'm funny...and wants to hang out...it doesn't mean that they have developed a deep...sisterly love...I'm beginning to see that love is the abstract...the lingering scent...It is the desire to link moments...and experiences together...so that there are fewer gaps between...It happens without effort...It just happens...

I'm seeing that in everything...right now...and it's a relief...I don't have to think so much...I wasn't hurt...when only a handful of people showed up for my going away party...Everyone who cared...cared...but they had other things going on...I haven't had any fantasies...of the streets lined with people waving and crying...as I commence on my final drive through town...and when my wonderful male friend came up to see me this week...I didn't lose my heart...because I was sure that he had fallen in love with me...and I have not lost myself...because someone told me he loved me...and then promptly disappeared...

Every moment was worth it...it is worth it...I didn't waste myself...I didn't make a mistake by marrying my ex...All the wonderful moments of my life...have been just that...Some of those moments have just lasted longer than others...Some of the moments...were intense and deep...and some were just pleasurable seasonings to my day...My participation was with pure intention...and...although I loved the moment...I rarely was...in love...with staying in that moment...So...maybe...there is such a thing as pure pleasure...for the sake of pleasure...reveling in an experience...taking grains of truth...and moving on to the next experience...Ah yes...I see the wisdom in Tina Turner's words...at last...

What's love got to do with it....

It's a Wonderful Life...

I was eight years old...when I first watched the movie...even at that young age...I connected with George Bailey...wanting so much...huge dreams...and life taking you in another direction.  I knew immediately...I was George...I dreamed of doing great things...of rushing past the bonds that I felt held me back...and just like George...life took me on a crooked path...

Every year...I have watched the movie...and cried...George never was able to leave...he was stuck...he never was able to realize his dream...This past Christmas...I couldn't watch it all the way through...it was just too painful...I had no Clarence to show me what life would be like without me...I was less than George Bailey...I felt alone...

Then today... temperatures rapidly climbing...hot sun beating down...just a slight cool breeze blowing...I thought about George once again...and I smiled...You remember the end...where he comes back...bursting through his living room door...and the house is filled with the town...everyone giving what they can...loving George with every gesture?  I know that moment...

Tonight...two girlfriends...in their 60's...picked me up...fed me fish tacos and margaritas...got me to swear and laugh so loud that people were staring...the air was cool and breezy...my house is almost packed...and I'm broke as can be...my cats ran around in the yard...and my next door neighbor had taken my trash out to the curb...I had laughed at work with a colleague and friend...I had received emails from people who were sad to see me go...and my friend in Otis had a ticket for me to attend...yet another function...

It was fantastic...I was drunk...on margaritas...friendship...freedom...daring...dreams...love...and life...I'm broke and I don't care...I'm in my forties and single...and I don't care...I live alone with two cats...and I don't give a damn...I love it...I love myself...my imperfect...sing songy way of doing things...my matter of factness...my braces coming off tomorrow...my everything up in the air...my diving off a cliff...my brazen...daredevil...I double dog dare you ability to take life by the horns and wrestle it to the ground...

What the hell...through caution to the wind...stand naked on the porch...let the neighbors talk...and grin the entire time... dammit...

It's a wonderful life...

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet...

I am behind...I'm not a behind...I'm running behind...I could give you lists of things that I should be accomplishing every moment...but who cares...I mean really...I care because all of this applies to me...but it's a bit pointless to bore you with the details of packing my plastic tubs and taking teacher exams...It's my reality...but I don't have to force it on you...I'd like you to keep reading...

But...it did occur to me...that nothing would be much different in my life if I went any faster...I could stay up all night...study every moment...have an acid stomach...wait a minute...I have that...I could worry about everything...make myself sick...I could tear my hair out...figuratively...and call everyone up and complain...but there would still be 24 hours in a day...I would still have to leave on June 3rd...geez...and I would still have too many expenses versus money in my account...It's really quite simple...It is what it is...and that's okay...

This is that moment when one decides..if they are going to enjoy the rollercoaster ride...or complain that it's dangerous and that they are going to die...I mean...you paid the carny...you sat in the seat...and buckled up...while grinning like a jack o' lantern at your friend on the ground...How can you really complain?...Really...And...didn't you really want to ride the ride?...Didn't you ask your whole life...for the opportunity to reach the highest heights...and plunge into space...with complete abandon...Here it is...

