Without Exception...

I grew up not understanding unconditional love...I had never heard of it...literally...and I certainly hadn't experienced it.  Everything had conditions....usually painful and dangerous.  The worst of it was that they weren't even set conditions...they changed daily...As a result...life was a gauntlet I ran...always.

As an adult...I was quite sure that I didn't know what love felt like...I worried that my worries...and my fears were all that I carried with me.  My relationships...offered moments of peace...but rarely satisfaction...and I continued to enter partnerships that resembled the gauntlet of my childhood...

Several experiences over the past decade have given me the validation that I needed...in regards to my ability to love...but then my believer button was broken...several times...in several places...Now it is all taped up with plaid duct tape ...and sometimes I can feel it wobble...when touched....

I don't know if this is way it's supposed to be...I don't know if everyone wonders about their ability to love or believe...I do know that probably most people don't believe that I struggle with this...that I often look around and wonder if I am alone in my fear...that what is broken now...will never be whole again...or maybe never was....

It is easy for me to talk the talk...and walk the walk...but deep within me lies only blind faith these days...I don't even know if it is faith...It might just be persistence and sheer determination...Whatever it is...I only hope that I can give others what they need from me...because if I tried to explain the convoluted mish mash in my soul...everyone would walk away scratching their heads...hell...I spend most of my time subconsciously scratching my own head...

Here's what I do know....I do love unconditionally...I don't pass out my love like Halloween treats...but when someone does come knocking...I give them a fair shot...quite a few shots...and even if the trick ends up being on me...I still...often...love them...I just protect myself from rotten eggs....

I also know that I still believe...I'm just not connected to it right now...everything is still tender around my believer button...as a friend used to say...my feelers have been hurt...and I'm a bit over protective of me...I need to be...until the plaid duct tape comes off safely...and it will...I feel sure that who I will be...on the other side of this...will be a stronger...more loving person than I ever imagined I could be...and I want to believe that there will be many someones in my life who love me back...because life is too short to not have love...

Without exception...

 

Hurry Up and Slow Down...

The world is moving faster every day for me....and yet...I am still anxious to move pieces of my life off of my plate...Each day is a mixture of I can't wait for it to start....and I can't wait for it to stop...Sometimes I don't know if I am coming or going...As I feel the negative parts of myself break off and fly away....I find that I am anxious to fly away too...fly away to a new...different place...

I was thinking the other day...what it must be like for a snake shedding its' skin...The process is slow...and painstaking...and once free of the shell that once encased it...the snake is vulnerable and sensitive to the elements...It strikes...not knowing what is safe and what is dangerous...in a sense it is blind to everything...and...at the same time...feels everything...this is me...

So...I move forward...vulnerable...and new....the winds whip around me...as the world rushes by...trying to pull me with it...But...I move at my own pace...I refuse to be dragged or forced...for the first time in my life...I wait for the calm to come...for all pieces to fall into place...Surely....it will be soon...I am worn...all of this change is making me so tired that I can't sleep....

I know I've asked for all of this...I have been preparing my entire life for what the universe is giving me...and I am pleased...deeply pleased...and grateful...that I believed..even when I wasn't sure there was anything left to believe in...I'm not asking anything to stop... but my brain needs a rest...so... I have to say please...please....

Hurry up and slow down....

Oh...Now You Tell Me...

For almost a year, I have been dating...it seems like everyone...but that's only because I don't like dating...at all....You name it..I've had my experiences...a lot of them were not enjoyable...and certainly not uplifting...In fact...my dating experience was going so poorly that I was beginning to think I was a leper...and just hadn't acknowledged it yet...

Then I met Relationship Man...we're in one...a relationship...that is...albeit new...it's a relationship....I admitted it and agreed to it this week...It's exciting....and terrifying...all at the same time...literally...I might even be having a fake panic attack at this very moment...Nevertheless...I'm loving this and him...

But...of course...my phone begins ringing...off the hook...Mickie...I'd really like to go out again...Mickie...I'd really like to hook up...Mickie...Remember me?....Mickie...I know I didn't want a relationship...but I miss you........What the...?  I mean...really...what the...?  What is different now that we haven't spoken for weeks...months...a year?  Did some mystery email go out that updated my status...made me unattainable...and...therefore...fascinating?  Really?  What the....?  At this rate....I should be receiving a call from Mr. 25 years tonight....

I've come to believe that when it rains it pours...and that it is feast or famine...All of this is incredibly frustrating...and confusing...I truly can't figure out if I am being tested or tormented...And worst of all...I was happy to tell the first late comer that my situation had changed...but by the third...today...yes...today...I was feeling a bit anxious...was I putting all my eggs in one basket?  What if Relationship Man backs out?...Then I would be devastated...So...why am I confused?...Why am I freaked?...And I am freaked...

I am in love with Relationship Man...I'm afraid to admit it...I'm afraid to invest in it...I'm terrified to be knocked down to the floor and left to watch Miley Cyrus movies again...and cry...I can jump out of a plane...but I can't stand the thought of having my heart ripped out again...RM...we'll call him that to placate my laziness in typing....RM  hasn't done anything to cause me to feel this way...It's just me...me and my fears...actually...active terror...

So..I have tell myself...this is part of it...love that is...love after losing love...the heart is resilient but not inhuman...We learn from our mistakes...good and bad...and it is perfectly normal to be scared...only if I am not ruled by fear...I'm not ruled..but fear is carrying scepter and wearing a crown...I didn't think it would be like this...I thought it would be easy for me...that I would bounce back...I think it's more like I am coming back...slowly but surely...I'm just wondering when someone was going to tell me this...Wait there's another text coming through...Can we go out?  I really like you...What the....?

Oh...now you tell me...

Moving on...

Here I am at post 102...and I can feel that I am at a crossroads...All the things that have been eating me up inside...I've been releasing them...like hot air balloons...It's been good...healing...and revealing...Each burst of anger...has led to post...which...in turn...has led to peace....I don't believe I've ever experienced that before...

Even after my meltdown this weekend...I explained...to this new man in my life...why I reacted the way I did...and I told him my fears...which wasn't as terrifying...once they were dragged from under the bed and revealed in the light of day...

So...here I am...I've trimmed the excess off my life...stopped online dating...or battering myself...I am preparing for a journey to a foreign land...and I have someone very important in my life...permanently...it appears...and next week will be the anniversary of the very beginning of all of this....

My life looks much different to me right now...than it did back then...and yet...I recognize it....I recognize what has always been underneath...struggling for air...smothered...mostly by me...I mean I can't blame anyone else for not using the tools that I help others with...can I?  Not really...I've known for a very long time that the power resided within me...I knew that...at the age of eight...sitting on my bed...next to my mother...losing her mind...and saying to myself...I will not be this...I will not be this...Somewhere along the way...I left pieces of my power with others...and along the winding road I was travelling...

I know that this sounds as if I have run out of things to say...I haven't...But I feel the need to acknowledge...that  there is a shift happening in my life....and a crossroad deserves the same attention as a crisis...So...I give it the focus due...and I also look to the horizon...only one third of this 365 day journey has passed...and there is still much to say....about new things...new thoughts....and this new love...yes...love...

And...so...moving on...

Colorful Language...

