I grew up not understanding unconditional love...I had never heard of it...literally...and I certainly hadn't experienced it. Everything had conditions....usually painful and dangerous. The worst of it was that they weren't even set conditions...they changed daily...As a result...life was a gauntlet I ran...always.
As an adult...I was quite sure that I didn't know what love felt like...I worried that my worries...and my fears were all that I carried with me. My relationships...offered moments of peace...but rarely satisfaction...and I continued to enter partnerships that resembled the gauntlet of my childhood...
Several experiences over the past decade have given me the validation that I needed...in regards to my ability to love...but then my believer button was broken...several times...in several places...Now it is all taped up with plaid duct tape ...and sometimes I can feel it wobble...when touched....
I don't know if this is way it's supposed to be...I don't know if everyone wonders about their ability to love or believe...I do know that probably most people don't believe that I struggle with this...that I often look around and wonder if I am alone in my fear...that what is broken now...will never be whole again...or maybe never was....
It is easy for me to talk the talk...and walk the walk...but deep within me lies only blind faith these days...I don't even know if it is faith...It might just be persistence and sheer determination...Whatever it is...I only hope that I can give others what they need from me...because if I tried to explain the convoluted mish mash in my soul...everyone would walk away scratching their heads...hell...I spend most of my time subconsciously scratching my own head...
Here's what I do know....I do love unconditionally...I don't pass out my love like Halloween treats...but when someone does come knocking...I give them a fair shot...quite a few shots...and even if the trick ends up being on me...I still...often...love them...I just protect myself from rotten eggs....
I also know that I still believe...I'm just not connected to it right now...everything is still tender around my believer button...as a friend used to say...my feelers have been hurt...and I'm a bit over protective of me...I need to be...until the plaid duct tape comes off safely...and it will...I feel sure that who I will be...on the other side of this...will be a stronger...more loving person than I ever imagined I could be...and I want to believe that there will be many someones in my life who love me back...because life is too short to not have love...
Without exception...
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