If I choose to run as fast as I can...I might miss something...I might trip...No one is going to be impressed...and I won't see...anything...anyone...I won't enjoy the moments...and they will be gone...and I won't get them back...There won't be a do-over...Sometimes you have the luxury of retracing your steps...But...truthfully...I may never pass this way again...

Yesterday...as I was pulled over...for speeding...I started to feel my mind spin out of control...and then...I stopped...On one side of my car...was a polite policewoman...fresh faced and kind...and at my passenger side...stood her significant other...a Lieutenant...who knew me from the jail...and the work I do...To the untrained eye...it looked like a drug bust...But as I was asked about my future plans...and told the disappointment everyone would feel by my leaving...I realized I was busted...busted for not appreciating that I was leaving a footprint...in a community...that has become my home...that I will miss...that I consider returning to...This was a moment to remember...Ticket or no ticket...I mattered...and so do they...those that I could easily run by...

So...I guess what I'm saying is...if it matters...you shouldn't have to race...Bludgeoning everyone around you with your big moment...it means nothing if you have to kick them in the jimmy to accomplish your goals...I have to think...if those moments become your last...how much of you would be looking forward...and how much would be looking back...at the faces...the ones you missed...while you were racing by...

Faster than a speeding bullet...

This is a Test...This is Only a Test...

Tomorrow morning...I will sit in a room with other twenty something year olds...and I will attempt to pass a Praxis exam so that I can teach kids...I'm pretty sure that I will hate this exam as much as I hated them as a child...I can already feel the anxiety rising to my eyebrows...and I am positive that there is a goat in the room...I must really want to teach because I am putting myself in situations that I swore off years ago...In some ways tomorrow is a metaphor for my entire past year...

It seems that I keep finding myself presented with unusual situations...challenges...if you will...that measure my ability to move forward in life...and even as I find my successes...I find that I am periodically looking over my shoulder...I can't decide if I'm expecting to see someone racing up behind me...or if I expect to see me racing wildly behind...well...me...But...I have to be truthful...I am starting to...not be afraid...not feel panic...and to stand still...I'm not sure when it happened...I'm not sure when the devastation stopped...It's as if one morning I woke up with my number two pencil...in my hand...and it was actually sharpened...and I wasn't stabbing myself...

Oh...I've had moments...moments when I felt a tiny shiver run down my spine...and then it's gone...no longer do I struggle for days with issues...like the drawn out sound of nails dragging across a chalkboard...I don't even feel the need to haul my old skeletons out of the closet...of course...that could be because I've sold them all...and dragged the random bones to the curb...I just don't feel like I am holding anything in...or down...or back...I actually feel good about myself...I think...for the first time in my life...I'm starting to sleep at night...I feel as if I am ready for everything...and in those times that I'm not...well...I'm just not...it happens...sometimes you are caught off guard...and that's okay...I mean...it really is okay...I still care...it just doesn't rip my heart out...

There are still people who don't like me...there are still people who do...Isn't that the way it is for everyone?...The fact is that for the first time in my life...I don't feel like everything and everyone...is revolving around my choices...What an unbelievably miserable feeling it has been...forever...that I would do some tiny thing and ruin the world...

Don't get me wrong...I still believe in the butterfly effect...I believe we have a responsibility to respect life and others...that we have certain duties to be the very best we can be...not to sound like an Army commercial...but there is that responsibility to ourselves...But...in those moments...when we feel small...feel frail...it's alright...that is the best that we can be...at that moment...and someone else's best will comfort us...and tell us that everything will be alright...

I told a woman today...that she needed to turn herself over to the police...and I watched her cry...not in a pleading way...but in an I'm so tired way...and there was a beauty in that moment...as if she was crying truthful tears for the first time...She asked me why this was happening...Why couldn't she get out of this situation...and I could see in her tear filled eyes that she was giving in...to the moment...and I held her hand...and said firmly and evenly...

This is a test...this is only a test...

Same Candy Bar...Different Wrapper...

There you are...standing in a 7Eleven...mild hunger rumbles in your belly...but really you are just craving...it's not a need...it's a desire.  Oh...it's going to be different one this time...not the usual...That sweet goodness is going to make you giddy...is going to calm the desire fire...you are going to get what you deserve...

