I'm Falling....

This isn't supposed to happen...I'm not supposed to do this.  I had sworn that I was impervious to this and was convinced that the universe was keeping this from happening...because it was...no matter how I put myself out there....Something always blocked opportunities...and everything turned to dust in my hands...This has been my last year....

I am paring down my life...eliminating waste...throwing out the past and reviewing my life...My garbage can has been filled to the top...my hands dirty and many tears have been shed...Each day I have moved closer to freeing myself from all the things that tie me down...I am packing up my new life and preparing to move toward my future...

I tried the online thing...I tried getting out and meeting people...I tried doing nothing...and then I stopped trying...anything.  I just did my own thing...just moved through the days...just chipped away at my own business...and that is when I met...someone different...someone who I didn't have to try with...someone who is different than anyone I've ever met...someone who I would never have imagined...

After all of the effort...and it finally sat in front of me...I tried to ignore it...I pushed it out of my mind...I pretended...I shut my eyes...and I couldn't make it go away...I carried it around with me...I kept putting it down...trying to leave it and walk away...Each time I turned around...it was right there...

So I let it in...I figured....hey..I'll just try it...I'll just dabble in it...no commitment...no pressure...no biggie...it doesn't really mean anything...nothing will come of it...it won't affect me...it won't affect him...this will pass...and I'll continue on my way...surely this will pass...everything else has passed me by...everyone else has passed me by...passed me up...patted me on the back and waved goodbye...It's been nice knowing you...I'm glad I got to see you one last time...

It's not passing...it's rooting itself...I can't get it out of my mind...I dream about it at night...I think about it all day...and I am peaceful...calm...focused...and still have butterflies...in my stomach and all around....This can't happen...I'm too old...my time has passed...no one could feel this way about me...there is nothing new or fresh about me...or is there?

Oh God...I'm falling...