Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Just Need a Spoon....

Over the past few months...my relationships with men have changed dramatically...for the better.  I have begun to carry over the honesty that I use in my work to the relationship building that I have been developing with the men in my life.  I have always had a many male friends...and most of them...have been my longest friendships...they are my brothers...the brothers that I never had...I turn to them for plain talk...great belly laughs...jokes and quotes that can be used forever and to help me "get over" myself.  There is a natural male trait to not take yourself to seriously and to move past things without over analyzing that I find to be very healthy.  So...I've worked hard to begin practicing this in my more intimate relationships....

Of course...the timing is not right for me...now...to have a really intimate relationship with a man...beyond the divorce...there simply isn't enough time in my current life plan...and I see that...I'm not in a rush to "make" anything happen...not to mention...the universe has it's own plans for me and it will not allow anything to happen to disrupt the flow of events....

Now...this doesn't mean that I haven't received my fair share of offers for a roll in the....um...hay...and...I've accepted a few...and it only took a few for me to realize that was not what I was looking for...I'm a relationship person...I don't want a string of one night stands...So...here I am at a time in my life when I could fill my weeks and weekends with...um...games and I don't want it...but there are things that I miss terribly....

My ex was...if nothing else...affectionate...um...a cuddle bunny...Yes...he was a snuggler in bed...on the couch...on the floor...it really was the only time that he made me feel that everything was okay...that I was taken care of...and I was always thankful to be held...it just happened to be his arms.  Now that he is gone...I don't miss him...I miss being held...it doesn't happen anymore...No one pulls me close...strokes my hair...touches my cheek and lets me put my head on his chest...my bed is very cold sometimes...I just can't get warm...

During this time of reconstruction and repair...I have become friends with several men that I had hoped would be more...and like I said the timing wasn't right...So..I used my newly practiced skills in talking frankly with these men and we decided that we could be friends...very good friends...sharing intimate accounts of what we were going through...each of us...make each other laugh...call each other to check on how our days were passing and to be there for the those moments when tender intimacy was most needed...I'm not talking about sex...I'm talking about the intimacy that exists between two people who feel safe enough to not laugh...maybe cry...maybe lay quietly and say nothing at all...but most of all...to hold each other...sometimes through the night....and sleep that deep satisfying sleep that you can only sleep in the arms of someone who cares for your well being...

Last weekend...one of these wonderful men came to my house...we had both had a rough week...and we talked...we shared dinner...laughter...silence and we held each other....all through the night....and slept...slept late and deeply...the bed was warm...we slept so close that we could feel the breath of the other...it was intimacy in its purest form...and it was beautiful....we turned something practical...like two utensils...side by side...into an intimate artisan piece of one...and we were both better for it....

I think...just maybe...although two utensils have their place...and sometimes a fork just won't do...you just need a spoon...

(Just when I'm afraid I've run out of ideas someone wonderful says something that becomes my blog for the day....Thanks to Kathleen for the tag idea....I can't take credit for that...I wrote the rest though...)

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Now I Lay Me Down to Stare....

My mind has been going a million miles a minute...I'm a bit stretched and stressed.  There is so much to do...in so little time...I'm an A, B & C planner and I have to leave 50 % of my life...up in the air....my eye is twitching. The other day...I was talking to my very organized friend and I said "...blah, blah...my ex thought I was OCD about cleaning the bathroom..."   There was dead silence...she turned to me...while driving and said matter of factly "you are OCD"...didn't crack a smile and kept driving....she might be right...I just need to organize my thoughts...

As I try to plan for my near future...I am struggling with the "what ifs" that continue to rear their ugly head's...WHAT IF..I can't unload all of the junk that I have collected over the last decade...WHAT IF...I'm not hired as a teacher...WHAT IF...I don't date for two years in Mississippi because the dating pool is so small that it pinch hits for a puddle...WHAT IF...I don't have the right shoes out there....WHAT IF... I have the right shoes now...but I sell them all...WHAT IF...I can't find an apartment...WHAT IF... I can...but I can't afford it...Basically...it's stupid...dumb stuff...and yet it's keeping me awake at night....

The real questions should be....will I be the best teacher that I can possibly be?....will I be inventive and creative in my teaching method?....will I be able to pass 4th grade math?  This is what I should be asking...and...now that I am...that's on my mind too...Whatever happened to the days that I could just roll into bed and sleep soundly...or did I ever have those days?

The relationship stuff is now past and I am moving on...or am I...does this OCD pattern...that I supposedly have...hurt my relationships and not just me?  Do I make my issues someone else's...if they share my life?  My best guess is...yes...I do...this isn't good...it borders on bad...How do I stop this?...or curb it?...or deal with it?  I need to figure this out...but soon...

So...I'll think about this...later...It's time for bed...I need my sleep...right now...I lay me down to stare...

Monday, February 27, 2012

In the Land of Ambivalence...

It's an odd feeling for me to not be stressed about everything...and maybe I still am...I don't know....I'm not sure that I care that I don't know...there it is...the 5th stage of grieving...ambivalence...My life has become calmer...quiet...almost...and I know what I need to do next.   I've organized...and prioritized...but there is a part of me that feels like it needs a long nap...

I've constructed some peace offerings for myself to reward my progress...I went to the doctor...had the full work up done...so I wouldn't worry about that...I've started taking a couple extra days a month off...just to feel like I go on staycations...worked out a plan with my orthodontist so that my braces will come off early...treated myself to good haircut and conditioning treatment...SuperCuts would just be punishment...and I sleep with a huge thick blanket down the middle of the bed...so I can drape myself across it and feel like I am not sleeping alone...that I am being held...

My finances are organized and I have been diligent in scheduling...but there is this huge part of me that is working through all of this due to force of habit.  I don't have any feelings about any of this yet....I know they will come...but I've planned the risk taking...I just haven't actually jumped yet...maybe that's it...I can't jump until all the baggage has been eliminated...sold...thrown out...left behind...

I think this is the stage that I've never allowed myself to stay very long....I don't want to be trapped here...that's the fear...The reality is that I'm exactly where I need to be and that moving any further along would be preemptive....so...I'll just shuffle along...chipping away...one issue after another...being quiet and continuing to plan....

I keep thinking that eventually I will go back to being my old self....maybe that's what feels most awkward....I don't think I will ever go back to who I was...I'm not supposed to...I am becoming...what...I don't know...but... more than I ever had the ability to dream I could be...No one ever taught me that once you go beyond the concrete dreaming of things that you move into the misted abstract dream world of possibilities of self....I've never given myself any room to discover this....

So...here I am...long-haired...barefoot...alone...but not lonely...sleeping with my Blankie...one foot in front of each other...slowly weaving through....

In the land of ambivalence....

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Taking a Flying Leap....

Early in the relationship, that would someday become a marriage that ended by my ex taking a dive off the deep end to make something stop, I bought him a birthday gift.  He promptly turned around and bought me the same one for my birthday.  I wanted to be the cool girlfriend that would get him something crazy...irrational...and something that said I wasn't afraid for him....He bought the gift for me...because he wanted me to share the experience with him...He never knew this...but I never wanted to have the experience I wanted for him...I wasn't just afraid...I was terrified...

The expiration date on our gifts was three years...and for three years I manipulated situations so that I would not have to go through with the gift...he couldn't wait....And...then the time was up...we had one week to use the certificates or lose all the money that had gone into them...I prayed for a horrible illness for myself...then he could complete his experience and I could clap from afar...The illness never came...I was perfectly fine the whole week...except for the taste of bile in mouth...

Then it was the day...the morning of this dramatic action and he could not contain his excitement.  I grinned from ear to ear just like a dog does right before it throws up on the carpet...he never knew the difference.  We sat through the demo...we suited up...we shook everyone's hands and we stepped into the plane with no passenger seats and no right side wall...and climbed to 10,000 feet over the Royal Gorge...

I made jokes like I always do when I am terrified and don't want anyone to know...he was quiet like he always has been when he encounters something serious.  This was his gift and suddenly I realized I was thinking not of him but of me...there was no way out....I couldn't admit to terror...he would never understand...he was never scared of anything...and I was afraid of everything...I couldn't let him know I was afraid of this....