So many to choose from...but you are smart...you remember the last time...the wrapper was shiny...and it sure looked delicious...rippling in that package...and when you put your face close...you could pick up it's scent...and you knew it was going to be the one...this one is going to take the place of all the rest...is what you said...But when you took it home...spent some time with it...tried to savor the moments...it turned out to be less than you had hoped...not as delicious as expected...And all the nuts that came with it...that was too much...

Ok...you are taking your time...this time...you always rushed before....but you've learned...You inspect each one...put your hands on them...being careful not to show too much interest...and not hold it in your hand...Holding it too long would cause it to take on the shape of your grasp...Then you might have to buy it...Let's just keep it light...nonchalant...And you are definitely by-passing the nuts...They aren't good for you...They break your teeth...make you hurt inside...and you just don't need the misery...

This one looks good...the packaging is tight...you can see the shape of this one...it looks yummy...Oh wait...what about that one?...It looks crisp...much more interesting than the mushy ones...You need one with substance...and it needs to be sweet...but not too sweet...Hmmmm...this is more challenging than you expected...

What about this one?...Or maybe...that one...wait a minute...You haven't seen that one before...It starts to get tiring...reading the labels...investing time to make the just right choice...Maybe it's the color that makes one better than another...Maybe its the really big...super-sized ones...or the ones that cost more money...Maybe money means quality...Or is it the simplicity...maybe simple is better...Oh God...it should have taken less time than this...You wish it would jump out at you...

Now the desire...is actually turning into pure hunger...and it hurts...It almost feels like what you end up choosing ...won't be enough...Choose...You can feel the sweat trickle down the side of your face...Choose...Everyone is looking at you...Choose...The pressure is building up...Choose...Who keeps saying that?...Choose...Alright...Alright...Choose...I'll take this one...Choose...

And...as you open it...you know already...that you are going to be terribly disappointed...It's as if you already know what this will taste like...It's almost as if you have been here before...but that's impossible...this one said New & Improved...Wait a minute...What was that?...Oh no...it's nuts too...even more than the last one...It looked like it would be different...or maybe you had just hoped...After all...it was taking you so long to find the right one...that you were starting to stand out in the crowd...alone...or at least it felt like it...and didn't someone just walk by and say it's just a piece of candy...You should be happy with what you've got...You say to yourself...Why did you rush?...You had wanted to find something different this time...you let the pressure get to you...Instead of something different...

It's the same candy bar...different wrapper...

Pound for Pound....

This is something that I never talk about...oddly enough...I don't think this is necessarily a male topic...but then...the world has changed and there are pressures on men...that used to not be there...I've had a love/hate relationship with my weight...since I was ten...I don't talk about it because...as women...we beat ourselves up...and then beat up other women whom we perceive to be in a better situation than we are...it doesn't matter that we don't know anything about their feelings or situation...we take no prisoners...

I started developing at the age of eight...by the time I was ten...I had curves in all the wrong places...I wore women's clothing and full A cup...My weight fluctuated weekly...and my mother had taken to calling me a fat pig at the dinner table...she also sent me to school with diet bars...It was horrible...I was obsessed with food...and couldn't bear to look in the mirror...

By the time I reached high school...I had to make my own clothes...because I never knew what size I would be...We were poor...so the dietary contents of the household were carbohydrates...with a side of lard...with a cup of sugar...and at the same time...I had two younger sisters who could eat a whole pizza...and lose two pounds...seriously...and a my loving mother made sure to point out that I should be like them...in every way...I tried...but failed...

Now...because I am hour-glassed shaped...I carry it well....What that means...is that if I dress right...you can't really tell how overweight I am...I always weigh 15-20 pounds more than people realize...One would think that is a blessing...it's not...If I can't fit into my clothes...and have safety pins under my blouse holding everything in place...I am snapped at by other women when I mention that I need to do something about my weight...I am verbally shredded if I attempt commiserate with a female on monthly weight gain...or the value of upping my exercise quotient...so silently...I hold my head in my hands...as I continue to struggle...just like everyone else...

I have been told by men that I have a belly...that I could stand to lose some weight...that maybe I should consider plastic surgery...and definitely pass up dessert...My ex husband wouldn't touch me for the last three years of our marriage...the man before him told me that the best part of me was my abs...when I was starving myself...and then when I started eating again...told me that I looked like a marshmallow...and my greatest terror is that with each new relationship...I will have to take off my clothes...and they will see...whatever it is that they see...when they look at me...