I try to not focus on my pet peeves…but I have to say that today one seems to be getting the best of me…Try as I might…I find myself irritated with…once again…finding myself in a situation where someone is telling me that the color blue…is really brown…

You know what I’m speaking of…you are in a situation where you have assessed everything…viewed all angles objectively and reached a solid conclusion on how to address the issue of the color blue….you are fully aware of all aspects…Then you speak with the other person involved with the color…you express your responsibilities and the parameters of your actions….with the color blue…and they get defensive…and tell you that you are leaping to the end of the rainbow rather than starting at the beginning with them…

You proceed to ask them their starting point…they reply that they haven’t decided on that yet but you need to follow their lead…And they’re leading you where?...To the color brown…You remain calm and remind them that it truly is the color blue…the color of the sky…the color of a robin’s egg…They respond that they prefer to see it as brown….clear as mud…and you should too…

They speak in a condescending tone…clearly pointing out what a simpleton you are by their vocal inflections…You continue to maintain your evenness…but inside you’d like to stick a paint brush where their brown don’t shine…

These are the moments that make your eye twitch…but there is no escaping it…No matter how you color your own world…others don’t have to agree and most won’t…They either don’t like your color…it’s too difficult a color to contend with…or they feel more in control if they can re-color everything their way…because it really is all about them…In the end…it’s up to you to decide if you will let it go…and let them color all over everything…or grab their art supplies and break all of their crayons…

As for me…I choose to continue coloring the way things are…to me the blue sky is blue…and mud is brown…So…anyone can come along and tell me that I don’t know what I’m looking at…but I don’t have to listen…I know the difference between what is and what isn’t…and I know my responsibilities…Long after I leave they can call it whatever they want…They can call it pink…

I’ll tell you though…if they keep it up…I might get creative…

And use some colorful language…

Can You Handle This?....

After this weekend's humbling and embarrassing display of "I haven't got myself together yet"....I had to ask the new man in my life...can you handle this?  I wasn't particularly expecting a burgeoning relationship just yet...I did ask the universe for an opportunity to try again...to find someone who loved me deeply...the way I've always wanted to be loved...a love that I could reciprocate without an emotional smack down...I just didn't expect it to happen before the one year anniversary of my divorce...

And...so...I asked him...can you handle this?  He said he could...he also asked me to calm down...to stay still for a moment...that everything was okay...I've never had anyone do that for me...The situation didn't escalate...because he knows himself...he is confident in and with his commitment level....and I clearly am not...

I went to my friend's house and cried...not immediately...First...I numbly talked about other things...we had lunch...proceeded to work on projects together...and then she wisely asked me...was my reaction indicative of the deep feelings I had for him...in other words...did I react so strongly because I felt so deeply for him...then I cried...cried because I really did fear that I would lose him...that he wouldn't be able to handle my fears or emotional challenges...as I relearned how to live and love...I cried because I was terrified to love someone again...what if he hurt me...and what if I couldn't handle my fear or emotional challenges...

Still...he is here...he didn't cut and run...in fact...he just sent me a text to ask if I am alright...if I feel a little safer...I just cried again...It seems...to me...that he can handle all of this...that he can handle my ups and downs...and that those ups and downs matter to him...probably more than they have mattered to me...I guess I have to ask myself why that is...

My friend suggested that maybe I always kept myself busy...so busy that I didn't have to deal with anything...In a sense...she was saying the same thing that this man is saying to me...stand still...calm down...I don't know how to do that...I never have...but I better learn...at least start practicing it...But first...and foremost...I have to ask myself a question....

Can you handle this?....

Cheater..Cheater...Pumpkin Eater....

I have an admission of guilt...I blew up yesterday...I mean blew it all sky high...a miscommunication...a missed call...missing each other....and I went left.  I take full responsibility for it and I'm not proud of myself...He was upset...then quiet...then consoled me...He wasn't wrong...I was...I decided that the confusion meant he was lying and cheating...that he was using me...as I have experienced over and over...so much that my emotional psyche is wrecked...not dented...as I would like to believe...but wrecked...and so I turned yesterday into a train wreck...

I'm not going to make excuses for my actions...I'm a adult...I need to work through it but fast...so that I don't lose something amazing in my life...but I'm going to tell something...I'm going to tell you what cheating on someone who cares about you does...For those that are reading and have done this...please take it to heart...and for those that have been on the receiving end...I'm sorry...so sorry that you were left to lick your wounds and pick up the pieces of your own broken heart...

When you cross the line of intimacy behind the back of someone who loves you...you are a coward...you don't have the courage to ask for what you want...a divorce...understanding...more sex...kids...no kids...I'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt or a series of excuses...There are no excuses for abusing the trust and a person's ability to believe in others...especially if they love you...

So...it's difficult...You hit a rough patch...You look in the mirror and see your hair falling out...or that you have a spare tire...Guess what...it's not the other person's fault that time marches on...that you are getting older or that you don't take showers...that you don't brush your teeth and they got yellow...It's not the other person's fault that you wish you were 25 again...Nobody respects the old bearded man at the kegger...or the older woman jacking her boobs up and catting around with the young guys who haven't had all their chest hair grow in yet...You look like a fool...and sad...

While that person who loves you is home...cleaning...cooking...waiting for you to come home or call...or love them again...and you are scamming and planning to regain your lost youth...or your confidence...or "freedom"...you are also damning yourself and everyone around you....Your family has to shuffle around embarrassed by your actions...and you abuse their unconditional love...younger people around you nod their heads and say "yes...see marriage doesn't last...people weren't meant to be faithful..."  Your greatest statement is that you are no different than a dog in heat or rabbits in the same vicinity...You are saying "I have no intellect...I am no better than an animal"...and you have crossed a line that you will most likely cross again...

And that person waiting up for you...asking who's long hair is in the dryer...You squash their ability to believe in others...You squash their ability to dream...You squash their ability to trust another person...or to allow anyone to remain in their life...because it's just too dangerous...You wreck them purposely...You hurt their soul...with your soulessness...You squash all that is good about yourself and the other person...and all the chewing and swallowing in the world won't make your damage go away....and all the scraping and shoveling of all that squash won't make the other person heal fast...They are stuck starting that garden over the next year and it may take a couple years before good things grow again...Let's face it...while the other person is trying to regrow what you wrecked...

You are really are just a cheater...cheater...pumpkin eater..

My Way or the Highway....

I believe it would be safe to say that I am suffering from PTSD from unfaithfulness...If my date is late arriving...my mind immediately spins out of control to thoughts of how many women he has stacked like coupons...how he might be playing me...laughing behind my back at what a fool I am...hell...I even get stressed if the mailman shows up late...

It would be fabulous if I could say that the unfaithfulness I experienced with my ex husband was the only I've ever experienced...it's not...it's one of many...Sadly...unfaithfulness seems to be an epidemic.  I'm not pointing a finger strictly at men...it's rampant with both sexes...any type of relationship...you name it...it seems if people aren't doing it...they are thinking about it...

Having said that...not everyone expresses themselves through infidelity...I haven't...I know others who haven't...and I want to believe that I will have someone in my life who doesn't....I say this...as I am in the throes of a new relationship...yes...it has become a relationship...I was notified of this...much to my surprise...someone used the "L" word on me...and said he was falling in it...but I do have that fear that what looks like "L"...from a distance...can look like "S"...once you really fall into it...