When the final moment came...he jumped first...but right before...he looked at me with the same gray-faced look he gave me when he had to tell me that he had been sleeping with another woman...It's an odd thing to see fear on another's face...and then he was gone...just like at the end of our marriage.  The man strapped behind me whispered to me "I'm not going to push us out...if you don't lead, we won't leave the plane...you have to be the one to jump..."  I looked out at the sky...which looked oddly white...grabbed the edges of the opening....and leaped....

At first..just like the end of my marriage...I was screaming inside and trying to remain calm on the outside....things were spinning out of control...and I felt incredibly sick....as the wind rushed past my ears...as the plunging took place into...what felt like nothingness...I just wanted it all to stop...I wanted to back up and have a "do over."  My ex was gone...I couldn't see him and I was alone in this craziness...that everyone had said could be a very exciting moment...

And...suddenly...everything did stop...it slowed...it became silent...and I could see again....My stomach settled...I could feel it all...and the air caressed my face....and this time I did yell "...this is beautiful...if I can do this...I can do anything..."  I was right...everything continued to change after that moment...my life was never the same...the more that I disappointed my ex...the more I pushed myself out into the open...I couldn't help my decisions any more than he could help his disappointment...

It occurred to me today...that often what is initiated by someone else...is often the best thing for you...you just would never have chosen it...But...in the end...it's you that has to truly jump...I had thought... the end of my marriage...was the jump..but it was just the initiation...my jumping came after...and I will never stop again...for myself...and so that I can be the best for those that I love...including me...

In the end...it isn't him but me...that should be taking a flying leap...

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Searching for Arrowheads...

Early this morning, I set out to search for arrowheads....It was very exciting for me...something I had never done before and I always wanted to do...You see, I love history of everything...and the unique...I also love to treasure hunt.  So, I did.  For four hours...I searched several places that have been known to offer up wonderful discoveries...

Since I was walking the entire field....I had to step carefully around all the BS...because where ever there is a field...in this country I live in and in any country...there is always BS...

Now...the goal was to find an arrowhead...it's simple...everyone knows what they are supposed to look like...and on the right day...they should be everywhere that I was looking.  I wanted the perfect one...I imagined it...I visualized it...I asked the universe for one.  I walked slowly...tentatively...careful searching with a watchful eye...and I had decided that I would only take home the perfect one....

But...very quickly I discovered that I found myself excited over several unusual rocks...I mean they were really interesting...but then...this wasn't what I was here for?...But...they were different...maybe I'd just keep them for awhile...unless...of course...I found another that was more interesting...more exciting...or the arrowhead...

Then I started to find bones...I mean they were everywhere...and teeth and a jawbone...Wait a minute...I wasn't out here to find bones...what was I doing?...Well...maybe I'd just hang onto a couple of the bones...they wouldn't take up much space...they were unexpected...surely I was meant to find them because they were right in my path...and...after all...they were disposable...if I found my arrowhead...

Then I found a couple pieces of glass...milk glass...porcelain...glazed...not an arrowhead...but it was very exciting...I held those for a bit too...but then they really weren't what I was searching for...and I was already holding rocks...bones...and teeth....and the rocks were scratching my phone up...damaging my belongings...and they were weighing me down...it's difficult to keep going when you are carrying an unexpected heavy load...So...along with the glass and porcelain...I dropped a couple of rocks....and I started to notice that a couple of the others didn't look as wonderful next to the bones and the teeth...but...wait a minute...I still needed to look for my arrowhead...

Oh thank goodness...I found what looked like an arrowhead...I held it up to the light and turned it in my hand...Yes...if I closed one eye...it definitely was an arrowhead...a broken arrowhead...or maybe an unfinished one...yes...unfinished but with potential to be an arrowhead...but so close to what I was looking for that I might be able to tell everyone that I had found an arrowhead...I mean it was really close...you have know idea...how close...

But as I sit at home now...I look at all the treasures I picked up on my journey today and they all are really just what they are...rocks...bones...teeth...and chipped rocks that could be arrowheads...or they could just be rocks that I imagine are something that I say that I am actively searching for....they are not pretending to be anything more than they are...it's only my mind that decides whether they are treasures or not....and why am I so easily distracted from searching for that one amazing arrowhead?  Is it that I find beauty in unusual places...or that I want so badly to find something wonderful that I will attach that description to anything that attracts my attention?

I don't know what the answer is...and I came up with full hands but empty on my quest....at the end of the day...having stepped in my fair share of the BS out there...I'm guessing that I will find my perfect one when I'm not distracted...I'm not focused on making a discovery or finding a treasure....It will be when I least expect it...and it will not jump right out at me....it won't be when I'm looking....

I'll find my treasure when I'm not searching for arrowheads.....

Friday, February 24, 2012

Tossing Out Old Shoes...

As a woman...my thing is shoes and jewelry...sparkly and shiny...and I can't be pulled away.  I'm also a bargain hunter...I love nothing better than to find a jewel among trash.  I take it home...dust it off shine it up and wear it with pride...forever...or until it falls apart.  The other day was no exception...except...I was online...

I went to my favorite site...trusted and true...everything was guaranteed.  As I scrolled through the selections, the choices were vast and varied...I didn't really need new shoes...but there's always the temptation...and I love new shoes...the way they feel...I walk taller...feel beautiful and seem to get a bit more attention...at least until the newness wears off.

About the fifth page...there they were...just my type...perfect...the right look...the right height...just my size...and unusual...they stood out.  I would look fabulous wearing them.  Much to my surprise...the cost was incredibly low...they could be shipped to me easily and...for that matter...I could have them the next day.  I mean really have them...in my hands and be adorned with them before the weekend...it's always nice to have them for a weekend night...I put in my request and was done...

Twenty-four hours later a box sat at my doorstep and I knew this was going to be the one...the pair of shoes that would be worth keeping forever.  I brought them inside and lifted them gently out of the box....ahhh...perfection.  In my increasing excitement...I shoved the shoes onto my feet and began to walk all over....that's when I noticed the slight scuff that I hadn't noticed before...oh well...it's tiny...it won't bother me....

For several months...I wore those shoes...a lot...At first...I couldn't get enough of them...then...maybe once a week...Slowly...they seemed to lose their gleam...becoming cumbersome...I started to notice things about them that I didn't like...the height wasn't quite as high as I had thought before...they seemed to fit too tightly...and...they looked fatter...like they got wide...

I found it irritating that the more I used the shoes...the more they looked used...they couldn't seem to hold up to all the pressure I was putting on them...and...in my irritation...it seemed unnecessary to put them away nicely...like I had before...it was perfectly acceptable to kick them aside...after all...they were showing wear....and there were so many other shoes out there that I could get for a bargain...And...although...I could have taken the shoes to someone to be fixed...shaped up...and refurbished....I thought...why?...it might be cheaper and easier to just throw them out and start over with another pair of shoes....so I did...

It is so odd how people have become like shoes...we worship them until they bore us...or begin to show wear from our demands...we walk all over them....and expect them to stay shiny...fresh...new...Relationships have become just another thing that can be shopped for online...tried on quickly and cheaply...and then when we're done....

It's just like tossing out old shoes....

Thursday, February 23, 2012

I'm Afraid...

My life has been about fear....when I was young...fear was inflicted by others...it was random...coming at all and any time...brief...long...swift...dragging on...Fear caused me to grow up much faster than I should have...and then it followed me throughout my teens and into adulthood...

Fear caused me to say yes when I knew there would be regret...Fear caused me to say no when I knew there would be regret...Fear caused me to lie when I needed to...and when I didn't....Fear was my constant...my rock...I could always count on it being there.

Fear kept my eyes to the ground when they should have been looking up...Fear kept my eyes wide shut...Fear kept me from hearing the things that I needed...and made me hear things that weren't said.  Fear pushed my hands in directions that I didn't want to go and to do things that I didn't have the courage to do.

Fear was my mother...my father...my sisters...my family...my loves...my losses...and my gains.  Nothing looks the same through the eyes of fear that it does to others...who are not afraid.  Fear rocked me to sleep and kept me awake.  It had me crawling...bloody kneed...crying....It caused me to stand stock still and wait for the storms to pass...it moved my feet to run as fast as I could....and it would still catch me.