At the same time...I am not allowed to speak of this with any female friends...with females in general...because as women...we only see what we don't have...what someone else has...and how secretly we hate them for it...I mean...that's really why my mother hated me...I was her rival...I've hated other women for breathing in and out...for being beautiful...for drawing the admiring eyes of my partners...the truth is that I struggle to see my own value...hate myself for my flaws...and project that hate on other women...If I focused on my own value...I wouldn't have time to weigh my worth myself against anyone else...

It's unrealistic to say that we should always be happy with who we are...we are constantly changing...and change comes from seeing things that we want to experience in a different way...but truthfully...in that...we...as women...should be willing to accept that pain comes in different packages...that we don't own pain...we don't have a lock on disappointment or sorrow...and that the world doesn't stop because of us...that there can be great comfort in having your hand held by another woman...no matter her size...if you both can look through the other's eyes...Maybe if we responded to each other with more compassion...and empathy...instead of bitter judgement...we might find that we would lose a few pounds...just from putting down that chip on our shoulder...maybe that small...challenging step...could lighten our load...and pull others closer to us rather than driving them away...I'm trying to do that...just taking it step by step...

And...pound for pound...

It Ain't Nothin' But a Thang...

I find it interesting that I periodically receive responses to my blog...that...well...have an edge to them....as if...just maybe...I pressed someone's hot button...It's also interesting...to me...that this blog is about me...so...I can...well...talk about how I feel...The even more interesting observation I've made...is that it has been presented to me...that maybe I've had plenty of relationships...I don't need anymore...But...that doesn't make sense...Isn't everything about relationships?...

Let's say you come from a big family...Catholic...16 kids...don't laugh...this is a real family...with a really tired woman popping them out...So...for one person that's 15 relationships...right out of the gate...Does that mean they only get...maybe five more?...What about your school years?...What the hell do you do with that?...Don't talk to me...or pass me a note...I've only got five more relationships in my life...and I don't want to waste it on you...loser...

Not to say that we have to be like Zsa Zsa Gabor...and roll through partnerships...But then...who cares?...She found love...and then it went away...then she found it again...We are humans...we long for companionship...we weren't meant to be alone...Look what happened to the Unibomber...He spent a lot of time alone and built a bomb...I spend a lot of  time alone...and I caught myself pretending to scratch on the scratching post...with my cat...and I fell in a trash can...

And what about the difference between quantity...and quality?...So...my first husband put my head into a wall...and dragged me through the house...um...does that count as a relationship?  What about the one date wonders I went out with...one date and they were gone?...Are we counting those as relationships?....If I talk with a telemarketer too long...is that a relationship?...He wants my money too...wait a minute...that might be a relationship...hmmmmm...

I guess I'm just surprised...we all reach out...we want to be with the one we are with...or someone else...or someone else's someone else...We purchase pets...talk with our neighbors...go to clubs and hope someone dances with us...Most of us are on Facebook...and we get pissed when someone unfriends us...hell...that's a breakup...

I'm not making less of relationships...I'm just saying that...it's okay to want them...There is no magic number...and in order to have them...you have to be out there meeting people...trying them on...dates or friends...and they are kind of like pants...they may fit for awhile...and you may grow out of them...or they break down...or they disappear...That doesn't mean you have to walk around half naked...

We were meant to be complete...and then share ourselves with others...and if you are blessed to find that special someone...who you spend the rest of your life with...then you are blessed...because that doesn't happen for every person...indefinitely...So why worry?...Why get bent out of shape about my quest for the one thing that has been so illusive...and that I wasn't raised to have...it's not your problem....hell...

It ain't nothin' but a thang....

Not Even God Can Sink this Ship....

Isn't is funny...how just verbalizing something can cause a butterfly effect in the universe?  Take the Titanic...for instance...perfect in every way...a ship to end all ships...even Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On...could not embody the beauty of this steam liner...and all it took was one braggart to sink it...Most say it was the iceberg that brought about it's demise...Others might say it was the foolhardy choices of a few individuals...I say it was one sentence...

I know this sounds superstitious...but I don't think so...my experience has taught me that clearing your mind...focus of thought...and verbalizing a thought or desire can cause it to happen...Just look at how many people bought The Secret...I mean basically the book is a bunch of words that equal one sentence...you can bring something to you by asking for it...

