It is amazing to me how my new found freedom has unfettered me...in ways I had not imagined...I no longer feel as though I were wearing a huge target on my chest...I do what I want when I please...or I do nothing at all...and that pleases me too...No apologies...no racing to put something in order...to avoid the disappointed gaze or the heckling for my choices....
No more "setting you on fire to see what you will do"...that used to be a large part of my life....and...although sleep still doesn't come easily...I can lay in bed and watch a movie...as long as I like...I can read and watch a movie at the same time...I can eat in bed...or beside it...around it...and sleep in the crumbs....or stare...depending on the night...
I'm not completely "there" yet...but each day I'm feeling tougher...in a good way...things are starting to roll off my back and I just keep chipping away to gain more freedom....It's easier for me to say no...to screen calls...to jump in my car for a trip...or stay in my PJ's all day and nap on the couch with the cats...all three of us stretched out and piled on top of each other...purring....
With all that new found bravery...there are risks...It's risky to sling around your courage...it can find itself challenged. You can find yourself surprised at who might come a callin'....Every action is asking the universe for a reaction...a response...and the responses are never exactly what we expect...So...I remind myself that a little freedom can be a good thing...and a bad thing....After all...you know what they said about the Titanic..."Not even God can sink this ship..." and Leonardo and Kate know what happened....
I better be careful...the next time I hear knocking...it could be the devil at my door...
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