But, the things that I feared the most were the things that always seemed to loom in the distance...the could be's...the what if's....and then they happened...they've all happened...and there was nothing left...to fear.  I was too tired...too exhausted...too worn down...it was too much...

Then I slept...a deep sleep that I have never slept before....my tired bones relaxed...my hair fell down around my shoulders...the lines of my face softened...my lips loosened and my teeth stopped grinding...and I could breath...deeply....

Now...things are beginning to shift...I can see the landscape moving past me...the wind in my face...and through my hair...the crispness of the air and the burning sun on my face as I look up and forward...my feet are moving faster....arms outstretched...hands open...palms faced upwards....I cannot stop....I don't want to....Someone wonderful told me there was a fine line between fear and excitement....

I will never go back to fear...I'm afraid...

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Lost and Found....

Last year was filled with conundrums...I was tired of fighting...I was balancing working in multiple functions within my community and trying to be "good" wife...whatever that is....I wanted to write...I wanted to get my master's degree...I wanted to have more time with my husband...I wanted to be beautiful to him again...and I wanted my best friend to be alive again....I wanted more time with my niece...I wanted to pull all of my belongings out of storage and boxes...I wanted to live in my own home, not someone else's....I was lost....and then I lost everything....well, not everything...just what I thought I had...

Suddenly...the fighting stopped...everything came out of boxes...I was forced back into dating (which led to comments about my looks....mostly from the neck down and somewhere in the boob region...I'll let you guess) ....I was still living in a rented home...but it was mine alone...my best friend wasn't alive, but I became closer with so many women and...at the same time...found my balance within my community....I realized that "good" wife has no particular meaning....I am on my way to achieving my master's....and I'm writing....

I have found that I have been writing all of my life...that I have a voice in me that I have never used to its' full potential....that I have huge family of friends that I never realized....that I'm okay...in the night...alone....that, although I believe in being with someone else...I believe in being in love...it may never happen for me...I may do greater things without a partner...I have found that to be painful and freeing...I found that I had been clinging to the past and there was nothing there for me...

I found that the universe is keeping me from doing anything to get in my own way...somehow I pushed past a glass ceiling that I have been staring through...my whole life.  Once that glass broke...I seem to be flying upwards and forwards and I can't stop it....like I wanted it so badly for so long that everything about myself broke through...this incredible explosion of energy and desire...and even as I try to reach back for what I knew before...I am on a running ahead of schedule train....the universe gives you what you ask for....

Another conundrum...I have lost and found....

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Did Someone Say I'm Helpless?....

My days are mixed....they are like "grab bags" that stores often put together so they can sell the...well...crap...that no one will buy if they actually had to look at it.  Some days...I open the bag and it is filled with ordinary things..useful...necessaries...nothing really wasteful....Other days...they are filled with some wondrous treasure that I am full of glee that no one else actually saw it and took it from me....and then there are days like today...where I actually feel like I've been handed a flaming paper sack and when I stomp on it to put out the fire...it's filled with poo...

I'm trying...I really am...and today just felt like I was down to my knees....the universe has obviously made some definitive choices for my future and there is little I can do to put in my two cents.  Some of the choices are amazing...some of them are just painful...and I have no idea...one moment to the next...if I am handling any of them appropriately...

I'm fairly sure that I am the world's worst friend....that I'm actually still struggling with my own life so much...my own fears and junk...that I'm just keeping it together and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other..sometimes....and then a friend needs me and I'm a bumbling fool....I'm trying to be thoughtful about what I say and instead I just sound thoughtless....I'm trying to be strong and rational and I just sound hard and overbearing...I want to be a "rock" for them....and I am...quite literally...I'm pretty sure the bruises will heal in a week or so...I'm not being hard on myself...in fact...I think I might now know a little bit of what it feels like to be a man...

If I can't even handle these important moments...how can I possibly hope that I would be worthy of a wonderful relationship?  Because I have one...of many...and I fumbled...I dropped the ball...this moment feels hopeless...Hey! Did someone say I'm helpless?...


Monday, February 20, 2012

Leaving Behind....

My entire day encompassed catching up...trying to catch all the grains of sand that have fallen through the cracks...bills that needed to be paid...responses to emails long past...organizing what needs to be packed up...what I want to sell...what to keep...

It seemed that at every turn there was something that I forgotten about...my pack ratted drawers overflowing with items that I don't even know why I chose them to begin with....and it seemed with each item I threw out...nine more appeared....so much to do and so little time....each moment filling with one more thing that I felt was important to do...but no less important than the other twenty....

There is a part of me that wants to sit back and enjoy...but I know that what I am headed towards is where the enjoyment I crave is waiting...not that I am racing to get away from anything...I already feel a sweet homesick pain that I have never felt before...in my entire life.  I know that I will be leaving what has become my home...filled with people and things that have...not only come to define me...but where I am home...

But I am filled with a sense of urgency...my inner clock is ticking as I hurriedly move forward with each important step.  I am anxious to see my old belongings disappear and find homes with others...so that they can become treasures again...instead of anchors...I look forward to feeling lighter...freer...newer...than I have been...ever.

Even as I drove home late last night...from the warmth of good friends...and snow came at my windshield in the dark....I ached and pressed forward...at the same time.   There is no such thing as too much of a good thing....there is so much good here and there will be so much where I am headed....Each turn of the road...each  moment I pass and each one I see in the rear view mirror...they are all so important...important to me and a part of me forever...

My whole life....maybe I have been confusing falling behind with leaving behind....

Chewing Off Their Own Paw....

I was talking with an old friend today and part of the catching up was my divorce.  We discussed the complexities of marriage...how it's easy to lose your identity or try to force the other person into a tight box...so that they fit the picture of what you believe you both should be.   The conclusion...no matter what...it doesn't work that way...the very beauty that draws us to another is often the aspect that we attempt to change or expect to change once vows are exchanged....and in the end we resent that they have changed...we hate ourselves for changing....and we both stop seeing the forest for the trees that are in our way.....

And...so it was for my marriage...it was something wonderful once....and we each changed....one of us went one way and I the other...so then the question is...why didn't we change together?  There were many things that blocked our transitions...some were others....some were situations...some were us...

The literal division of our marriage came through infidelity...on his part...and for awhile it was easy to point my finger at him and say...why did you do this to our marriage?  But...then...as I was philosophizing with my friend today....it occurred to me that I tell my clients daily that we set things up for ourselves.  We ask for things and the universe complies.  Sometimes we feel trapped in our own lives and become desperate to escape.

Maybe it is the other person...maybe it is the conditions...maybe it is the discovery that we might be meant to do something else....not necessarily greater than the other person...but beyond what they are willing or capable of handling....and what do we do?   What do we do when we feel trapped...hemmed in...choking on what has become the banality of daily life?  For the mature and like-minded partners...we work through the rough patch...we find a common ground.  For the rest of us...most of us...we prepare for an exodus...

So...this left me...today...wondering out loud...how much of his leaving was just him and how much was me...what did I do to help the exodus of what was a beautiful thing at one time....do I not have animal instincts same as he?  Sometimes when an animal is caught in what it believes to be a trap....no matter what that trap looks like they will move to desperate measures to find release...

If two wolves are caught in a perceived trap...they might do it differently...but they will both escape by chewing off their own paw...

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire...

I think we believe what we are saying...when we say it...I mean there are blatant lies...we've all used them...we've all heard them...but there are the things that we say that really turn out to not be true...over time.  "There will never be anyone but you..."  "I've never felt this way before..."  "If something happened to you, I would never love again..."...even.."I love it when you do that."  All of these sentences can be truth in one moment and later become a lie...or at least feel like it....

I struggle now with sentences that are said to me...as I find myself single again....I'm not sure how much romanticism I have left or did I have too much to begin with?  I want to believe...like I used to...that love...in a partnership....is possible.  I want to feel that I can trust the other person implicitly....but I worry that part of me might be gone....but maybe that's a lie too...

I thought I wouldn't get over a 25 year hope....now I see it for what it was and is....it all felt real and sweet and painful....and now....it just feels like it didn't exist...very much like my marriage.  Already...the things that hurt deeply before are funny now...the burning is gone...the burning desire...then the burning pain....so were they all truths?  Is truth relative...does it change over time?  And...if all of this is so...what is the truth of my future?