This...of course...opens a can of worms...it can be good or bad....energy is energy...and we have the ability to attract both...But here's what scares me...sometimes I feel that my energy inspires...or better yet incites...in others...desires that make their world fall apart...the world that they know...whether it is good or bad...

Not that long ago...I asked someone...who clearly did not like me...what their thoughts about me were...they replied...after an eye roll...that "there is no doubt that your enthusiasm is infectious..."  My ex told me that most people often think outside the box...and that I live outside the box...and then he left...

So...what am I supposed to do?  Stop reaching for more...Stop saying out loud what I want?...Stop desiring and dreaming?...Oddly enough...the only one that seems to get hurt is me...I don't hurt other people with my dreams...my goals...my faith...but I sure do find myself alone...I mean I have good friends...people who care about me...even to the point of looking out for me...and I am blessed...

But late at night...when the lights are out...and the moon is shining it's light through my bedroom window...I lay alone...and I have for a long time...maybe I have my entire life...I have to watch reruns of Medium to get my fill of a happy marriage...or look at pictures on other people's Facebook...or have Sunday lunch with my happy couple friends...and I don't begrudge them that happiness...but I want it too...and I am terribly afraid that I am too much for anyone to survive...

I could be cursed like the Titanic...but I just can't help that I want to fight against that...sure I'm afraid that there is truth to my lament...but I don't take anything sitting down...I never give up...and it is physically and emotionally impossible for me to stop believing...Maybe I'm just looking for justice...Maybe I'm just looking for the Holy Grail...Maybe I'm just a stubborn ass...I guess I don't care...I didn't take TaeBo aerobics for three years to get beat up in a back alley...by the fates...So...I'm putting up my dukes...I'm moving my feet...keeping my body moving...C'mon Universe...put 'em up...

Not even God can sink this ship...

Nanny Nanny Boo Boo...

I find that I have this odd relationship with the universe...I like to believe that I call the shots...and the universe constantly puts the brakes on my shot calling...Sometimes...I have no idea why my movement comes to a screeching halt...and then there are days like today...when I know why I have been placed in cement galoshes...

I am the Queen of Speed...not the amphetamine...but that urge to move things along...make things happen...I'll push and push...until I've moved myself great distances...until I've moved my project to the top...until I have pushed outcomes beyond expectations...and until I collapse in a heap...on the hardwood...I'm actually writing from the floor right now...

I had everything set for tomorrow...all tasks lined up...my mind racing through each step...jumping from one item on my To Do list...to another...all the while my eyes are closed to slits...burning incessantly...Yesterday...I was so tired that I slipped while pushing the rolling trash can to the curb...the can fell sideways...and I fell in it...on the street...in broad daylight...and I couldn't get out...not a shining moment...I stumbled into the house...blood running from my knee to my ankle...whispering curses...and I was forced to slow down...I was limping...I couldn't go faster...the universe was pointing and laughing...

Tonight...I pulled together everything I needed for my Praxis exam...(teacher test)...I ran through my practice tests...and went to print my ticket for my exam entrance...tomorrow at 8am...It wasn't there...Son of a...I heard a universal chortle...But truth be known...I'm not ready for the test...too many projects...too many worries...too many things piled on my plate...I knew it as soon as I saw what was missing...Hell...I'm still limping from my trash can tango...

I know I have to complete everything...I know that I'll do it...I also know that the universe will protect me from myself...This isn't about my doing the wrong thing...this is about me doing the right thing...but not pacing myself...and I suppose it takes a skinned and bruised knee...or a missing ticket to slow me down...make me stop and think about what I'm doing or need to do...I don't like it...I actually don't like being told what to do...but I need it...I don't have anyone in my life to be that voice...and I am a driven woman...a bit of a steamroller...in the nicest way...but heavy equipment none the less...and the universe knows this...

So...I'm at a grinding halt...I have to go back to the drawing board...retrace my steps...and fix these issues...revamp...and probably rest...the universe knows this too...My guess is that the universe wants me to know what and why I'm receiving these good things...It wants me to finish each and every project...to close the book on everything I have started...and then and only then...will I be allowed to move on...But...I have a few tricks up my sleeve...I don't claim to be smarter than the universe...but with a bit of sleep...and maybe yoga in the morning...my cat-like reflexes will be back...and we'll see if the universe can keep up with me...maybe it will be the universe head first in the trash can tomorrow...just sayin'...

Nanny nanny boo boo...stick your head....

