It's been a year since I took my wedding ring off my hand...For months there was a white...untanned ring around that finger...Summer came and went and the color of my hand evened...but this odd dent remained around that finger...Over this past year...I have used lotions...scrubs...and massaged the flesh to allow it to bounce back...reshape itself...I wanted that indention to disappear....
For the rest of myself...I went to see a counselor...it was okay...but there wasn't anything unusual that I was talking about....So...I dove into work....it was good but didn't fill in the empty space that had been left behind....I had garage sales...to clean out the things that were weighing me down...but I was still smothered.
I moved to different location...it's okay...but I dragged everything about my life with me. I dated...and dated...and dated...then stopped. I lost weight on my body....but still had weight on my mind....I applied to Teach for America...was accepted...and those wheels are in motion....and that's good....but I still stop...at least once a week...and realize that I have nothing to keep me from going...and then I feel the same weightlessness that I felt when I was skydiving...it's still slightly uncomfortable underneath the excitement.....
I try to move slowly through each decision I make....I started this blog...which has become a passion and an outlet for my thoughts and words...and it has been oddly healing...I am exploring aspects of my personality and responses that I feel need work...and I'm working on them each day...and I can feel the difference each day...Everything about me is not changing...but evolving....and I feel good...
But...I still struggle to fall asleep at night...and when I do sleep...I dream vividly about all my life's hurts...all the things I've never dealt with before...all the people that I have allowed to hurt me and then begged for their forgiveness...Those deep gouges in my psyche are slowly healing...It's all part of the process...
As I drove to work today...I looked down at my hand...hoping that my finger would look single....and even as the sun shone down on my skin...I could still see the groove where the band had sat for six years....No matter what you do...in the end...it is time that heals all wounds....
You have to face facts...some things just leave a lasting impression...
Oh yeah! Love it. R and I didn't do rings. Or I suppose, if I am honest, I didn't do rings and so we didn't do rings. But I added the name, moved 5000 miles, became a farm wife, had the kids, got a career that supported the farm, lost a kid and finally lost the farm and the farmer and somehow, it appears, sort of lost the rest of the kids. At least they aren't around much and though I do not expect adult kids to spend their time visiting their mother (thankfully), it is certainly less, much less time than on the farm. Of course that was their home too and they lost it..but still I have a home for them to come to, right? I suspect it won't feel like a home for them until it does for me and that may be some time away.
ReplyDeleteSo in the end I think you are so right...it takes time to heal all wounds no matter what you do or distract yourself with..be it work, decorating a house, buying "stuff", dating, exercise, reading, Netflix, everything. The hard thing is making the days count along the way and not counting the days.
P
It was kind of bugging me yesterday...I wanted the indent to be gone and it is taking its' own sweet time...I can only imagine what your transition has been like...But, you have a warm wonderful home...and I love you dearly...and I feel that there will be a day for you...and for me...that all will feel balanced and right again...as it should be...and I love what you said about making the days count...in the end...that is all that really matters...
DeleteYou're right..our day will come and only we can make it through the transition. I suspect not having family here makes a difference too for us both and losing our adopted family. Thank Goodness for friends...and blogs!...love you too
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