It's a Wonderful Life...

Well...here I am...one year older and still adding to my blog...that began...last Christmas...It's at this time of the year...that I pull out my favorite movie...Last year I couldn't watch it...I wanted to punch it in the throat...but since the age of eight...I have loved...cried...and dreamed...through this Frank Capra masterpiece...

I have been George Bailey...most of my life...reaching for one thing...and then setting it aside for another...so driven to make a difference...I have often bypassed my own pleasures...for someone else...Even now...I am working each day to make a difference in my student's lives...It's happening...slowly...but it's happening...but I talk about this all the time...quite frankly...I choose to find beauty...and success...in the darkest...dankest places...

This classic movie...brings together all the beauty of Americana...family...choices...and hope...It causes me to hope...It reminds me to find hope...in all things...even the darkest...dankest times...I hope so much...that I put idealists to shame...

The aspect of the movie that I never talk about...is what brings George Bailey to the bridge...the breaking point...the moment he decides that he has no purpose...and that his presence...is no presence at all...that the world would have been better off without him...

As a child...who contemplated every avenue of escape...an ending to what broke me every day...and even as I struggled through my early adult years...with the demons that set up camp...in your mind...when you become practiced at considering a finale...that will end the pain...another part of me broke last week...when I discovered one more person...in my life...had committed suicide...this makes six...

I am leveled...this is not a movie...there was no angel that came down...diving into icy water...so that this friend could save himself...by saving another...I'm not sure what has saved me...all these years...maybe I am too stubborn...maybe too lazy...maybe I am just a fighter...but I have always found a way...a light at the end of the tunnel...

But...at this moment...I feel deep sadness...even as a sit in a new tunnel..in my life...near that bridge that George stood on...and I see the light...knowing I'll make it through...and beyond...my heart aches...not with pain...but understanding...Just as I know what it feels like to step away from that bridge...to believe again...I also know what it feels like...to carry the unbearable weight of life...a life that feels closed...and unforgiving...to clutch that railing...white knuckled...unable to cry...unable to breath...eyes pressed shut...and to feel the pull...into a plunging...downward spiral...to the icy waters below...

I only wish he had looked up...looked around...blinked his eyes...let the light in...Is it awkward to come back from so dark a moment...yes...Is it a struggle to put one foot in front of the other...yes...Is there something...or someone...out there to give us back that initial sense of purpose...yes...and do you have to make those first movements alone...yes...only you can decide to cross that bridge...instead of leap from it...and when others pull away...during your dark time...it is only because those dark times...are reminders to others...how frail and fallible we are as humans...no one wants to be reminded that this is one possible ending to a story...

Just like George Bailey...there is the possibility of a warm room...filled with people who care for you...who are waiting for you to step off the other side of the bridge...to come home...to walk toward the light...the one coming from the street lamp...on your path...to a your own doorstep...No one can drag you there...you have to find your own way there...use a map...a compass...and a fist...if you have to...but come home...bridges are meant to be crossed over...

No matter how dark...no matter how rough...no matter how long...no matter how confusing...George Bailey...really...truly...

It's a wonderful life...

This is for those who have left too soon...too empty...too alone...

Just Like Her...

This week...my friend asked me why I had stopped writing...I told him it was a long story...and that I would be sure to tell him...the next time we had time to talk...there were all sorts of crazy reasons that knocked around...in my head...I was extremely busy...I had writer's block...I am focused on my students...aliens had stolen my computer...I told myself that I was telling the truth...

I write all the time...and I have my students write every day...they write until their pencils break...until their natural reflexes have them pulling pen and paper out of their bags...as soon as they enter my room...and...yet...I haven't been able to write for months in this blog...

I think about the blog all the time...have ideas for posts...begin them often...and then...promptly...let myself down...by not writing...or worse yet...starting a post...only to erase it and walk away...silently berate myself for doing so...

So...here it is J...this is why I haven't written...

I tell people that I have no family...this isn't exactly the truth...I have an aunt...she doesn't know who I am anymore...she thinks she lives in another place and time...she is alone...and wants to be that way...she wants no one...But...there was a time...a time when she was a brilliant...beautiful woman...talented...strong...a teacher...a trail blazer...a woman to be reckoned with...and I look like her...I have...unwittingly...followed in her footsteps...

When I was young...my mother...in jealousy...and driven by her mental illness...screamed at me...all too often...you are just like her...you are just like your aunt...I never felt that I was...I only knew that she was my harbor...my safe port...in the tumultuous ocean...that was my life...She would sweep in...and carry me away to moments of happiness...and safety...this fierce lady...my aunt...

Then I grew older...and she did too...her strength became...unrelenting stubbornness...her beauty became deep seated vanity...her talent became a self-centered hammer...that she would use to drive others into the ground...her ability to trail blaze...became the freight train that would slam into other unsuspecting engines...leaving the dead and dying scattered in the surrounding fields...and when she began to lose he mental faculties...there wasn't anyone left around her to notice...or care...except me...

I tried to be there with her...and for her...until she battered me...to the point of exhaustion...and I left...defeated...ashamed...that I couldn't save her...the way she had saved me...that her once great strength...had become a battering ram that broke my will...and I left her...no...I ran...in fear...

I could hear my mother's voice...you are just like your aunt...I could see my aunt's reflection in the mirror...you are just like her...I looked down...and I saw myself...in her shoes...blazing that trail...teaching...creating....and doing it all alone...the silence deafening...

I'm scared...no...I'm terrified...is there a price to pay for being who I am...do I have to be alone...in order to make a difference...or is being alone...the result of fighting for what I believe to be right...or am I cursed...although I beat all the other labels that have been tossed at me...will I end my days...a scared...lonely woman...who believes she is somewhere else...will I eventually drive everyone away...

As I sit here...in the quiet...in the dark...I pray...please don't let this happen...I feel weak again...I feel small...I feel tossed...once again...on that angry sea of doubt...my voice...lost...in the roars of my greatest fears...and I wonder...did she ever feel this...did she know...did she know her fate...did she ever try to fight for something different...and does mourn now...as I mourn for her...

Dear God...if you exist...please...let me be like my aunt...and not...please...don't leave me alone...please...give me the courage to fight...for my life...as well as others...please...help me untangle myself...from this web...let me have others to hold my hands...and not drive them away...let me rock the boat ...but no longer be tossed upon the rocks...and let me feel peace...before I die...

Just like her...