Have My Cake...and Eat Yours Too...

I want to believe that I am not a selfish person...I work daily to help others...If my neighbor needs something...I'll help...I don't stop and stare...while others struggle with the lawnmower...Hello...to the old guy walking with his downtrodden elderly wife...who stopped at the fence and stared at my boobs...Lord knows...your staring at my tits helped a lot...especially the third time you stopped to ogle...I hope your poor wife smothers you with a pillow tonight....

As I was saying...I care about others...but...I've noticed that the farther I move away from this past year...and the more that I sell off my belongings...yes...the house becomes more empty each day...the more that I think about what I want...what I need...

I speak up more...won't take a tongue lashing sitting down...pro-actively email a list of issues to attendees of a meeting that I know is a reprimand...so...instead it becomes a "I need your help to fix these problems"....I don't apologize as much...I'm tired of it...been doing it all my life...I'm sorry you hit me...I'm sorry you hate me...I'm sorry you don't know who you are...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...Here's one more...I'm sorry that I'm not sorry anymore...

I probably have a bit more edge to my persona...Sometimes I'm just quiet...because...I want to be...I really don't need to entertain everyone...like I have most of my life...you'd think I was a clown at the circus...No...I'm not bitter...I didn't get dumped...and I'm feeling sorry for myself...I just feel as though...I deserve to feel whatever I'm feeling...it's pretty simple...

I'm promoting myself...speaking up when I want to do something...I'm finally doing what I encourage my clients to do...every day...In fact...it's one of the reasons I switched to posting every other day...If there's nothing to say...there's nothing to say...I mean...nobody really cares if I cleaned my tub today...or mowed the lawn and blew dandelion seeds to my neighbor's house...obviously the old man cared about my breasts...but I'm not going to write about them...what would I say?...Boobs...the end...

I guess...I'm suggesting that you try it...do what you want for a day...then when the shock settles...do it again...When someone says "who would like..."...raise your hand...effe it...who cares if your good at it or not?...who cares what other people think?...who cares if there are dandelions?...what did they used to do...go over the next hovel or castle and complain that the dandelions were encroaching on their plot of land?...I bet 50 bucks they'll be growing on your grave...good luck getting up and spraying them...call me...let me know how that works for you...

This isn't what you are thinking...it's not anger...it's just...why worry about it?...My neighbor bought an ugly couch...who cares?...They love it...great...I just sold mine...cool...I have braces...yay...These are little things...but my dreams...which are now my goals...are huge...bigger than this town...bigger than this state...and I can listen to the same J Lo song over and over until my ears bleed...I mean let's be honest...

I want to have my cake...and eat yours too...

Just the Facts Ma'am...

I am posting less frequently right now...not because I am particularly at a loss for words...but my focus is on practical responsibilities...the nuts and bolts of truly changing my life...In four weeks...I'll be on my way to the Mississippi Delta to attend a teacher institute...and speeding toward becoming an English teacher...

Right now...I am studying for exams...applying for positions...selling all of my belongings...and cleaning up cat puke...I think Stan is sick of all of this...My braces come off in three and half weeks...I'm trying to squeeze in workouts...and failing miserably at that...I'm writing like crazy...because I keep involving myself in projects that I have always dreamed of...including my first publication...and I'm trying to finish all the work that needs to be accomplished before I leave my current job...I'm also trying to finish my laundry...

I'm stretched to thin...but I've put on a couple of pounds...I'm tired...but I can't sleep...I'm in love...but I don't have time to see him...I'm pretty positive that I am completely crazy...and that satisfies me to my core...I keep cleaning out boxes...tubs...and drawers...and I still keep running into my former life...When did pictures become like rabbits and propagate every 15 minutes?!...

Next project will be packing what is left of me....creating a website for my teaching experience...and passing the Praxis I & II...somewhere in there I'll change my sheets and the litter in the cat box...This is crazy cool...and  there was a time when I would never have had the courage or stamina to do this...not any more...and the man in my life is proud of what I'm doing...amazing...how did that happen?!  Surely...I had nothing to do with this...

And...now I'm exhausted again...I need a pedicure...but my cats aren't very good at painting toenails...maybe we should just fall into a heap on the bed...listen to the thunder roll...and dream of the future...humidity...large mosquitoes...teeth without braces...teaching young minds and southern mice...but for now...

Just the facts ma'am....

Sincerely...Mickie...

