When You Know...You Know....

I was raised to live in self-doubt...to not believe in myself or any of my choices.  As a result...I have been the queen of second guessing...my desires...my dreams...my hopes.  I have had wonderful things in the palm of my hand...sitting there...all mine and I have squashed it...tossed it away...sabotaged it.  Then my life became a recurring story of loss....and with each loss...I allowed a piece of me to be taken, as well.

Over the years...I became better about keeping more of myself...not tossing that away...but I still doubted my purpose...my goals...my choices...Finally...I came to the conclusion that if I couldn't see myself with that person...if I couldn't see myself in that job...if I couldn't visualize my future with that...thing...it wasn't going to happen...and I was always right....and still I stayed.

So often...I have known coming out of the gate what would or wouldn't happen...but visible choices never reflected what was in my heart and mind...I pushed it away...which is so odd to me....I'm a woman who plans...plan A...B...C...One would think that I would see this...thing...as a failure...lost cause...a true waste and move away from it...but I never did....and to add further damage...I allowed others counsel to lead me back to things that I knew I should leave.

Now I am single...I am changing all of these...things...and I'm purposely keeping the planning to a minimum...It is only now that I see myself in what I'm headed toward...and I'm truly moving toward it...I am committed...I know that it is time to leave...it is time to become something else...the very best of me...and it is during this time...of all times...that I saw myself in the eyes of another...

I'm not stopping...altering my set course...it was this very course that set me in front of them and they...in front of me...This isn't an act of sheer will...I am not willing this to happen...this is just knowing...deep within myself that something very important has happened...and that the only way I will lose it....is if I toss it away...It will wait for me to do this...thing...that I need to do...

Even still...I know...this peaceful acceptance that my decision to finally believe in my choices...has presented me with some...thing...that I would never have acknowledged...never accepted...until now...I am ready for what I see...what I am visualizing...what I dream about now....

After all...when you know...you know...