So...I am sitting here waiting for him to arrive...he's late...he told me he would be...but I can't help the gnawing at my brain and my heart....that I can't trust him...because I can't trust anyone to be true to me...true to their word...Is there a pill for this?...Is there a treatment for this?...I don't think so...I think some things just take time...and patience...and communication...he's a good man...good to me...straight forward and loving...and I don't want to pin my fears on him...just because of my experiences...

I hope for this to be a new experience for me...a wonderful...long lasting one...where time can prove my fears wrong...I don't want to live in this black and white world that I feel I live in presently...I prefer shades of gray...lots of possibilities...and that someone's word is golden...Two different people coming together and dealing...together...with the twists and turns of a relationship...Not a relationship where the other person is twisting and turning to satisfy me...

I don't want my life defined by...my way or the highway...

To Be in Love...

Life presents us with so many questions...and as a race...the human race...we struggle to categorize and answer each question.  I do it...you do it...we all do it...It doesn't make us wrong...it's just within our nature.  I believe one of the greatest unanswered mysteries is what it means to be in love...

Media tells us it is timeless...there's usually a picture of a diamond ring and a young couple deliriously happy portraying it...but then our divorce rates climb every day.  In fact...if you want to see miserable couples...go out to eat on Valentine's Day...there are usually a lot of relationships that end that entire week...But...then I have friends who have wonderful...loving relationships...I work with people who are excited to go home and be with their significant other...I used to be that way...until I wasn't...

For most of my life...I have feared that I didn't have the ability to love...then I discovered that I did...a huge capacity...and then I proceeded to have my heart broken...again...and again...and again...It wasn't until this past year that I realized that I didn't know how to look for love in others...I took what was tossed at me...or searched for the perfect blend of what was socially acceptable...

The truth is...I don't think I care anymore...not about love...but what everyone else will be okay with...what they will approve of...I don't care...If someone has the ability to love me...all of me...be tender...be strong but gentle...read me...want to read me...eat the food I cook...make fun of me when my behavior warrants...and know when there is pain behind my actions and choose not to tease...because they cherish my heart...If they let me into theirs...let me settle deep in its' recesses...look into my eyes when we talk...pause breathless when I walk into a room...think that I have dressed up...when I haven't....think my crazy...growing out hair is beautiful...even in the morning...

When I can look into his eyes and see the contours of my face and a slight smile on his face...when he holds my hand while driving three blocks...When he is kind to my pets and isn't afraid of my flowered sheets...When he leaves me at my keyboard...saying I'll give you some time to write you blog...take your time...I'll be in the living room...

When he holds my face in his hands and says....you are beautiful just the way you are...what I love is who you are inside...the outside doesn't last forever...what is inside of you will never change...that is what I want...When he can hold me through the night...and right as he folds me in his arms...he says...you fit perfectly...That's what I want...to fit perfectly...even if it looks weird to everyone else...or unacceptable...or against the grain...

For me...this is what it means...to be in love...

I believe I've found him...

Life Bingo...

In the game of life...we all have our choice of how to play it...It occurred to me today...that if I could pick again...instead of Old Maid or Go Fish...I would choose Bingo....It's simple...you don't have to add...just be quick and be able to draw a straight line with your eyes...In effect...it's a linear game...no quick reflexes...wordsmithing...or competition...I mean there are competitors but they can't actively beat you...success is where preparation and opportunity meet...for you...

The more I think about it...the more that I know what my winning combination would be....

B-1 with myself...really love me for who I am...honor my own needs and boundaries and allow myself the  freedom to succeed or flounder...and tell myself that both are okay...

I-4 get the past wrongs and pains...not so that they didn't happen...but so that I can stop clinging to things that don't define me anymore...only move forward...not backwards...

N-44 is just a number...sure it's my age...but what does that mean...my beauty grows from within me and it is ageless....

G-5 years from now where will I be?...all that time to explore...change...dream...and act on those dreams...and after that...I'll just tack on another five...and then another...and then another...it's all about possibilities...

O-30 years from now...most of this won't matter...I will begin to enjoy my autumn...the time when I no longer feel that I am racing against a clock...I'll garden...wear mismatched clothes...laugh even louder...eat whatever I want...take long walks in the sun...have streaks of silver in my long hair...and get discounts on everything...

I don't know about you...but somehow it doesn't get much simpler or finer than this...maybe we should all consider playing this...

This Life Bingo....

Secret...Secret...I Have a Secret...

Not a day goes by that I don't speak with a client and a deep dark secret is revealed...One day...after extracting an important morsel of information that allowed for a client to be helped...a jail staff member dubbed me the Jail Whisperer...It was funny...at the time...in truth...it is sad that I have the ability to help someone's devastated soul unburden itself...in fact...it is often a burden for me...And...yet...without even trying...individual's find that they cannot but share their deepest pain...even more unnerving is that I know why...I am a woman of secrets....

At a very early age...I made it my life's work to create an illusion of what I wanted to be...I didn't know how to become that person...but I knew how to appear to be that person.  It is a scary use of the mind and soul and artistry to paint a face on yourself that causes others to see you the way you wish to be seen...I have often thought that if I had put as much energy into becoming what I desired...I would now be the first woman president...but then I would have been blamed for the BP oil spill....

It wasn't until late in life that I decided to actually become the person I had always dreamed of...and the greatest challenge is losing people who liked the pretend you and not the real you...I've actually found that the real me is incredibly powerful...and although there are people who don't like it..it doesn't matter...because I know who I am...now...When it's a mask you wear...you don't know who you are underneath...even you are deceived by the costumes and lighting...It is no surprise that I found myself skilled in theater...

The great irony is that I found myself...truly found myself...working with individuals who are primarily lost...in one way or another...I see them...really see them...I recognize their pain...and I feel their secrets...I have been them...thief...addict...murderer...dealer...pimp...prostitute...thug...manipulator...antisocial...mentally ill...victim...perpetrator...

As you search for me in the Department of Corrections Inmate Look up...I warn you that you will not find my face...the people that I have been...are my deepest secrets...I am the invisible woman standing in the middle of a crowded room...and that's alright...really it is...while others are roaring...I am listening...My mask is off...I see myself...for who I am...sinner or saint...I sleep well at night...finally...because I know that even with this additional revelation...there is always something deeper that I have not shared...

Secret...Secret...I have a secret....

These Are the Days....Yes...

Remember when I told you the story about my mother and the glass of water?...Every day is a personal quest to prove her wrong...that I make a difference...Most days...I barely feel that I make a dent...but I am satisfied to know that it is a new dent...one that would not have existed if I hadn't pushed...

I meet with men and women day in and day out...I hear their stories...help them search for solutions...stand with them as we wait for answers...empathize with their stresses and pains...and encourage patience while I get pushy with services that are supposed to be easy to access...usually the day ends with my exhaustion and their looking forward to another day of waiting...often denials...but not today...

Today...I got to make that call...the one where you tell someone to take a seat...where you ask if they are ready to hear the news...their breath sucks in and their voice quavers...and I let them tell me they are ready...Then I say...yes...you were accepted...yes...you were approved...yes...you were awarded...and then they weep...The most beautiful release of emotions...As if they have never heard those words before...As if they the real reward was that they didn't give up...that they stayed in there and believed...for the first time...

It is almost miraculous to share that moment when someone is rewarded for not giving up on themselves...I have personally had those moments...I have stood in awe of an achievement....that took so long...that I never thought would come...but I held on...