Dear Hurting Head....

I am writing this note to excuse Mickie from worrying so much.  It appears during the past few weeks, she has developed a severe habit of worrying about things that she has no control over.   She has been struggling to sleep...has frequent migraines...checks her messages incessantly...and feels that something is inexplicably missing in her life.

I absolutely understand...that she has many gaps...or emotional holes...and often feels that she is completely alone...that she is weird...that she is destined to never have anyone love her and commit themselves to her...for any extended period of time....

Although I have shared with her...on several occasions...that a watched pot never boils...she insists on staring at the stove...wiping it down and testing the water...My concern...is that she is wasting time worrying over something that isn't worth it...That she is losing sleep over something that will come...or not come...whether she is awake or not...and that while she is investing all of this energy on fruitless situations...she is letting fresh...tasty fruit rot on the ground...

I'm sure you can appreciate my overwhelming concern...for her well-being...and...although you enjoy hurting...maybe...you could move along and mess with someone else's head...for a bit...Yes...she is 44 years old and divorced...Yes...she truly...deep down...believes in love and hopes to find it for herself...Yes...she has big dreams...huge dreams...and is semi talented...and yes...she is about to embark on a huge adventure...and is probably a tiny bit overwhelmed...and carries a itsy bitsy dot of fear...in her heart...although she would never admit it...

I say...let's give her a break...a time out...or time off from kicking herself...or feeling low...or feeling weird...even though she is weird...in all the right ways...everyone knows it...I'm hoping that this letter will encourage you to move it along and bother someone else...for just awhile...someone who deserves to have a headache...please don't make me list a few...that could use some inconvenience...

Please feel free to contact me with any concerns...or questions about why she might need a break...Hopefully...you will agree with this assessment and allow her to have a peaceful rest of her week and possibly a weekend.  You may forward any future migraines to her ex husband...and one of the jerks she works with...no names need mentioning....

Thank you for your consideration...in this matter...and it is greatly hoped that no force will have to be used to conduct this reprieve...As always...I am available to speak with you further on this matter...and hope you won't feel uncomfortable if I attend any meetings with you...wearing brass knuckles...I'm sure you catch my meaning...

Quite sincerely...Mickie

Peace will Come to the Little Valley...

I took a couple of nights off...from hearing my own voice...I had to...I was irritating me...I believe that my cat was so irritated...that he threw up all over the house...or...he may have eaten too many moths...I've been going on and on...about me...but I'm really in the "in between"...I'm in between where I was...and where I'm headed...and I'm trying desperately to control all of it...What's wrong with this picture???

I've been hanging on to all the fears...built up through my entire life...but I'm not afraid...or...I should say...there is little that I fear anymore...Hanging on to the security of being motivated by fear...is what I've been doing...It's annoying...to me and those I love...It's time to stop it...or I will throw up all over my house...

I spent time this weekend with two different couples...who have become close friends...I talked with the feminine half...and I finally listened to the masculine half...What the hell have I been doing all this time?...I think I've been running my mouth...So I shut up...and listened...

Yes...Dave...the proof...facts...evidence...is that I am so far beyond my mother's cruel words...that they don't even pertain to me anymore...and I don't know what other people are thinking...I have great instincts...but I don't know...

Jim...I do need to give the man I love a break...give him a rest...let him do what he needs to do...not what I need him to do...because I don't need it...I know how to take care of myself...I'm already doing what I need...What the hell am I driving him for?...You'd think he was a herd of cattle...and I was a Border Collie...one of the pretty tan and white ones...just saying...

My brain feels like my rented house...half empty...chaotic...scattered...half painted...My guess...is that if I spent half my energy on organizing my real responsibilities...working out...spending time with my friends...packing...my poor William would feel peace...and be drawn to me like a moth to a flame...instead of feeling like I doused him in lighter fluid...and lit a match...There I go thinking I know how he feels...again...

I just need to turn my attention to what is important now...the things that will make a difference for my future...I need to find my center...the center of my being...a place that I want to be...that others will want to be...that place where I can just be...Because I already know who I am...I need plenty of space...I have so much that I want to do...I've broken through that glass ceiling...and I am zooming into places that I only dared to dream about...If I can zip my lip long enough to take in everything around me...If I can stop dancing like a maniac...in place...maybe...just maybe...my frantic movements...will become something else...

And...peace will come to the little valley...

One Last Sweep...