Is there anything that I can say about what I believe will happen that won't...one day...be a lie?  And...why is so much of this question connected with personal relationships...in my case...man/woman...and not about my career aspirations...my personal goals.  Is it a truth that I was never meant to have long lasting love with another?  Is it a truth that I am meant to help many and that is where my relationships will be?  God...I hope not...I want to help many...but I want something for me....something special...something that lasts....something real...something that isn't a lie....

For now...I guess I am meant to travel alone and not have anyone be a part of my life in an intimate way....liar, liar pants on fire...

Friday, February 17, 2012

True Love...

I was called up late in the evening one night because a family member of a friend had passed away.  I was asked to come down for support.  When I arrived at the nursing home...with my friend...the room was filled with people...milling...talking...and dividing up her belongings.  The more that items were shoved in my hands...the more awkward I felt...who was this woman?...did anyone know anything about her?...why had she never married?...what had been her story?...Everyone has one...

A week later I was invited to come and help clean out her house that she had lived in most of her adult life...and  once again...the rooms were filled with people...some relatives...some not...ripping through drawers...auctioning off jewelry and pieces of furniture....all the while...I kept wondering...who was this woman?  I mean deep inside...what were her dreams?....did she have any regrets?...

I obviously was not working at the speed that others had hoped for and so I was ordered to her bedroom to go through her desk and dresser.  I was given a garbage bag..."..most of that will be trash..." It was evident that the people in the house didn't know me either or they would have given me the oven to clean....instead I was left alone with this woman's most personal belongings...stockings....embroidered hankies...slips...a lipstick and a large box.

I opened the box and there before me were over twenty years of letters and cards...addressed to My Sweetheart....My Love...As I moved through the box...someone stepped into the room and caught my dilly dallying and said, "If those are old letters...just throw them out."  "May I have the box?"  "Do whatever you want with them....they are of no value."  So...I took them home...all of them...every card...every letter home....and I sat down and read them....

Hours later....I didn't know everything about her but here is what I did know...when B was in her twenties...she fell in love with P...who had been married...he went to war and came home to his wife in another's bed...they divorced...but since he was Catholic...the church would not allow his marriage to be annulled....even though it had only lasted a mere six months.

P fell madly in love with B too....but she was Catholic and could not marry P because the church still regarded him as married to his former spouse.  Both of them....devout Catholics and honoring their religious beliefs....didn't run away and marry...they didn't go against their families...and they didn't turn against each other....they remained true...to each other.

For over twenty years...neither married...he never forgot her birthday...an anniversary...or just to say I love you...She kept everything he gave her...every napkin....matchbook...gift card and she never had eyes for another man.  No one could ever speak of a time that he had stayed the night or any "indiscretion" and....although many recognized his name...no one acknowledged him of importance to them...or to her.  

Obviously a romantic at heart...B was a keeper of sentimental things and had often jotted down sayings or thoughts...which she tucked away.  In the midst...of these love letters...was a poem that she had written for P and never given him.  Although...it would be tempting to edit the poem...I feel that it deserves....in it's simplicity...to speak from her heart and not mine.....

When you and I love must part
can sorry break your tender heart.
I in a distant land-I must roam
sleep and die for you alone.
All this I wish to say
night bids me go I cannot stay,
with burdens great upon my mind
you will in this a secret find.

P died several years before B....never to love another than her...and B passed...never having married because her heart belonged to him.  If I were a praying woman....I would pray that one day someone would have that much love for me....a true love...

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Could This Be?....

There are moments that I think about my first blog posting...I was scared...excited...and unsure what to say.  Today it felt as if I had been doing this for a very long...as if I had been writing forever...maybe I have.  I thought about how I had felt heartbroken by so many things...people...moments...memories.  I thought about how I had thought that I was in love...as an adult...with someone that I had loved when I was young...I thought about all the questions I have been asking....and I thought about where I am headed...physically and emotionally.

Today, I wondered what I would write about...as I usually do.  And...as the day came to a close....a former client came up to me and said, "You look good...you've changed."  It was exactly what I often say to those that I help.  I had to wonder how long I have been a client...in need of my own help....needing to trust myself and my own advice.  I wondered how long I had been broken and lost.

It's not that I suddenly don't have anything to work on or talk about...but I'm starting to see the road ahead...the bends...the curves...the trees that line it and I'm holding my head up as I walk.  I'm feeling at peace with who I am...where I come from...and where I'm headed...and I want to love...I already am loving...loving people who have been there all this time...people who care about me...

Instead of placing this great burden of being my touchstone on one person....I find myself reaching out to grasp the hands of many...not out of need...but to let them know that I am here...that I care about them...that I am glad they are in my life.  It's as if I suddenly see myself surrounded by something that I only dreamed of when I was a young.

I walked past the mirror on my way out of work today and I recognized myself....not who I always saw myself as....but who I always wanted to be...I'm not completely there....I've just slid out of my chrysalis and my wings are still crumbled and wet....I'm still vulnerable and new....but I am becoming....that's it...I am becoming...maybe it doesn't even need a name....

Could this be?.....

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Orion's Belt....

I was nine ....kneeling on the cot I slept on... in the bedroom of our trailer that had carpet we weren't allowed to walk on in our bare feet....because it "squished."  Under my pillow was a metal band aid box filled with some change, a dollar bill and rocks that I had collected because I thought they were precious stones (I still have them).  The night was completely clear...except for the stars in the sky.  I was just barely tall enough to put my arms on the window sill and I could feel the warm, moist Florida breeze against my face.

The house was completely quiet...unusually still...as if I was all alone....and there it was clear...brilliantly bright...as if it had been placed in the sky...just for me.  I could see the outline of his tunic and the star that was the point of his sword and the three stars that wrapped around his waist.   He looked down on me as if to say...I am here...I will watch over you...I will be your champion.

In the light of his greatness...I made a wish that night that one day I would be strong and bright like him....that I would be a great warrior and protect others...that I would protect my sisters and that I would never falter or lose faith...that I would always be there in the night as a guardian...and I promised that in return I would always look for him in the sky.

Many years have passed...and I have not always been strong and my brightness has waned often.  I am a warrior...but often for the wrong things...and rarely for myself.   I could not protect my sisters and I left them in the night.  I have lost faith and regained it many times and have reached a proficiency in faltering that often astounds me.  I try...in my work...to be a guardian....I try to see small successes as great victories...but work is simple in the grand scheme of life...but I have always looked for him in the night sky.  This promise I have kept....to this I have been true....

I will keep trying...moving forward...attempting to debate the fates...and hope for the day that someone sees me as a treasure, instead of a challenge...but until that day comes...

I wait for the day that he looks down... reaching out in the dark night and says....you have done well...you have been a champion for others...when they could not defend themselves...you have believed when others doubted...you have dreamed when others dared not....and on that day I will earn Orion's belt.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Risky Business...

When I was a teenager, I couldn't wait to see the movie Risky Business...part of it was Tom Cruise...who..well...has become a bit odd and the other was that just watching the movie was risky business...I wasn't "allowed" to watch it.  It made things all that more exciting....Then my younger sister came home one day and told me that she had seen it...It didn't seem to phase her but I was incensed.  All this time I had wanted to see this movie and feared the wrath of disobedience and my sister just went to a friend's house and watched it like nothing...

Most of my life has been filled with these same situations for me....I'm not supposed to do this or that...I have to stay with the status quo....I have to please my spouse or my "friends"...and if I rebel, I'll lose.  The reality is that I've lost more by playing it safe than I ever did taking risks.  And...when I did lose by playing it safe...it was usually my dignity.

The truth is...I care very much about people...their needs...my affect in their lives...how I often hold someone's future in the balance...but I will take great, flying risks on their behalf and rarely put myself out there for myself.....until now...this blog...this chronicle is one of the riskiest things I have ever done for myself and the irony is that in risking myself...my potential dignity...I have received some of the most amazing responses.....some of the most heartfelt honesty...reminders that we are human...all of us...capable of great things...great pain...great strength and most of it goes unacknowledged....by ourselves....

We have these tremendous voices within us....tremendous light and the ability to move mountains...most of us do it every day...It seems to me that hiding who we are...by not baring ourselves...reaching for the highest star...for the great dreams...truly is the real risky business....

Monday, February 13, 2012

If I Only Had One Day....