Today...I got to make that call three times...three times I heard someone weep in relief...in joy...in pride for their own stamina...and I thought to myself...I make a difference...every day I make a difference...just by walking in the door...just by returning my calls and finishing my paperwork...every day is a small victory for me...I am everything that no one believed I would be...I haven't just survived...yes...I've overcome...and yes... I've transcended...yes...I leave my footprint...anonymous as it may be...yes...my very existence has purpose...

These are the days...yes...

Ashes...Ashes...I Will Fall Down...

Everyday I work with clients and encourage them to trust the process or believe that they deserve good things...I talk them through issues and persuade them to have faith in themselves....And...because they have faith in me...they accept my guidance...It's a beautiful thing to see someone desire something and then hang in until it materializes...It's extremely satisfying for me...to experience this with and for someone else...Unfortunately...my greatest weakness is not trusting others in my life...

I struggle every day trusting those around me to not cause me harm....I find that it is always in the back of my mind that I will discover I am being lied to or cheated...and...yet...I tend to choose people to insert into my life who will do just that...So...when someone trustworthy comes along...I accuse them of what I am afraid of...it's a horrible...vicious circle...Admittedly...I have had many important people in my life who have cheated me...stolen from me...and lied to me...and it is only I...who allows this to happen in my adult years...

I will stick it out with someone...give a million chances to someone who actively betrays me...like I did my mother....and when someone comes along with an unusual situation...I immediately assume that they are lying...cheating...and set them on fire...Why is that?  Why do I burn the trustworthy for the sins of those who are not?

I wonder if this is another epiphany for me...buried under the huge bonfire that keeps me from letting anyone new into my life and blocks the path of someone wonderful trying to get close to me...It's as if I keep those I can't trust close...even though they burn me...because I know that they will never stay...they will extinguish...They are predictable...But someone who might prove to be true...well...I can't take the chance they might stay...prove their worth...that would mean that I deserve someone in my life...I mean there's not a burning chance in hell that I deserve that...

In a negative way...I've got a good thing going...I can consistently set myself on fire by standing too close to the flames of someone who doesn't care if I'm scorched...Then I can spend months recovering from the burn...and punishing others for my own stubborn stupidity...If I can keep this up...I'll manage to have 3rd degree burns all over my body and I'll be alone...Then my mother will really win...all those things she promised me as a child...I'll help me...make them a reality...

Ashes...ashes...I will fall down...

What If...

What if I had not grown up the way I did...would I be the same?
What if I had not been a fighter...would I have survived?
What if I had been handed everything...would anything have meaning?
What if I was a man...would I see my life the same?
What if I had never married...would I still be naive?
What if I had never risked...would I have so much?
What if I had never dreamed...would I have a life so full?
What if I had never changed...would I be complacent?
What if I had been broken...would I ever be whole again?
What if I had never believed...would anything materialize?
What if I had followed the crowd...would I be unique in any way?
What if I had been consumed with hate...would I have ever loved?
What if I had never loved...would I have never felt pain?
What if I had never loved...would I have ever dreamed vividly...in brilliant colors?
What if I had never loved...would my heart still beat in tireless rhythm?

What if I had never loved...would I grow up...would I believe...would there be meaning...would I live...would I hold on to innocence...would I be whole...would I be unique...would I have seen you...What if...

What if...you are my what if....

The Truth...The Whole Truth and Nothing...But...

I learned in my childhood that truth was relative...and that had less to do with whether you were telling the truth and more to do with another believing it...Let's face it...if I tell the truth...and you don't believe me....no matter what I do you will think me a liar...

And...what about my perspective on what truth is...I mean...is it truth if there is omission?  And...what type of omission is acceptable?  Is truth supposed to hurt...or should we soften it to not bruise the ego of another?  Can one person represent several truths...and if you don't know all of those truths...are they lying to you?

Truth is a tricky creature...it's very much like viewing a picture in different light settings...In each setting...the picture tells a truth...while other truths sit in the shadows...only to surface when the illumination has changed...Similarly...when aspects of relationships are illuminated...it can feel as if new truths have surfaced...They were always there...just in the shadows...

But...it doesn't have to be that way...everyone has the option of speaking straight...of sharing what is in the shadows...It is amazingly freeing for you and the other person.  If I tell you my truths...you only have to be responsible for your response to those truths...You have all the information needed to make an educated decision...I have shown you respect...in order to receive it in return...

Of course...that is an ideal exchange of mutual respect...and...as we all know...many are not capable of that....sad...but true.  In fact...individuals often lean on the "but" in revelations...they present information and follow it with a but...just like walking...or the caboose on a train...I find that I can handle anything if I receive the truth and not their but....

And that's the truth...the whole truth and nothing...but...

Selling Past Lives.....

Tomorrow is the day...the big day...I'm selling everything...selling it all...all of my stuff...crap...junk...belongings...I've been looking forward to this day for weeks...and I've been hoping to get rid of everything but a few items....I want to start over...clean out my closets...So...that's what I've been doing...in preparation for the sale of the century...

Cabinet doors have been opened...items ripped out...boxed up...areas of the house are empty...barren...stripped of pictures...clothes...rugs...furniture...and I feel like crying....Not the gut wrenching kind...the soft...silent crying that comes with closure...Only this is closure for lives I have lived that span 43 years....I am eliminating everything...so that I have room for a new life...I don't even know what that life will be...This is good...I know...and with each pounding from my headache...and the nausea that I am feeling...I am realizing that I have needed to do this for a very long time...

I know that there have always been stories attached to my belongings...I believe that while some individuals collect people...I collect things and store my connection to others within inanimate objects...So...in a sense...selling all of this is like small deaths...In all...this is harder than I thought...and it hurts...it hurts so much that I feel it physically...I should be excited and instead...I just want to go to sleep for a week...

I think we believe that when someone leaves our life or we move on from an era...that we leave behind the negative...I don't think that is completely truthful...or realistic...Tonight I understand how...when a person passes...they can leave their imprint in an object...my house is filled with imprints of individuals who are gone...I feel it in everything that is being packed up to sell...in my funeral parlor abode...

I can do this...I am doing this...this is hard...this hurts...but if I want a real...authentic life...I have no choice but to follow this path...

Purchasing the future of my choosing...means selling past lives....

If All My Friends Jumped Off the Brooklyn Bridge...

For those of you who know me...and those of you who don't...my favorite question is "why?"...That's really the theme of this blog...why this?...why that?  And...anyone who has been asked that question knows that there are good times and bad to be asked why....I ask it all the time...sometimes I almost have to put my hand over my mouth to keep the question in...Needless to say...I have learned the positives and negatives of the question...

My mother would periodically snap out of her mental illness...in my youth...and have moments of parental lucidity...Keep in mind that when a person doesn't practice something or have the opportunity to try new things...they will most likely revert to what they know...what they feel comfortable with or what everyone else is doing...No one likes to stand out...As it was with my mother...when she had mental clarity...and I was busy asking "why"...she would answer everything with "...if all your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge..."  Sometimes the phrasing fit...and...well..sometimes it didn't...but nevertheless...

Although she appeared to not always grasp the true meaning of the philosophy...I did...but in a child's logic...Being extremely decisive and stubborn...I took the phrase to mean that I shouldn't do anything like anyone else...So...in the wake of transient living...which made me stand out...being extremely poor but ending up in wealthy school districts...which made me stand out...only having LPs from the 40's, 50's and 60's and no radio...which made my musical tastes stand out...reading only classical literature and knowing all the answers in English class...which made me stand out....and looking like a grown woman by the time I was 14...I decided that I needed to do something to make myself stand out...and so I did....everything different...and vowed to never do what everyone else does....