I am preparing for my fourth...and final garage sale...The house is about empty...it's cold and bare...I only have left the things that I will be taking with me...on my great journey...into the unknown.  This is the second time...in my life that I have been stripped bare...and had no clear picture of what the future would hold...The first time...I walked out of my mother's house....nothing in my hands...her raised voice trailing behind me...and I slept in my car for months....I won't be sleeping in my car this time...but I don't know where I'll be sleeping...

I have thrown out all the pictures...all the trophies...the things that belonged to others...that I have clutched...and held onto...for fear that losing it...losing them...fearing I would find me...all alone...I'm not quite alone now...but I have been spending a lot of time by myself...I don't know if I am completely comfortable with me...just me...and sometimes I feel as though I am stepping into a tempest...one that I have asked for...I believe I've been asking all of my life for this freedom...this peace...

It's odd though...peace doesn't always feel peaceful...at first...It can feel desolate...uncomfortable...when all you are accustomed to is chaos...Everything feels fleeting...not unbalanced...but all the trappings that I have insulated myself with...are slipping through my fingers...like sand...

There is a part of me...that wants to stir things up...and start collecting again...because when I do that...I don't have to think...and right now...that's all I do...I think and write...and think some more...and then I write again....I am more organized...not OCD...I'm sort of losing that side of me...Each time I cleanse myself of belongings...I worry less about my tidiness...there's just so much open space...that everything is already tidy...It's almost as if I have never really been clean like this before...

So...as I look around...I see that I only have things left in my life that I need...that have a true purpose...Even my cats can feel that everything is changing...I am changing...I wonder what all three of us...the cats and I... will be at the end of this journey...or will the journey even end...Maybe...this has been my life's dilemma...I love the journey...I love the unending experience of growth...in myself...and seeing it in others...I get so excited about other's wonderful experiences...their landmark achievements...and I've never given myself room to experience those things... indefinitely...on my own...

Maybe...before I go to sleep...I'll make one more turn through the house...and see if there is anything else that needs to go...anything else that is holding me down...holding me back...maybe I'll open all the windows and let the breeze blow through the room...Maybe I'll put all my blankets on the bed...throw on my sweats...because the cats don't really care...pile up the pillows...settle in...and prepare to dream...but not before...

One last sweep...

I Know You Are...But What Am I?....

I have been facilitating the Getting Ahead curriculum for almost three years now...and as my participants reach the midway point...they start to see where they have been...and they get angry...They see...often for the first time...all the things that have been holding them back...all the things that have caused fear to well up within them...and the individuals who have blocked their path...Anger isn't always a bad thing...Sometimes it can be immensely cleansing...and so it is for those I work with...and so it has been for me...

It hurts when you face the truth...the truth of your situation...the truth of those whom you held close...and the truth of yourself...because it is often you...who betrays yourself...and others who support that betrayal...I mean...what if you moved forward...what would that say about them...So...they passively stand by...while you destroy your own future...Ahhh...relief...now none of us have to change...

Often...as I stand beside...not in front...not behind...my participants...I become their sounding board....I'm angry...I know you are...I've wasted time...I know you feel that way...I want so much more...I know you do...I have to leave these other things in order to get what I want...I know...I know...

It's at this moments...epiphanies really...that I feel that I am going to be affected again...and again...that change will touch me...and what will I do next?  How will I embrace change?  Will I be angry?  Will change look the way I hoped?  Or...will I be on my knees...crying to the heavens...begging for mercy?  Odds are all of these questions will be answered...in ways I never imagined...and the end of each shift...life will find me standing...square...on my feet and on a road I had never acknowledged before...

I often wonder...when I emotionally hold the hand of a struggling...changing participant...who is helping whom?...Is their change helping me change?...Was it going to happen for me anyway?...Or did your realization and action move me forward?  Which one of us are the butterfly wings...and who is floating in the rippling waves of movement?  Maybe we have thrown ourselves...together...into the the abstract air...and we are hurdling toward the concrete future in tandem...Does that participant know that I am free falling with them?....

I want so much...is that too much to ask?...I know you do...it's all okay...I never thought I had the right to want...I know that's true...I am going to have to walk away from all of these things...I know you're correct...Why does it have to be this way?...I know this is difficult...I hate you for showing me this...I know that  it hurts...I'm scared about what I will become.....(silence)....

I know you are....but what am I?....