A little over a year ago, my best friend set foot into the first day of her dream job.  I mean...from the first day I met her...she talked about what her goal was...her dream....all of her others had been achieved and she had one last one dream.  She achieved it gloriously...brilliantly...proudly...and within a few steps of entering the doors of this her greatest adventure...she collapsed and never revived.  I miss her terribly at times...her laugh...her rowdiness...her demeanor...her love of life....but she didn't regret...and neither do I ...there was nothing left unsaid between us...She knew I loved her...She knew all that she felt she needed to know about me and I her.  Her death changed me...irrevocably...and I find that I can no longer not take chances on life.  I mean real chances....the ones that I used to fill me with fear and embarrassment.

We tend to think that taking chances are like jumping from a plane....running naked through the street....calling someone a "bitch" in a checkout line.  What if jumping from a plane is really going after that "outside the box" job that everyone says is out of your league....or if running naked through the street is really standing in front of someone you love...baring yourself...knowing full well that it will mean nothing to them....And, instead of calling that person a "bitch," asking them if they are okay...if there is anything you can do to help and really mean it when you say it...

Every day I look in the mirror and realize that there are million reasons how and why I shouldn't be standing here...and I don't know how many more minutes I have.....what would I want my last words to be?  What if the person I wanted to say something to wasn't there for me to express those feelings?  Who would I want by my side and who would I not?

These are not questions of self pity or moroseness...these are the things that people spend the rest of their lives grieving over.  These are regrets....if I try anything with an open heart and hands....how can I possibly regret?  I don't control the world...I'm not that powerful that I can cause others to do what I want...but I can tell them what I want...what I wish for...and what I would be willing to give in return....and isn't that where the real power lies...opening yourself up again and again...so that you don't lose.  If the other person walks away..it really is their choice...their loss...

Isn't that what life is really all about....the ultimate do over....the promise of another chance...the promise that you don't have to be perfect...that you can sing loudly and horribly...or dance and fall down...or love again and again and again...and there is no finite number.

I am not perfect...I grumble under my breath...I roll my eyes...I drag my feet....but never again will I keep silent caring about another person....never again will I not take a chance on love...never again will I not try something out of fear that I may fail....I am supposed to fall on my face...so that I can do it again...I wasn't meant to be perfect...or a cookie cutter person...or safe....I was meant to live wildly and wonderfully and go back and "do over" until I feel no regret....

I will live as if I only had one day.....

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Running On Empty...

One thing I have learned over the years is that my body will tell me if I am beyond my capacity...if I am pushing too hard to do too much...I try to not listen...I will continue like a freight train and "make" things happen.  But, it appears that my body has shut me down for a couple of days.  Two straight days of blinding migraines...which I haven't had in...well I don't know how long...have laid me flat.  I almost passed on posting the blog....but I figure what I'm doing is just as much about the non brilliant days as the insightful ones....

I fear that something much deeper is going on though.  I fear that I am truly running on empty....that I am at a low point...very low and not admitting it.  It's not supposed to be this way...things are supposed to get better...maybe I'm living in such a rural area that I am really feeling the loneliness.  Maybe everything about my life right now is telling me to move away...to start over somewhere else....Maybe I am tired of having men who are emotionally unavailable, but want to feel that they are connected to me so that I can fill their empty well, contact me at moments when I start to feel at peace with myself.

When I was about four and my mother had taken me away from my grandparents...my grandpa went out and bought me all kinds of things that would stimulate my creativity...a small drum set...guitar...and easel with drawing pad...and a long list of other items because he knew I would have no toys where I was going.  A couple of kids in my new neighborhood caught wind that I had all of these treasures and invited me to come out and play with them...if I brought my toys.  I was elated and gladly dragged all of my toys out to share with them.  They told me to sit on the steps and that I would play the audience...while they performed...that soon it would be my turn.  And...so I did...they played for hours with what belonged to me and I sat and watched.  Each time I asked to have my turn...they said "just one more minute."

One more minute never came...they broke my treasures....grew tired and left me to carry in...crying...all that was left of my used up belongings.  I fixed them and played for years with those broken toys...never complaining.  I am still playing with my used, broken toys...items that have been damaged...or manipulated out of my hands...jobs that I have created that others receive credit for...ideas that didn't have to be stolen..because I shared them in the hope of teamwork.

And now...I'm here in the dating world surrounded by men who don't care about who I am...only will they get me into bed...will I send them naked pictures....will I drive two hours to see them, but leave early enough so they can get a good night sleep....no guilt on their part...no concerns...and I wonder how a woman can maintain her dignity and keep trying to put herself out there or if there is anyone left...

All I know is that I don't know how much more of this I can bare....every part of my being is running on empty....

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Art of Romance....

I like to say the romance comes easy to us all and thanks to the nine billion dollars that are spent every year on movies to show us what romance is...we should be up to out eyeballs in it.  We should all be in love with someone and in the arms of the person who cherishes us most.  But...then again movies like "The English Patient," "Karma Sutra" and "Anna and the King," warn us that love kills...is unrequited...and just beyond our reach.

So, what does one do when you meet someone who makes you feel different...someone who...for some inexplicable reason...leaves you giddy and a bit breathless...is it just another pretend panic attack or is it a sign that maybe they are someone special in your life...someone to be acknowledged and pursued...in a non stalking way.

What if they think they are attracted to you because they are lonely and they don't know it yet...all the while you are developing stronger feelings and seeing this as a blossoming relationship.  What if you don't believe that anyone will ever love you...that the closest you'll get to love is someone putting you on a pedestal...assuming that someone else really amazing will come along for you and it couldn't possibly be them.  

When did love become so complicated?  What happened to a handful of wildflowers?....a note on your pillow?  a pebble tapping your window, so that your love can climb to the window and kiss you one last time for the night.  What happened to kissing in the rain?...meeting someone at the door to welcome them home...or cooking a meal together...brushing up against one another...standing so close to the other person that you can smell their hair or the nape of their neck...

What happened to saying, "Are you alright?" or "You look beautiful" or "So handsome."  What happened to "don't worry....it will be ok..." even if it won't or it's not that simple.  What happened to having your lover brush that unruly hair out of your eyes and touch the side of you face....What happened to laughing at each other just for the sake of laughing...giggling in the night...nose to nose...looking into each other's eyes...wasting film in a camera to take silly pictures of each other and writing in lipstick on the mirror that you will be thinking of them all day?

When I want to learn something new or strengthen my skills...I take a class...like art...I can't just sit down and drawn the Sistine Chapel or even a piece of fruit...but if I take classes...if I practice...make mistakes...break pencils...I will eventually created something that will make me proud....but there are no classes for what I want...there really aren't books that will give all the answers or even some of them.  So, what do I do...do I wait...do I restrain my desire to bulldoze a situation...do I give up hope...do I hope like a dreamer...only to one day die alone...

I fear that I am no artist...love eludes me...and therefore I must misunderstand the art of romance...

Falling Asleep on the Job...

Exhaustion finally got the best of me...I thought I'd just lay down for a bit...just rest my eyes and sleep completely overtook me...a bit of a parallel to my life...I've turned living into a job...constantly on watch for fear that if I let my guard down...I will have failed in my responsibilities....I don't even know what those responsibilities are anymore.  And I couldn't keep going....I drifted off to sleep...

Then I have to ask...what are my responsibilities?...why do I equate living to responsibilities?  I'm not talking about doing the laundry...washing the dishes and ordering my cats around...I'm talking about the day in and out...about what most people do for enjoyment and I have turned into employment.

Each day is filled with a list of what "has" to be done.  Although my "tasks" give me a sense of satisfaction, I often feel nothing more than just that...I wonder when it was that I last felt sheer pleasure...enjoyment just for the sake of enjoyment...the peacefulness that comes from starting something and following it to completion...not even stopping to think about all the details...the structure...the "to-do" list.  Or have I ever actually felt that....

I wonder if I am capable of doing this...I wonder if I've ever done it...I see pictures of myself at certain moments, and I think...I must have just enjoyed that moment because I don't remember everything that happened.  Today...a person I was training to do my job...asked how I remember everything I do...all the facts and figures and I replied, "I always want to be one step ahead of the game."  But...I thought about it tonight...if I'm one step ahead of the game...I'm not playing it...I'm not enjoying it...I'm not really risking anything...