As I grew older...I thought I wanted to be like everyone else...I believed I yearned for it...but when it came down to the brass tacks of situations...I just couldn't blend in...The early years were about making a statement...the middle years were about trying to balance...and my years now are about doing what I need to do...as long as I take other's needs into consideration...but I'm still going to march to the beat of my own drum...Over the years...I have been ridiculed...condemned...punished and...quite frankly...had the crap beat out of me for being willing and wanting to stand out...

In the end...I've never regretted stepping forward to make myself known with purpose....It has enabled me to do things that I should never have been able to accomplish...and it keeps me taking chances on amazing things...It also ensures that I could die at any moment and not regret my life...Sure...I've cried tears...I've been lonely...I've been broke...and I've felt broken...but it is the best kind of high to stand in the spotlight...to have your voice rise above...to be the driving force behind something good...And all of my closest friends are risk takers of one sort or another...they have big voices and they constantly step forward...and I'm proud to say that they chose me as an important person in their lives...They definitely aren't sheep...If they are doing it...it's worth taking a long look...Come to think of it....I guess there might be one thing I would do like everyone else...My friends are wicked smart...so I might join in ....

If all my friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge....

And...It's Your Business Because...?

I am a lucky woman...I never imagined that I could have so many people in my life that care about me...Maybe it's because I live in a rural area...but I really believe it is because I have changed and let people into my life...Either way...I am lucky...no...blessed with individuals who want only good things for me and will go out of their way to help that to happen...

And then...there are always a couple of people who are just curious...you know....you are a side show and they don't want to "get involved"...but they will follow you down the street to ask leading questions...They stop you in Wal-Mart to present openings for you to dump your personal treasures...and they watch your eyes to see if they dart about....

If you really need something...they position themselves with kettle corn and a soda to get the best seat for the train wreck...and if you look toward them in need...they immediately stare at the ceiling...the floor...out the window...or suddenly hear their phone ring...It's not that they are afraid to be around you...they just want to be voyeurs in your misery...discomfort or pain...They are hungry for it...as if the popcorn weren't enough....

People who care about you are available in the wings...standing off to the side...giving you space...if you need it ...and open arms...if you need it...The curiosity seekers are hoping you need help...but only want to watch the show...not have audience participation...too bad they don't have "wet seats" for those individuals...

Unless...of course...one stumbles across the freak show attendees that like to touch your exhibit...you know...they stir the pot...put their sticky hands in your broken cookie jar and finger everything and then don't want the responsibility of actually taking any ownership of involvement...

The key is to identify those that really care and those that don't...and separate them in your mind and heart...I'm not saying this is easy...it isn't...especially when it temporarily feels like your life is crumbling....The good news is that the people who don't care won't stick around for the good times....Your bad times help them to feel better about their own lives...that's why they are there...They don't want you to be happy...because then their lives look less than perfect...

So...when your ocean of life is tossing you back and forth and your boat has been rocked...you really can tell...if you look hard...if the National Guard is coming in for a rescue mission....Or...by chance...it appears that it is just a ship of fools...all you have to do is ask them the simple deadly question that they can't answer....

And...it's your business because...?

I'm Falling....

This isn't supposed to happen...I'm not supposed to do this.  I had sworn that I was impervious to this and was convinced that the universe was keeping this from happening...because it was...no matter how I put myself out there....Something always blocked opportunities...and everything turned to dust in my hands...This has been my last year....

I am paring down my life...eliminating waste...throwing out the past and reviewing my life...My garbage can has been filled to the top...my hands dirty and many tears have been shed...Each day I have moved closer to freeing myself from all the things that tie me down...I am packing up my new life and preparing to move toward my future...

I tried the online thing...I tried getting out and meeting people...I tried doing nothing...and then I stopped trying...anything.  I just did my own thing...just moved through the days...just chipped away at my own business...and that is when I met...someone different...someone who I didn't have to try with...someone who is different than anyone I've ever met...someone who I would never have imagined...

After all of the effort...and it finally sat in front of me...I tried to ignore it...I pushed it out of my mind...I pretended...I shut my eyes...and I couldn't make it go away...I carried it around with me...I kept putting it down...trying to leave it and walk away...Each time I turned around...it was right there...

So I let it in...I figured....hey..I'll just try it...I'll just dabble in it...no commitment...no pressure...no biggie...it doesn't really mean anything...nothing will come of it...it won't affect me...it won't affect him...this will pass...and I'll continue on my way...surely this will pass...everything else has passed me by...everyone else has passed me by...passed me up...patted me on the back and waved goodbye...It's been nice knowing you...I'm glad I got to see you one last time...

It's not passing...it's rooting itself...I can't get it out of my mind...I dream about it at night...I think about it all day...and I am peaceful...calm...focused...and still have butterflies...in my stomach and all around....This can't happen...I'm too old...my time has passed...no one could feel this way about me...there is nothing new or fresh about me...or is there?

Oh God...I'm falling...

You Have to Believe We are Magic...

I remember Olivia Newton John on roller skates surrounded by soft fuzzy lighting...as she sang the theme song to Xanadu...which was appropriately titled Xanadu.  I never really understood the movie...1) I was too young and... 2) because...although Ms. Newton-John was sparkling- the plot and script were not....But...the songs by ELO (Electric Light Orchestra) were...well...electric...and the song "Magic" captured me....

"Building your dream has to start now, there's no other road to take...You won't make a mistake, I'll be guiding you..."  It seems my life...and my work have emulated this theme...I really do believe in the magic of starting over...of choosing a path...following it and believing....I am a true believer...and love nothing more than to prove nay-sayers wrong...after all...I've been doing since I was born...it's a bit of an art form for me....

"From where I stand you are home free, the planets align so rare....There's promise in the air, and I'm guiding you..."  I have always searched for someone who could see the future with me...It's lonely at the top of the mountain...looking at the horizon and yelling to the base for your partner because they don't feel the need to share the view...Each relationship has been a hope of shared vision...and I always chose the fearful ones...people who needed reassurance...people who thought I was exciting....but really didn't want to change...they just wanted to watch me do it....

"Through every turn I'll be near you, I'll come anytime you call...I'll catch you when you fall..."  I always hoped for someone who was strong...and searching...Even though we might both be finding our way...we would hold each other up...and walk together...watching out for each other...Instead...I found myself holding them up...dragging them to the finish line...all the while they were growing angrier...because they really didn't want to be a part of this...they just wanted to observe...me...

"Come take my hand, you should know me, I've always been in your mind....You know I will be kind, I'll be guiding you..."  My dream was that the person I spent the rest of my life with...would trust me and be trustworthy...instead I found myself digging the truth out of them...as they clenched their teeth and fists...all the while I knew that the honesty was a hidden element...in the relationship...and it only revealed itself as I was dragging my belongings out the front door...

So...why...you ask...do I still believe in something that has eluded me my entire life?...Because believing isn't about everything happening picture perfect the first time you envision it...Believing is about holding on to a vision...an idea...and not letting go just because everyone says that you are crazy...Crazy people...dreamers...change the world...they invent things...they cure diseases...they create solutions...and they never stop....

After all...I never thought a man would tremble when he kissed me...and then it happened...

You have to believe we are magic...

