For those of you who know me...and those of you who don't...my favorite question is "why?"...That's really the theme of this blog...why this?...why that? And...anyone who has been asked that question knows that there are good times and bad to be asked why....I ask it all the time...sometimes I almost have to put my hand over my mouth to keep the question in...Needless to say...I have learned the positives and negatives of the question...
My mother would periodically snap out of her mental illness...in my youth...and have moments of parental lucidity...Keep in mind that when a person doesn't practice something or have the opportunity to try new things...they will most likely revert to what they know...what they feel comfortable with or what everyone else is doing...No one likes to stand out...As it was with my mother...when she had mental clarity...and I was busy asking "why"...she would answer everything with "...if all your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge..." Sometimes the phrasing fit...and...well..sometimes it didn't...but nevertheless...
Although she appeared to not always grasp the true meaning of the philosophy...I did...but in a child's logic...Being extremely decisive and stubborn...I took the phrase to mean that I shouldn't do anything like anyone else...So...in the wake of transient living...which made me stand out...being extremely poor but ending up in wealthy school districts...which made me stand out...only having LPs from the 40's, 50's and 60's and no radio...which made my musical tastes stand out...reading only classical literature and knowing all the answers in English class...which made me stand out....and looking like a grown woman by the time I was 14...I decided that I needed to do something to make myself stand out...and so I did....everything different...and vowed to never do what everyone else does....
As I grew older...I thought I wanted to be like everyone else...I believed I yearned for it...but when it came down to the brass tacks of situations...I just couldn't blend in...The early years were about making a statement...the middle years were about trying to balance...and my years now are about doing what I need to do...as long as I take other's needs into consideration...but I'm still going to march to the beat of my own drum...Over the years...I have been ridiculed...condemned...punished and...quite frankly...had the crap beat out of me for being willing and wanting to stand out...
In the end...I've never regretted stepping forward to make myself known with purpose....It has enabled me to do things that I should never have been able to accomplish...and it keeps me taking chances on amazing things...It also ensures that I could die at any moment and not regret my life...Sure...I've cried tears...I've been lonely...I've been broke...and I've felt broken...but it is the best kind of high to stand in the spotlight...to have your voice rise above...to be the driving force behind something good...And all of my closest friends are risk takers of one sort or another...they have big voices and they constantly step forward...and I'm proud to say that they chose me as an important person in their lives...They definitely aren't sheep...If they are doing it...it's worth taking a long look...Come to think of it....I guess there might be one thing I would do like everyone else...My friends are wicked smart...so I might join in ....
If all my friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge....
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