Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I Believe in Peanut Butter Cups...

I have always been an idealist...a dreamer...a true believer...almost to my detriment...Even as I charted my course through the stormy sea of my childhood...and the uncharted waters of my adult life...I have always believed...believed...that if I believe...it...whatever it is...it would happen...and so has my life unfolded....

I teach young men and young women now...halflings...part adult...part child...and many live lives...where they find it impossible to believe...where dreams are dangerous...and so is reality...They often walk on the edge of a slippery...deep...cup...where every moment puts them in danger of sliding in...tumbling into a tiny world...with no escape...a prison...in their own minds...

I wish I was being over dramatic...I'm not...as much as I dream...I have this part of me that has emerged...all realist...it is with these eyes that I see my students...and I have been there...on that precipice...in danger of falling...sliding into nothingness...what I felt I was...nothingness...

Over the past months...two of my young women...have spoken to me about their desires...big dreams...which pained them...because they felt there was no way...no way in hell...that they would ever...and they told me...they consulted...they pleaded with their eyes...what should I do...is it wrong to ask...and I told them...keep pushing...don't stop...what steps can you take...and each time they fell...they came back...back for more...more hope...and I scooped it up and gave it to them...with my cup...the one I wield...instead of balancing on the edge of these days...

Last week...one of my gals...sat...head in hands...moist eyed and trembling lipped...it's not going to happen...I can't find a job...I'm going to be stuck here...I'll never get out...and...I put down my cup...and lifted her with all my might...my spirit trembling...my voice calm...We are going to get you a job...But no one wants me...Yes they do...they just don't know it yet...next Wednesday...they will know you...we will go together...we will find them...

And so Wednesday came...and met my weary body and soul...and my girl...leading another girl...shining eyes...hair in place...lip gloss...and mascaraed eyes...imperfect perfection...my god...was that me...many years ago...is this what believing is...and somewhere in my body...I felt it...that swelling...bursting feeling...when you know...you just know...and they drank from my cup...softly giggling...as we walked to my car...

I drove us to the first store on our list of stops...a small store...that held no more promise than any other...We took a moment...to straighten our shoulders...throw back our hair...and stare the wind...straight in the face...Hello...may I speak with a manager...I am...My name is Mickie Lewis...and I would like to introduce you...to two of my wonderful...hard working students...who are looking for summer employment...This is such perfect timing...we are in desperate need of people...and we were going to send someone to your school...to recruit...

As I watched my girls...stand straighter...speak more politely...and glow from inside out...it seemed the dingy walls fell away...and the merchandise...held so much promise...and as they shook hands with the woman...I'm so glad you came in...I so hope that I get to work with you...in my store...I saw it...it...the it...someone wants me...me...me...me

The last stop...another store...where I purchased a king size Reeses for a dollar...and sat in the car...with my two new disciples of dreaming...burgeoning believers...I offered them one...in celebration...a different cup...than the one that they had been balancing on the edge of...They stole glances at it...not used to this feeling...believing in it...that it might disappear...It's here...it's real...today happened...this cup seals the deal...once you eat this...it's part of you...you'll never look at a Reeses the same again...and I watched as they reached with trembling hands...for this sweet confection...glistening eyes...and took a bite...they believed...and so I...I believe in it...the it...and all of it's magic...and

I believe in peanut butter cups....

Monday, May 6, 2013

No...You Were Right

They say that the impression that is the most honest...the most truthful...the most lasting...happens in the first 6 seconds... not when you are listing your skills...not when you are sharing anecdotes...or dazzling with witty retorts...It all comes down to the moment you first connect...hand touches hand...or not...voice greets  voice...and eyes meet...or not...In those precious few seconds...a belief is formed...the subconscious speaks loudly and freely...and the opinion is locked in...You can  rationalize forever...but the impression has been made...like a hand sinking into quick drying cement...or the moment you realize a flower is a weed...

Your first instinct...there is a big problem here...a roadblock...an impassable impasse...Pause...No...I'm just creating a problem...you say to yourself...The eyes shift...not quite meeting your gaze...then shift back...They smile...a seed has been planted...

You overcome the moment...with sunny disposition...and water it with generosity and hopefulness...and so the seed splits...and the first sprout appears...Delicate and tender...you see this as growth...the beginnings of something new...sure to blossom into the most wondrous flower...vibrant and swaying in the beams of your positive thoughts...but then...for a moment...weren't you positive that this would not work...ah well...it was only six seconds...no time to weed through your thoughts...Maybe...you were wrong...

The clock ticks...and the relationship is in its first days...the tiny leaves are breaking away from the stem of your first encounter...Surely...this will be the most beautiful bud...possibly an azalea...oohh...maybe a rose...and so your hopes rise...You are lifted to unimaginable heights...as you imagine the future growth...The higher this potential floral explosion reaches...the hazier the remembrance of your first thoughts...a bit like the haze that drifted across their face...when you first reached for their hand...and they leaned away from you...But...now...that you are thinking more clearly...you can see that they were just being respectful...How could you be so wrong?

The roots appear to be setting...as you feel that you are finally planted firmly...on your own two feet...How wonderful this is that you have matured...grown...and that you see things...as they truly are...except for that little...sharp...spiny...or is it a thorn...coming out the side...or sticking in yours...But...you know...there is always bad with good...a bit of uncomfortability?...Is that a word?...well...maybe you will use it...surely ...it should be...you're all about conforming to...you mean confronting the new...keep your head about you...or you'll lose this...by being wrong...

A few weeks later...or a month...a pod develops...odd looking...angry...no...ugly...no...that's unfair...you're not giving it a chance...it just needs time...time heals all wounds...like that scratch that you received from...that thing on the stem...that pierced you...you bleed...but only for a moment...there were a couple of minor gouges...but nothing...you know...serious...You...must have misunderstood...it wasn't it's fault...you weren't paying attention...you needed to be more considerate...yes...you were in the wrong...

One day...that pod...rears it's head...cracking open...pushing...curling back...to expose...something you can't describe...you've lost your words...you can't put your finger on it...literally...or is that figuratively...maybe both...But...you are so invested in this...this thing...this no named neediness...this over arching aching...maybe from the sore...no...it's from the heart...you're pretty sure...it must be love...or it will be eventually...and this growing entity...will absolutely...thank you...thank you for all the time...the moisture you've teared over it...the efforts...the hours...and the clouded hope...you have given...surely...about this...you can't be wrong...

Because...the blossom you felt you flowered...now burns your eyes...keeps you up at night...sleepless...blowing your nose...tearing up...raw skin...swollen...and keeps you from breathing...No matter how hard you try...to believe...something would change...after those first six seconds...it didn't...you did...you trusted the untrustable...instead of trusting your instincts...A weed is just a weed...it's always a weed...and you know it...you cannot make it a flower...your lavishing love doesn't have that power...about this...one can never be wrong...

So...when you whacked it down...and everyone shook their heads...saying...how could you do that...maybe it would have been beautiful...yes...it felt uncomfortable...yes...you are allowed to wonder...yes...you may appear ruthless...But...when you sleep the night through...finally...know...don't question...in the beginning...

No...you were right