Treed by a Squirrel....

Growing up the way that I did...in a violent chaotic world...it was vital that I be suspicious of all people...What are their intentions?...Are they trying to manipulate me?...Will I be sorry, if I let my guard down?...I turned suspicion into an art....and became adept at seeing through other's facades...I could feel the slightest change in a person and when I should extricate myself for protection...

Adulthood only increased my skills...Not only was I able to protect myself...but I could cut someone off...remove them from my life and they would never know of any pain that brought me.  The only complication was that I had become more adept at pruning people out than growing relationships...With each experience...the smaller my circle of trust became...until it was so small that only I stood in the center...Instead of a forest of people...I became the only tree in the forest...

Then I married someone with acres of family...with vast foliage and strong as Oaks...I practiced new skills...I stumbled and fell much...but in the end I always found myself in the top branches...treed...by what appeared to be wolves...Each family interaction filled me with a deep fear that I would fail...disappoint...or more importantly be attacked for my differences...because deep down I never felt that I belonged...anywhere or with anyone...Everyone was out to get me...bring me down from my branches...

Just when I had begun to feel that I could lower my guard and began scaling down the trunk of my lone tree...a decade later...the husband left and I had a choice...I could climb back to the top...where I could keep watch and a safe distance from any wild animals that might bring about my demise...or I could take a chance...leap down...and acquaint myself with the living...those that actually live life...I chose...

As I have moved downward...branch to branch...I actually found that my vision became clearer and clearer...What I had thought I could see better from the top...actually became more defined the closer I came to it...I have discovered that I too was living in an Oak...tall...strong...and impervious to attacks...but by being so far away...I was often hungry for human contact...I was thirsty for love...and I was too distant for others to hear my cries...

I want to say that all is healed and erased from my past...and that suspicion never enters my mind...it does...a lifetime of practice doesn't go away in a day...but I can say that I am closer to love than I have ever been in my life...As I work my way down the trunk...I see people waiting for me...people who care...and those waiting to love me...And it's funny...when I was so high up and looked down...the wild animals looked huge...ferocious...and filled me with fear...Now that I am closer to the ground than I ever have been...it seems that the wildlife is so much smaller and harmless...One would think it would be the other way around...I have discovered that those dangerous beasts are not quite what they seemed...

In fact...the terror that sent me climbing was not a pack of wolves...the danger was small and harmless...I had spent my time...treed by a squirrel...

Thank you William...for inspiring this...

When You Know...You Know....

I was raised to live in self-doubt...to not believe in myself or any of my choices.  As a result...I have been the queen of second guessing...my desires...my dreams...my hopes.  I have had wonderful things in the palm of my hand...sitting there...all mine and I have squashed it...tossed it away...sabotaged it.  Then my life became a recurring story of loss....and with each loss...I allowed a piece of me to be taken, as well.

Over the years...I became better about keeping more of myself...not tossing that away...but I still doubted my purpose...my goals...my choices...Finally...I came to the conclusion that if I couldn't see myself with that person...if I couldn't see myself in that job...if I couldn't visualize my future with that...thing...it wasn't going to happen...and I was always right....and still I stayed.

So often...I have known coming out of the gate what would or wouldn't happen...but visible choices never reflected what was in my heart and mind...I pushed it away...which is so odd to me....I'm a woman who plans...plan A...B...C...One would think that I would see this...thing...as a failure...lost cause...a true waste and move away from it...but I never did....and to add further damage...I allowed others counsel to lead me back to things that I knew I should leave.

Now I am single...I am changing all of these...things...and I'm purposely keeping the planning to a minimum...It is only now that I see myself in what I'm headed toward...and I'm truly moving toward it...I am committed...I know that it is time to leave...it is time to become something else...the very best of me...and it is during this time...of all times...that I saw myself in the eyes of another...

I'm not stopping...altering my set course...it was this very course that set me in front of them and they...in front of me...This isn't an act of sheer will...I am not willing this to happen...this is just knowing...deep within myself that something very important has happened...and that the only way I will lose it....is if I toss it away...It will wait for me to do this...thing...that I need to do...

Even still...I know...this peaceful acceptance that my decision to finally believe in my choices...has presented me with some...thing...that I would never have acknowledged...never accepted...until now...I am ready for what I see...what I am visualizing...what I dream about now....

After all...when you know...you know...

If I Give My Heart to You.....

The other day someone gingerly asked me...if I would marry again....Obviously...I had to answer truthfully...I don't know...know one is asking...But...if they did...would you...knock, knock...who's there?  I....don't...know...I think what they really wanted to ask was...are you bitter?  I wish they had asked that...because I would have said definitively...no...I'm not...I'm glad it's over...all of it...The only thing that bothers me is that I know my ex is out there breaking hearts and souls with his charm drizzled carefree...careless ways...and....yes...I do care about him...but I am not in love with him....I just wish he'd get his head on straight....but...this isn't about him...

So...my heart broke several times last year...I didn't think it was possible...each time...I was shocked...But...it appears that hearts can be broken over and over and heal with the miraculous powers of back to back movies...kettle corn and pint of coffee ice cream...or so I've heard...

I did lose weight...shape up...I'm letting my hair grow long...it's well past my shoulders...and I cry at appropriate times now...mostly when I write about painful things...when my heart hurts...but no longer in frustration...in agony...at the bottom of the apple barrel....In fact...I feel bright, shiny and somewhat new for a 44 year old woman....

I'm proud to say that I have men...in their sixties...lined up for a date....and I've gone out on some dates with never been married forty something men...we are now good friends...because they don't want a committed relationship...and...yes...I went out with a couple of much younger men...they swore I wouldn't be sorry...I was....poor guys...they tried so hard...but there is only so much "dude" a woman can handle in one sentence....What is up with Demi Moore?

Then there was my past love....who surfaced again...and I thought...Oh...this was all supposed to happen so that I would connect unfettered with him...No...he was testing the water to see if I was the one who got away....I wasn't...I was the one he sent away....heartbreak for me...didn't miss a beat for him...

So...here I am now contemplating that question I was asked...would I marry again?  Here's what I have to say...I would marry again...if I couldn't help myself...If I didn't have to ask...three years into the relationship...if that marriage proposal that he spoke about so often was ever going to happen....If my hand disappeared into his hand...because I couldn't see where he started and I stopped....

But really...marriage shouldn't matter...we should be able to look each other in the eyes and say I am married to you in my heart and with all my soul...you are my breath...don't take it away...

If I give my heart to you....

My Name is...

My name has always been painful...and I was a young girl when I started toying with other names...nicknames...going by my middle name...anything to not be the child named by a mentally ill mother...who hated her from the moment she was born...I wish I could say that I was exaggerating...that I was imagining her abhorrence of me...but I'm not...she told me...almost every day...that she hated me and wished I had never been born....It used to be painful...now it's just a fact....

But...what do you do when your very name inspires venomous words from the woman who carried you for nine months and whom you love through some innate instinct?....You change your name...Maybe if I have a new name...I'll be a new person...I'll be someone worth loving....As I grew...each day...I hated my name more too...it was stupid...it was unoriginal...it was ordinary...it was worthless...it was meaningless...it sounded shallow and unintelligent...it was....it was all the things she called me....