Then the guilt sets in...if I let my guard down...I might drift to sleep and miss it completely...or maybe that's what I've needed for so long...to drift away...stop worrying...stop trying to be the quarterback in a game that was just supposed to be flag football on a Sunday afternoon with friends.  Maybe it's time to put down my gun....let my head fall back ....my eyes close...and give someone else the wheel...

Maybe I just need rest...release...to rejuvenate and not fear so much that I am falling asleep on the job...

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I am Afraid to Ask....

In a time when we want to know everything and can find out in a moment's notice...we ask how many calories are in that serving....will these jeans make me look fat?...are these products animal tested?...what's the better bargain?....what should I watch on TV?...should I wait until the movie comes out on HBO?....which direction will get me there the fastest?.....we ask...ask...ask...ask...and then we ask again...

In the work I do, the running joke is that for every situation I find my client in, I will ask how things can be done differently.....have all avenues been explored?...what's the next step?...was that really necessary?  I just went to Home Depot and made the poor guy explain everything about every type of flooring and ...then...pull out his calculator to figure out the best price per square footage....He found it oddly charming...we laughed a lot and I went home with the best choice for my money and he was no worse for the wear....

So...if I can do all of that....why do I find it nearly impossible to ask for what I really want in a partner?  I mean...I long for partnership...not because I'm lonely...but I enjoy sharing life with someone...I loved coming home to someone...sharing my day...laughing over dinner...and I even remember the times that I was looked at with desire...that someone thought I was beautiful and funny and talented...and that I thought they were brilliant and warm and loving....I want that again...but I want it to be lasting this time.

I'm afraid that doesn't exist for me...I'm painfully afraid that the truth of my life will be how successful I am in making a difference in other's lives and that I will come home to myself....that everyone will perceive me as this woman who...surely...has someone in her life that cannot wait to hold her in their arms and that will never happen for me again...

I have asked for so much in my life...to escape my childhood...to survive all that happened to me...to be more...much more than I was raised to be...to become a person who does not personify all the pain and trauma that I have experienced...that I would create and be a part of things that would help others...that I would be able to take care of myself...not needing to have someone there, because I can survive on my own...I've even learned how to go about having children..through adoption...if I so choose...

I have an education and am moving toward increasing that education, while still helping others....I want a home...and I will have it in a few years...I have friends who don't just put up with me...but care for and about me...I am writing and can already see that unfolding into whatever I might choose....and I want a RAV 4...blue...and I'll get that too...I am almost overwhelmed with all that I have achieved in the face and words of those who swore that I would be nothing....I learned and know how to ask for all of this....I have asked for all of this....I am a statistic that breaks all the molds....and yet their is one thing I long for that I have no mold...no idea of how to create one...how to help shape this being into existence...who might love me for all the beautiful facets of who I am ....flawed and unpolished in some ways but with an unmistakable cut that alludes to my great value....

I want them to want me for all of that and not because I am flawed...not so that I can make them feel better about themselves by pointing out all of my failings....but, that they don't feel the need to question flaws because we all have them....I want to be able to see me...reflected in their eyes and still recognize myself....But, what if my requests are all used up....what if I have asked for too much...pushed that envelope much farther than ever imagined...

And what does it matter...it is for all of this...that I am afraid to ask...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

What Will be my Legacy....

I feel it today...the aloneness...the loneliness...there is nothing in particular that I can do about it...it is natural...that doesn't make it feel better though.  I won't die...I won't feel like this forever... or even tomorrow...but for the moment...I feel it it...it makes me feel colder...less brilliant...less than ordinary...invisible and minuscule in the grand scheme of life....

I don't believe I fully understood this feeling until I was about ten.  I always had a sense that I was standing outside of a house looking in immense picture windows...watching someone else's life...imagining what they must be laughing about or sharing or doing; but, it was my mother who created the indelible image for me of what those feelings and fears were...

Her words of wisdom always came at times when I felt I had achieved something important in my young life.  The pleasure I was feeling...at that moment...was irrelevant...but she sat me down at the table and placed a glass of water in front of me..."This glass of water represents the world...all of life....Now, place your finger in the middle of the water..."  I did...unsure of what repercussions would result in my actions..."Do you see how your finger takes up space...how the water moves away from your finger to make room for you?"  I felt...for a brief moment...the ability to affect things.

"Now...remove your finger slowly.  See how the water closes up the space where your finger once was placed?  Completely remove your finger....see how the water has filled up all of that space your finger made?  That's the affect you have on life...that's how much you mean....when you are gone...no one will ever know you were here...no one will care.  The world will just fill up that space that you think you fill now.  You are nothing...you will never affect anything."

The weight that I felt in my heart and the choices I have made from that moment have had everything to do with that glass of water...I am constantly trying to affect everything...to make a difference...to cause change...not so that I win the Nobel Peace Prize but so that my life will have meant something.  Not being able to have children....failed marriage....no hometown....no family...who will remember me when I am gone?  Will someone's...anyone's life be alter in a positive way because I existed?

Every year watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and I cry...this year I couldn't watch it....I couldn't think that maybe I am slowly disappearing.  I am planning my living will and purchasing life insurance...I'm putting together pictures ...so that someone will know who I am...who I was...not because I feel sorry for myself or I am afraid...but because if I don't speak for myself...who will?  This is such a painful and important question to ask...and if I don't ask..no one will ...it's not their job to live my life....to speak for my life...

It is not someone else's job to know that I love wildflowers, not roses...I love tulips because they come back every year or marigolds because they are strong and can weather anything...that I love my cats sleeping on my head or that I love children and am obsessed with the Tudor family...that I dream of visiting Scotland...that I write all the time...I even write in my dreams...that I often know when things are going to happen to people and that I don't say anything because it's not my place to interfere...that I save birds all the time...that I adore the piano and guitar and am a less than a mediocre musician but have a beautiful singing voice that I rarely use...that I love to photograph but hate to have my own picture taken and that I see myself as quite average but will work day and night to earn the belief that anyone has in my abilities...that I believed in Santa Claus until I was eleven and that I love wedding cake with butter-creme frosting...that I'm not afraid of snakes..but can be stopped dead in my tracks by a small spider...and that if someone imitates what I do I will laugh until I cry and if I hurt someone I will spend the rest of my life trying to forgive myself...

I am not more special than anyone else...but I exist...I am more than a finger in a glass of water.  I will only disappear if I choose to and in the end...it is my choice what my legacy will be....

What You Do...

I learned at a very early age that my mother could not be trusted...trusted for her personal decisions and for the choices she would make about me.  I learned that she would choose anyone over me and that she was willing to use me as bait to "catch" her men.  For my mother....life was a great fishing expedition and...ironically...she called me her "nasty worm."  I was of no consequence to her and only a means to an end....

As I aged...I found that many of my most painful experiences came from women in my life and it was through men that I found some semblance of control...even if it was through the use of my body.  But, women were this impenetrable force...void of feeling...jealous...vicious...cruel and not to be trusted.  And...I grew to be terrified of them.  You can only imagine the challenges this presented as I tried to develop friendships or connect with my teachers.  While other girls were braiding each other's hair and telling secrets, I was collecting worms with the boys....pushing girls down and all the while wanting desperately to have someone see through my facade of fear.

When I did open myself to another female...it was always a trap...as I had become a victim to my own issues with the Medea in my life.  As I craved and sought my mother's love...she saw my need as weakness and exploited everything about me...until I most often felt there was nothing left for me to give.  As I grew older and began to meet the mother's of young men I dated...I responded in terror which presented as distant aloofness. The few mothers that saw me for the wonderfully flawed young woman I had become, were eventually lost to me because their son's were not worth any effort.  So...I had reached a period of loss or permanent loss...if it wasn't one painful experience it was another.....and...then one day it struck me...I hated my mother...and worse still...I hated women.

There was an awkward peace that came with this realization and I became almost comfortable with the panic attacks that welled up within me each time I dealt with a new woman, in my life.  I didn't verbalize it...because every day was filled with women whom I had to interact and pretend to enjoy.  I had no real friends and the ones I did have were so damaged that I felt safe with the upper hand.  Until the day..the one day...as I raged silently about these female beasts...creatures who rose up to ruin everything in their path and who were a direct threat to everything about me...I looked in the mirror and there I was...a woman.