She named me after St. Michael the Archangel....She named me after my uncle who struggled with depression and was a closeted gay man....who died at age 55 after he allowed diabetes to ravage his body and lost his leg...He hated me too...What child should be burdened with all of that hatred and knowledge?...How can they possibly grow up to love what they represent?....I couldn't...So...I chose Mickie...

Mickie is funny...pert...sassy...wicked smart...creative...a go-getter...attractive...balanced...and loved....Funny thing about changing your name...it doesn't change the person underneath...it's just a cloak...something to hide behind...and what if someone looked behind the disguise...wouldn't the elephant woman still be there?  Or the portrait of Dorian Gray?...peeling and wicked looking...disgusting...and valueless?  I lived in fear that everyone would see how horrible I really was....

But....something has happened....something so strange and unexpected...I want to hear my name...I want someone to speak it with love...I want someone to hold me and whisper the word that has been so painful to me that I tried to make it disappear...the way my mother tried to make me disappear...I don't want to be this Mickie...this creation...I want to be me...I want to come out in the open...to be seen...to be heard...to be cared for...I am beautiful in my own right...I am unusual...I am smart...I am of great value...intelligent...and I am worthy to be loved...I say to that little girl...I'll love you...I'll care for you....I'll hold you...You have a name...

My name...my name is Michelle

This is Stupid....

I lived in chaos as a child....but I was naturally a child of logic.  I could always see creative roads to an end result....but if the path had too many twists and turns...I would immediately shift gears to a more linear way of thinking.  Ultimately...this resulted in heaps of trouble and piles of sorrow....but being stubborn...and forever following my inner compass...I persevered.

In my twenties...as I stopped listening to that inner linear voice...my friend asked why I was going the long way around a problem instead of directly towards it...she was right.  What was doing?...Why would I choose the more difficult and truly risky path of dancing around the real solution?  Probably because we all do it...and if we're not doing it society is pushing us to do it...

So...today should have been easy...but it wasn't...it was filled with red tape and passing the buck...instead of the buck stops here.  An agency managed and motivated by the real Fear Factor...stopped my helping a former client because that might "make us liable"....REALLY...because if that person did something to hurt them-self...after I had been contacted and said "I can't because that might make me liable" ....THAT wouldn't make me liable?  That is stupid...

So...my making someone aware of a serious problem...in a timely manner...garners me a email lashing because everyone feels the need to cover themselves...instead of just dealing with the problem...That is stupid...Having a meeting....to discuss having a meeting...That is stupid

Verbally beating everyone up because something is not working in your own life...therefore...driving away people who really want to help...That is just plain stupid...

Getting on an online dating site...posting that you are looking for the real thing and only want someone who understands commitment...then asking the person who responds what their favorite position is...right out of the gate...That is just stupid...

Calling up the pharmacy discount provider...after they have confused your prescription order...and blocked your ability to order the prescription anywhere else....being put on hold four times...after they hung up on you twice...and then you have to explain five times what they did to your pharmacy order...do I really need to say this?  Yes...I do....That is stupid....

Having five supervisors....that just deserves the word...stupid...Thinking I'm going to give you something...if you keep asking...and I said no the first time....you only get the ST.....

What is it with our society?  With all the things that need our attention...homelessness...abuse...mental illness...hunger...addiction...racism...falling high school graduation rates...my cat losing two teeth mysteriously...what are we doing?!  Why are we wasting everyone's time?  Don't talk about it...do it...in our jobs...relationships...with our kids...with our community...with our government...with our freedom of speech...and loopholes...and large corporations...and letting the rich get richer...cut it out...and get down to the real business....the business of doing....

God...What am I doing?  I'm just winding myself up....This is stupid...

Sometimes You Have to Risk It All...

All my life I have taken risks....not the type that bring oooooohhhs and aaaahhhhs from people...nothing that anyone will ever write about...well...I guess I'm writing about it....Ok...nothing that will bring me fame...but there have been risks...some calculated...some flying leaps...

I have done things that others would be too embarrassed to do...I have willing made a fool of myself for love....I've gone against advice that birthed from jealousy or negative places...I have rebelled against entrapment...status quo...the in crowd...I have tried things that everyone was afraid of...that everyone said wouldn't work....and I often act first and apologize later for things that are for a greater good....

I am a true believer....and I can't be broken...I don't want to change from that young girl who could wipe her bloodied nose and whisper...I will surprise you all...One day you will be sorry...I will be happy and you can't stop me...I will do great things...

I can feel that I am on the cusp of something huge....something bigger than myself...something immense and profound...I can feel my feet moving toward the edge...the edge of a great decision...that will change everything...Can I do this?...What if this is the greatest thing I've ever done in my life?...What if this is the test...the true test of my courage?...Will I fail?...Will I meet this head up and head on?...

I pray...to I have no idea whom...that I am ready for this...that I will meet this challenge...this task...with strength...with excitement...with creativity...and with complete abandon....for I am due...I deserve this...I deserve to be set on the edge and allowed to dive into air...and spiral...and free fall to my destiny...my true fate...

I could pull back...I could try to plan...I could second guess...No...Sometimes you have to risk it all...

If It Can't Breathe....

I was taught from a very young age that my life is not my own....it is owned by others...and I fought that concept like a lion.  People rebel in many ways...some sneak out in the middle of the night...some drink...use drugs...sleep with lots of people...I never rebelled that way.  I rebelled by not breaking...openly.  I wanted everyone to know that I couldn't be broken...no one could force me to do anything...

In some ways this protected me from myself and the things that could have potentially destroyed me...as I see many of my clients destroyed...At the same time...the harder I fought like a lion...the smaller my self-imposed cage became...until one day it was like a cat carrier...

I blamed everyone for caging me...for trapping me with promises...words of love...connecting with my desires...giving me what I demanded...and I went willingly...and I stayed willingly...I allowed my great mane to be sheared...and I sat in shame.  I had fought so hard that I didn't know how to do anything else...so I created battles...I created foes....I sought out misery and despair...

Now...I often think where I be if I had used all of that fierceness to move forward in life...instead of staying in one place fighting imaginary battles...Where would I be now?...Would I have ever married?...Did I need to do all of this to become something wonderful...or was it a waste of time and energy?

No matter the what ifs...I cannot blame anyone for who I am...I chose to be this way...I chose all the wonderful things that have happened in my life...and I chose most of the pain...I don't know if it was meant to be...or if it was wasted time...I do know that I've only grown when I have space to swallow in great gulps of air and exhale without reproach...from others...and myself...

I believe that is what we all want...it is why we rebel...why we fight...fight to be free or fight to shackle someone else...we want to have the ability to make things the way that we want them...The trouble is that whether we are fettered or someone else is...whether we are standing still or someone else is...it's not freedom...One doesn't gain any more freedom by pushing or holding someone else than we do pushing or holding back ourselves....

We were meant to be free and someone who allows that is the the someone that we will return to...even being true to our inner self...I clung to my ex when he decided to leave...to escape...after he had tried to put me in a box...I should have known better...I should have been wiser....but now I know...

Everything finds escape...no one grows...nothing stays...if it can't breathe....

They Have to Say They're Different...

One of the several unwanted experiences connected with divorce is dating....don't get me wrong...I love men...I love the experience of that attraction associated with eyes meeting...wanting each other...fascinated by the not so fascinating things that we all do...two puzzle pieces coming together...it's a fit...or at least it feels that way...

No matter how many dates I go on...back when I was still throwing myself out there...each person was different...unusual...nothing like the last person who asked me out...and for the most part...none of them pointed out that there was anything different...unusual...they may have hoped that was the case...but they never brought it to my attention...

I know that I am fairly unusual in my approach to things...that seems to only help in my work...not in my intimate relationships....I don't play games...I'm very straightforward...and I know what I want and don't want...even if I try to bend or stretch myself....I can't pretend...especially with myself...I don't know if that is good or bad...and after ten years of constantly being caught up in traps and manipulation...I feel a bit too street smart and bluntly sharp...I know that's not good....

So...none of the dates have become anything...and I am lucky to make it to a second date...Actually...I think I'm probably lucky that I don't make it to the second date...it just means that I find out right away that it was not the right fit....And...even in that...things have been consistently the same for me...and I never point all of these things out to the other person...I let the chips fall as they may...

But...every once in awhile I have connected with someone and they have said immediately that they aren't like everyone else...Not oddly enough...they have done all the same things that everyone does...had the same fears...same slips...same faltering in confidence or overconfidence...any uniqueness they might have is lost in my seeing the similarities to others...Same diving in and running away...the few that have remained behind have become friends...and there were similarities in that...

In fact...even my belief that I am different...is the exact same feeling that all women have...that all men have...I am so different...my story is so unusual...no one will ever understand me...it's all the same...all the same...To go a step further...I think we are all overly dramatic...including myself...about what we feel our differences are...What makes us each unique are not the things we think are unique...it's the things that we ignore about ourselves...

The next time we weigh heavily on what we feel makes us stand out...maybe we should run through the list of feelings...shame..elation...humorous...angry...scared...and remind ourselves that the stories look and sound unique...but the moral of the story and the emotions connected to it are universal...we're just looking for someone who fits into our story...who recognizes its' similarities to their own...

If nothing else...you can be reminded of our sameness...when you sit across from someone...and they have to say they're different....

Devil at My Door....

It is amazing to me how my new found freedom has unfettered me...in ways I had not imagined...I no longer feel as though I were wearing a huge target on my chest...I do what I want when I please...or I do nothing at all...and that pleases me too...No apologies...no racing to put something in order...to avoid the disappointed gaze or the heckling for my choices....

No more "setting you on fire to see what you will do"...that used to be a large part of my life....and...although sleep still doesn't come easily...I can lay in bed and watch a movie...as long as I like...I can read and watch a movie at the same time...I can eat in bed...or beside it...around it...and sleep in the crumbs....or stare...depending on the night...

I'm not completely "there" yet...but each day I'm feeling tougher...in a good way...things are starting to roll off my back and I just keep chipping away to gain more freedom....It's easier for me to say no...to screen calls...to jump in my car for a trip...or stay in my PJ's all day and nap on the couch with the cats...all three of us stretched out and piled on top of each other...purring....

With all that new found bravery...there are risks...It's risky to sling around your courage...it can find itself challenged.  You can find yourself surprised at who might come a callin'....Every action is asking the universe for a reaction...a response...and the responses are never exactly what we expect...So...I remind myself that a little freedom can be a good thing...and a bad thing....After all...you know what they said about the Titanic..."Not even God can sink this ship..." and Leonardo and Kate know what happened....

I better be careful...the next time I hear knocking...it could be the devil at my door...

Some Things Just Leave a Lasting Impression....

It's been a year since I took my wedding ring off my hand...For months there was a white...untanned ring around  that finger...Summer came and went and the color of my hand evened...but this odd dent remained around that finger...Over this past year...I have used lotions...scrubs...and massaged the flesh to allow it to bounce back...reshape itself...I wanted that indention to disappear....

For the rest of myself...I went to see a counselor...it was okay...but there wasn't anything unusual that I was talking about....So...I dove into work....it was good but didn't fill in the empty space that had been left behind....I had garage sales...to clean out the things that were weighing me down...but I was still smothered.

I moved to different location...it's okay...but I dragged everything about my life with me.  I dated...and dated...and dated...then stopped.  I lost weight on my body....but still had weight on my mind....I applied to Teach for America...was accepted...and those wheels are in motion....and that's good....but I still stop...at least once a week...and realize that I have nothing to keep me from going...and then I feel the same weightlessness that I felt when I was skydiving...it's still slightly uncomfortable underneath the excitement.....

I try to move slowly through each decision I make....I started this blog...which has become a passion and an outlet for my thoughts and words...and it has been oddly healing...I am exploring aspects of my personality and responses that I feel need work...and I'm working on them each day...and I can feel the difference each day...Everything about me is not changing...but evolving....and I feel good...

But...I still struggle to fall asleep at night...and when I do sleep...I dream vividly about all my life's hurts...all the things I've never dealt with before...all the people that I have allowed to hurt me and then begged for their forgiveness...Those deep gouges in my psyche are slowly healing...It's all part of the process...

As I drove to work today...I looked down at my hand...hoping that my finger would look single....and even as the sun shone down on my skin...I could still see the groove where the band had sat for six years....No matter what you do...in the end...it is time that heals all wounds....

You have to face facts...some things just leave a lasting impression...

You're Nobody till Somebody Hates You....

It's wonderful to have someone love you...the birds sing...your heart soars...you feel invincible...you're funnier...your cheeks are flushed...everything is easier...blah, blah, blah....it's true...it's just a fact...everything feels better and safer.  The other fact is that you don't really know what you are made of...until someone really hates you...I'd like to say that I have never experienced that...but I'd be lying...I am that personality...that person that you love or hate...no one ever feels ambivalent about me...

The first strong woman relationship I ever had was with my mother...and...well...most of the time she hated me...and was pretty open about it...it messed me up as a kid...and I really struggled through my early adult years because of that...I think there were people who hated me that didn't have to...I brought it on myself...Hard-headed...didn't want anyone to think I was weak...and really...I was a mess inside...and believed that everyone would eventually hate me...so...I either begged for their love or did things to make them hate me ahead of time....it was all about fear...and I was full of it....But I learned a lot...and eventually I found a way to have more love in my life...I'm still learning...

I learned that people make many decisions about other people before that person opens their mouth...They decide within the first six seconds who you are....sometimes they are right...often they are wrong....Most of the time...when someone hates you...it's not about you...it's about them...you inspire fear in them...they feel less confident...less attractive...less interesting...and not so bright...in so many ways...and they hate you for breathing in and out and inspiring those inept feelings...So...what do you do?...Nothing...Sounds odd...but you can't do anything about someone else's feelings...they love you or they don't...

I know in the past....I have twisted myself up like a pretzel to win back love...or give someone what they wanted...even when they didn't know what they wanted...and it just doesn't work...because that is nothing about love...just self-loathing...I'm not saying that if someone is a thorn in your side because they hate you that kicking the sofa or yelling in the woods on a hike isn't helpful....it is...because I've done it...I felt slightly better...But at the end of the day...you really need to know who you are and what you are really responsible for...what actions you need to own....

The experience of someone hating you lets you know where your insecurities are and if you really...really believe in yourself...because when you are in a room alone with them...they don't believe in you...I deal every day with someone who clearly can't stand my presence...and I'm thankful to her...she reminds me every day that I have to believe in myself...that I need to love myself...and that if I don't have myself together...I need to figure it out...but fast...because I need to have my own back....

Love is the easy part...but you can truly appreciate it when you experience its' absence....I wish this weren't true but struggle builds character...it's when you discover...you're nobody till somebody hates you...