How could I hate these woman and not condemn myself?  Where did I fit?  How could I look just like my ghosts...my demons...my Antichrists and see any redemption in me?  I couldn't...I hated myself for being condemned to be condemned....I hated that I might destroy others around me with viciousness and jealousy....I hated me....

I am still working on this...trying to find my balance...to not fear each woman as she enters my life and each day becomes easier...because it is not who you resemble or who you represent ...in everything...you are not the visual...the being representing a certain sex...you are what you do...

Monday, February 6, 2012

I Don't Want....

I was eight when I first spoke out angrily about what I didn't want.  My mother had sat crying beside me on my bed, as she begged me to be "nicer" to the man she was married to...that I should just "understand" that his beating me in my sleep was only because he loved me and wanted me to be better.  She sobbed as she explained that I should "love" him more or he would leave, and she hit me when I told her that she was weak.  When she left me alone and bruised physically and emotionally in my room, I clenched my fists and my teeth as I growled, spit spraying from my lips..." I don't want be her.  I don't want to be a weak woman.  No one will ever break me down."  I'm not sure what eight year old does this, but I did...and it changed everything for me.

My entire childhood was filled with mental and physical lists of "I don't want..." and as an adult, those lists have grown so long and engulfing that I can barely see the light of day.  Since I have started this blog, I have been asked by many what it is that I do want....and my answer...I don't know...I don't know what I want...and quite frankly...I'm afraid to ask....What if I ask for something and it's coming from a strictly emotional place?  What if I ask for something and I get it ...and I don't know what to do with it?  I asked for my ex-husband and he cheated on me...did I fail by not including.."I want someone who makes pancakes, has blue eyes and won't cheat on me..."?  I don't know....Honestly...I only know how to state what I don't want...and...when I do have a moment of clarity and say clearly and with an open heart..."I want...."...I get it...Lord help me.

Here's what I do know....I want to be a writer...not just of grants or letters that help other people or even just this blog...I want to be published...I want to make part of my living from sharing my ideas and dreams with others.  I want a website that shares information with the ex offender population and their families...real information...that connects them with people who can help and include a forum where they can ask questions and share answers and ideas.  I want to write a screenplay about working with the population that has chosen me and about their stories...mixed with mine...and, I want to teach...I want to work with students and watch them grow and debate and question and turn in their homework late for no good reason....

Yes...I want to grow my hair long...I want it down to my elbows...in my way....with all of its' curls and unruliness...just like me...pushy and unruly...Yes...I want to have my braces off my teeth...Braces in your 40's are not hot...they should be called Hot Pockets, because they hold a mixture of ingredients that you will eat as a snack later...even after you have water piked and brushed your teeth...And...I want to loose ten more pounds...although the French Silk pie I just ate will not help that endeavor...and is now stuck in my braces.

Lastly...I want to experience love with a person that worships my unruly hair...thinks the food stuck in my braces is adorable and offers to spoon feed me French Silk pie, while I drink diet Pepsi with it, but supports my need to work out like an idiot afterwards.  I don't care how old they are... but I would prefer to have someone in my life young enough to not be a grandfather candidate...No matter what age they are...I want them to not be afraid to love...openly...honestly...faithfully and simply....because I want to do the same....and I haven't for most of my life...

In all...I want to begin wanting things...everything...and I want to keep going....and going...and going...From this moment forward...it will be about what I want...not what I don't want....

Sunday, February 5, 2012

What Lies Beneath....

Last summer, I made a deal with my good friend to fix up her house in exchange for lower rent and a project that would keep me busy and distracted from my own life...The house needs work...lots of it...mostly cosmetic...but it needs some definite elbow grease.  I've been chipping away at things since November and I have my list of projects...prioritized...of course, because I'm a bit OCD about completing "missions."  I tend to scrape off the top of whatever I'm working on and look at what is underneath before I line up my paint cans and scrub brushes.

Of all the rooms that I have avoided...it is the kitchen, my usual favorite room, that I have left untouched....I trip over things...refuse to walk barefoot and look at the same crooked window every day with the same corpse of a wasp hanging there. I love food and have resorted to eating baked beans and sausage microwaved.  I've used all of my plastic utensils and run out of paper plates....And...although I love to cook...I have created no dishes or baked any breads...only preheated hot dogs and eaten yogurt with granola.  Even my nine pound bag of oatmeal is gone.  I have been avoiding the one room that always gives me great pleasure and I don't know why....

Last night after two cups of coffee and a glass of wine (there is no meaning behind the mixture...I think it was all I could reach)....I tried to close the pantry door and it stuck for the millionth time.  In my anger and frustration...I reached down...grabbed the edge of the linoleum and pulled...no yanked...and fell backwards as the old tiles peeled away from the floor like paper.

I knew that I would be sorry I had acted in anger and that stripping the worn...tired top layer would only reveal more damage.  Instead....there it was...this beautiful floor...not breathtaking...but untouched by all of the dirt...grime...scuffs....cuts and abuse of those who had come before me....before my friend....It was almost as if what lie hidden was just waiting for me...for anyone to let the sun in and let it breath.  

Of course...I couldn't just let the newly exposed floor just lie there...suddenly the walls needed the same freshness.  The counters needed bleaching and the crooked window needed to be straightened...allowed to sit dignified again with the wasp corpse put to rest.  And...if I just wiped the window clean and maybe put some plants in the sill and scrubbed the sinks.  And...after all...the window did deserve curtains to freshen up the room.

I doubt anyone walking into the room today would burst into tears for the beauty of it...but it was a kitchen again...dressed up, recognizable...ready to be used for the purpose it was meant for....a multitude of possibilities lie before it and soon someone will live in this house and love this room for all the right reasons...because it will be ready.

Much like me...once I uncover all that has been buried for all of these years....I will be ready again, once I release... what lies beneath....

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Wearing my Uncomfortable Clothes....

As I sit here in my baggy sweats...hair piled on top of my head...no make-up...and glasses on...I feel safe.  No one can see me...no one has to care...and I don't have to care that they don't care.  I'm in my own personal space...and it's already been established that my cats are not phased by my appearance or behavior.  I realize though that I have spent most of my life being uncomfortable once I walked outside my door.  I have been uncomfortable in my own skin.  I have been uncomfortable in all of my relationships....because I have lived in fear...

One would think that my early life created my fears...but I'm not so sure.  I have always been afraid that people would discover who I am or how I think or what I come from...I have given up great things in my life for fear that someone would find out the truths of me...Yet...even as I say this...I wonder what it is that is so scary about me that I should hide it...there are no bodies in my basement...my kitchen isn't a meth lab...I don't sell children into slavery or skin puppies and kittens...What I have done is bottle up everything about myself so that when I do enter a new relationship and we are alone...I spill my guts....I talk about all the things that I never talk about...and I overwhelm the other person with...me.

I went to a counselor for a year, at one point in my life, and it was like receiving therapy from Celine Dion.  Not only was she French Canadian, but I never worked through anything because her only concern was that  my heart would go on....that I "trust" her...that I believe she would think about me on her vacation and that I make sure to write out my check at the beginning of our session.  I believe we focused on her fears instead of mine.

About three years ago...I was contacted through classmates.com by the man who assault me when I was seventeen and I panicked....went into a state of shock and my husband said to me, "I thought you were over this.  Didn't you say you went to counseling?"  I believe we were focusing on his fears instead of mine.

As I have been writing...some of the responses I have received have alluded to my reasoning for putting everything "out there"...or back peddling about the fact that they aren't really afraid about what they admitted to me...in the past...they just saw it as an inevitability...they were just being realistic.  I believe they were focusing on not admitting having fears like mine.

You know...it's all bullshit...excuse my bluntness...At night...when we are all alone...and the only thing we can hear is the pounding of our own heart...we all fear something...most likely, many things...and what's even more terrifying is to have someone else admit to fear...admit to weakness...When that happens...we don't think about them...we think about ourselves....about how a turn of our head or blink of our eye will betray us...will tell our truths....

My best friend Jackie, who passed a year ago, used to tell me "never, under any circumstances, let them see you sweat"....and I didn't....I haven't and it hasn't saved me...And, I believe that where ever Jackie is right now...she knows that what I am doing now is braver than anything I've ever done in my life....and that I am blossoming because of it....

This journey is freeing me...allowing me to talk with others about things...other than myself...because that is already taking care of....I don't care who reads this...or what they think...as long as they think...they can dress how they want...speak their mind how they wish...like what I say or dislike it...as long as they feel something...something real...on their terms...because I'm going to do the same...every day...

I may be wearing loose clothing at this moment, when I write...and I may not have a shred of makeup on...but I can tell you...in my life....until the day I die...I will live authentically....never again will I be caught wearing my uncomfortable clothes....

Friday, February 3, 2012

My Greatest Fear....

Someone I love very much shared with me their greatest fear...that they would die alone...in a cold room...no one by their side.  I listened...told them I would be there for them...if they let me...it was a platitude...a hollow response to a very deep and painful fear....this is what I should have said...

I no what you speak of....Everyone has fears...great...deep...painful fears.  Some of us believe we will die a horrible death...act of God...natural disaster...a vicious murder.  I fear none of those things.  For much of my life, I have envied those who have died...they looked so peaceful in death...they no longer worried...feared...or hurt and I wanted that too.  I wanted to close my eyes...in whatever way possible...never to open them again....and never feel again.  One day that stopped for me and I wanted to live...I just didn't know how...

Then I began to attempt living....I stumbled around....grasping at anything in my path to hold myself up and move forward.  As I learned to walk and then run....I thought I had escaped everything about myself and I was far from all that I feared...and I feared less and less...

In my marriage, I felt that everything was addressed...all my fears were no longer needed.  As my marriage crumbled...I could have feared so much...I hurt...but I had hurt before...I was angry...but I had been angry before....I felt lonely...but I had felt lonely before....except for one fear.  It slowly grew in my belly and threatened to escape my lips so many times...At times, I would be talking with a friend and I wanted to grab then and shake them and tell them of my terror.

Throughout my life...people have slipped through my fingers like fine grains of sand and the more that I squeezed my hands tight...the faster they slipped away.  Each day I get older and as I feel the aging aches of my bones...watch my skin loosen and the smile lines deepen...I am forced to face it...to look it square in the face....and though I feel the quaking in every fiber of my frail human form....there is no escape...Each day I reach out...hoping that I will have some effect on my own life...this unfolding story that I fear has already decided my ending.

Yesterday...I spoke to a friend and asked her to hold an envelope that would contain all of my last wishes...pictures that speak to who I am...all the things that I love or have loved and what I hope my last moments would be....because there is no one to speak for me...there is no one to write about who I was...no one to know where my pictures are....how I wear my hair....how I hold my hands...how I laughed....

I would be there for you...I would stop everything and run to your side...I would speak for you the very best I could...I would try to say the things that you might never say for yourself....but I feel that I will likely die alone...no one will be there...I don't fear death....but looking around me and no one being at my side is painful to imagine...

I am so terribly sorry that I failed to tell you that you are not alone....I am sorry that I didn't share with you that what you said shook me to the core, because I had never heard my thoughts come from someone else's lips...I failed you...and myself....What you feel is real...as it is for me...there is nothing I can say to make you feel differently...I wish I could....I hope we are both wrong...

Of all the things that could cause me to clutch myself in the night....it is dying alone in a cold room that is my greatest fear.....

Thursday, February 2, 2012

With this Risk I Would Thee Wed...

Several years ago, against everything in my mind and body that keeps me safe....I leaped from a plane at 10,000 feet...and floated to the ground under a parachute that could have collapsed or torn or pulled me off course...it was a huge risk...and one that I needed to do...even though I saw it as needless.  Why would one put their life at risk, just to have an experience?...

Finally...it happened...the question that I was dreading and knew was coming...Do you think you will ever marry again?  My answer...I don't know.  How could I know?  I understand the question fully...all of the implications and I also understand that each day alone...I run the risk of having no one in my life that I share the deep intimacy of commitment.

I spoke today, to a group of students and was asked, "What would you say if someone said this........?"  And, to that question I said..."I don't know.  What would you say?"   There was a long silence...because...if you are living authentically...without preconceived ideas...you don't know, until it happens...if it happens.  "But wouldn't you be risking being unprepared?"  I responded..."But, wouldn't you be risking...anyway...that you still weren't prepared because they asked the question in a way you hadn't imagined?"

So much of my live...for survival's sake...has been about having specific answers and responses to specific events.  But...for the purpose of just living life...which is not about survival...you can never know exactly what you will do and neither do I anymore...And, is a choice any less of a risk just because it doesn't feel like one?  Isn't everything a risk...especially when we love?  Don't we risk that they might not love us as much as we love them?  Isn't possible that one of us will love unconditionally and the other will love us as long as we _____________?  And...isn't probable that we might both love with great capacity and that one of us might die?  The mathematical equations of love are endless and each one carries it's own risk.

Although my fears tell me that I might be alone for the rest of my life....that no one will love me the way that I hope or feel that I need...that I might die alone...no one at my bedside...I do not feel that risk is worth racing out and "falling in love" with the first decent person that comes along..the risks that are birthed in the wake of impulsive decisions are greater than the risk that I might live an authentic life taking risks based on the  person I should trust most...myself.

So...in the end my answer to "Do I think I will ever marry again?" ...I would say yes to taking a risk on someone else that I might love and feel peace and passion with...if that happens...not because I'm searching..but because we fit like two pieces of a greater puzzle...no forcing things to work...no girlish dreaming ...no pressure from society or acquaintances...and no unrealistic expectations.  Although...this may sound dry and boring...there is nothing manufactured or cookie cutter about this....as with everything...there is still the risk...

In the end...my embracing of risks...keeps me open to the most intimate of risks...and, so...with this risk I would thee wed...

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Other Man...

I can already tell that I have been avoiding talking about this...one of the topics that I don't discuss...too many ruffled feathers...anger....disappointment...and this is from other people.  I've known what I would say...and I've tried to edit...shift and censor...and I can't...I have to be truthful...to myself and to anyone who knows me...so here it goes...

I was eight when I first shook my fists at him and spit angry words from my red faced lips.  I would never be like her and why had he done this to me...what did I do to him...that he would punish me...I hate you...I was ten when I was kicked out of class for debating with my teacher about his existence...Where does he live?...Why does he live there?....Why does he care about that?...If he really cared, why would he let innocent people be murdered and beaten?...Why children?...Why old people?...And at the ripe age of 11...I issued my first challenge...If you care, you'll appear...in front of me and explain....See...I told you so...you don't care...just like everyone else...

At age 12, came indifference....Sure, I'll play the game...whatever...you play games too...everyone is your puppet...just look at me...15 years came the promise...When I am out on my own, I will never go to your house again...17 carried a scream to the heavens...as I begged the other person to stop...and when I discovered that my body was so damaged that I would never be all the things a woman has the right to be...another scream escaped...much more primal...with only two words...Through all of this...he was silent...and for one decade I was too finally...

Then one day...I wrote this....
My Prayer

God-
Help me remember
To bend locked knees for the lives I have lost,
And press together white knuckled hands
To beg for what I needed...
Dear-

God-
Teach me humility,
Bowing in a wake of all consuming desires,
Kissing me to suck out my soul's breath
And leave me weeping in the night...
Oh Jesus-

Christ-
Forgive my clenched teeth,
Locked jaw, dammed truth, drowned escape,
My parched, blistered throat unable to scream,
Lips sealed for your eternity.
Oh God-

Damn-
Clouds that trap words,
And muffle pleading cries meant for you,
To endless days that bind racing nights,
To splintering bones that crackle like a trinity of dried leaves.

I ask this humbly...in my name.

Amen

I'm not sure if he knows who I am...if he has ever heard me...but sometimes in the eyes of those I help...at the moment of their greatest despair...I am sure I catch a glimpse of him.  Or when my cats are gently purring and stretched over my body...I imagine that I hear his voice...And if he spoke to me...he might tell me that he knew I would survive...that I might be great one day...in my voice and deeds...and that his sorrow is deeper than the ocean and vaster than the continents for my short childhood...and all the things that I know because of it.  That he knows innocence cannot help others and knowledge protects the innocence that could be lost....

And...maybe I would forgive him...for now...in my life...he is still the other man...