Saturday, June 23, 2012

I Yam What I Yam...

For some odd reason...I loved watching Popeye when I was a kid...I don't have a predisposition for sailors...It's sort of a boy's cartoon...and Olive Oyle...was not attractive...so...it wasn't my goal to emulate her...but...nevertheless...I was drawn to Popeye...and his ability to commit to action...and never apologize for that commitment...He also ate a lot of spinach...

I liked the way he powered up...for tough situations...That he remained faithful to...well...a woman who had the forced potential to be a wallflower...and he still was not perfect...Let's face it...he lost Sweetpea all the time...Why I remember all of this is beyond me...or maybe not...I march to the beat of my own drum...I only cook with olive oil...I call my cat my little sweetpea...and I eat a lot of spinach too...

So...it seems only logical that I would also never apologize for my commitment to my passions...what I believe in...or believing others...in a way that transcends all adversity...including my own...This past year...has brought me to a place...where I refuse to apologize for my actions...for my weaknesses...and for excelling...in what I do...Popeye never knocked a bad guy for a loop...and then said...oh I'm so sorry for stopping you from making everyone miserable...Spinach or no spinach...he just didn't put up with nonsense...why should I?

Just like Popeye's biceps...I realize that sticking to my guns...makes me stand out...in a way that is not always comfortable...but really...who cares...I often wonder if people find certain behavior uncomfortably real...because they feel that it is a personal statement against them...I wonder if status quo makes others feel satisfied...because someone else going against the grain...might suggest that they are scared...scared of risking...embarrassment...awkwardness...or making mistakes...but then...isn't it a greater mistake to stand still and allow the water to remain calm...

I don't claim to have all the answers...hell...I might be lucky if I have two correct answers...in my lifetime...but the only thing that I will ever apologize for again...in my endeavors...is hurting another person...I will never stop rocking the boat...everyone is invited to the gun show...that I'm sticking by...I'm not sorry for my failures...or my successes...and powering up for my next challenge...is just a can of spinach away...

So...don't like me...don't like my tactics...don't like my creativity...don't like my risk taking...don't like my vulnerability...I like me...I love me...I'm not perfect...and I wouldn't want to be...how boring...and unimaginative...how fascinating life is...with all of it's imperfections and colors...and with all the words to describe my essence...I think Popeye said it best...

I yam what I yam...

Saturday, June 16, 2012

I Now Pronounce You...

Elizabeth I was a striking woman...She had a head of red hair...and a head for business...stubborn...clever tongued and loved to dance...She also had a passion for men...She had within her a romantic heart and deep desires for intimate relationships with male counterparts...She also wanted a child...It was only through her ladies in waiting...that she lived vicariously...often placing them in the path of the very men...she desired herself...

Early in her...well...career...she came to understand that...in order to do great things...she could not have everything...She confronted the piercing...heartbreaking decision that...her weakness for men...would be a weakness in her life...and struggled with the tug of desire versus duty...

Now...there is no doubt in my mind that she attempted to sort through the royal possibilities...on Chivalry.com...and...probably...quite often believed that connection to be dead...She had her share of spending five hours dressing up...putting on her make-up...only to discover that the one who made her heart flutter...did not show up to the ball...or was married...or had syphilis...In any case...she had her share of disappointments...

But...I wonder what it would have been like...to share the day she fell in love...with her country...I wonder...if she looked around...and saw the green trees...soft rain...the glistening water...and the warmth...and strength of the people of the land...and realized she was already being courted...that she had...somehow...found herself in a the greatest relationship...she would ever experience...

I wonder of...the moment she felt her heart swell...in her breast...and her hand slipped into the hand...of a time and land that was all too eager...to love her back...When did she first feel the embrace...of rich culture...or spoon at night...with the deeply rooted...passionate...and pleading place...And...what did she look like...when it knelt...before her and asked for her hand...and she said yes...

I wonder...if it felt anything like I feel...I wonder if she too...stopped feeling lost...I wonder if she too...felt everything slip away...I wonder if she too felt comfort...the first time she laid in its' arms...I wonder if she too...knew she was home...

Some part of me believes she did...I couldn't possibly be the first to gaze...into a dark sky...and see my future...to see my love...my spouse...the one that I have waited for...my entire life...to feel the moist air...kiss my lips...and the breeze stroke my hair...It seems I have loved you...so long...and that I have spent my life...making my way to your arms...And...as you kneel before me...all I can say is yes...yes...yes...

Elizabeth I...awoke one day...and knew that she had said yes too...She found that she could not live without her land...that it would prove to be her greatest love...So it is for me...and the Mississippi Delta...I give you my hand...offer myself to you...and promise to be faithful...in sickness...and in health...for richer...for poorer...till death do us part...And...as I drift off to sleep...I believe I hear the stars saying...

I now pronounce you...

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I'll Racist You to the Finish Line...

I was on the phone...speaking with someone who was interested in dating me...We had spoken several times...I told him what I do for a living...check...I am passionate about helping people...check...I believe in all people...check...in the goodness and brilliance...that we all possess...check...and then the question came at me...from left field...Do you socialize with them?...Them who?...You know...them...I didn't know what he was asking....

Several vague...but adamant questions later...I began to make my deductions...as to what he was asking...Do I socialize with anyone who isn't white?...My answer...without thought...Who do you think you are...to even ask that question?  But...beyond telling him that I wasn't interested in speaking with him again...I didn't know what to say...

This happened several weeks ago...and I think about this all the time...I had to ask myself...if I had said enough...if I had a responsibility to do more...I'm color blind...and I have no family...so I haven't found myself in situations where I've been asked to make decisions that eliminate anyone from my life...But...I had to ask myself if that was a blessing or a curse...

I was accused of not having a stance on anything...that I had no value system...and I feel that I do...should I be doing more?  Somehow...I felt guilty...somewhere deep inside...that I had...by not having to deal with racism...in my own life...had somehow sidestepped important issues...had bypassed taking a stand...and this has weighed heavy on my heart...

I began to think about all of the people who had made racist jokes around me...or side comments...or bold...negative statements...and I knew that I hadn't stepped up to the plate...and made a solid stand...I had silently given a disapproving look...or just walked away...And I had to ask...was that really enough?

I feel that I have failed...in some way...to wear my color blindness as a badge of honor...I'm seeing that now...as I argue and debate...over the topics that will be talked about in my future classes...I see that I owe my students...unwavering courage in talking about tough topics...allowing them to ask tough questions of me...and that my family will be one of many colors...and I should defend my family...Just being color blind is not enough...It can't be my excuse...I am too old and too experienced to be naive...

So...I begin now...there is nothing more beautiful than a smiling face...yesterday...I made an African American man blush a lovely crimson...today...I held a Hispanic woman's hand...next week I will teach round...smiling faces that don't have to use the same SPF as I...I can tell you...that many of my most wonderful friends...have amazing cocoa skin...that I would give anything to have...and not one of my friends...no matter what their pigmentation...is less amazing than the other...I am only too grateful that I have not been judged by my hair...or my weight...or my smile...or my learning disability...by them...

Bigotry is a problem...it's a disease...a disease of the mind...You would think that we would be tired of it...worn out to the core...all this running in fear...running in packs...running over this issue...Life is not about this sort of race...It can't be won...by anyone...and quite frankly...it's getting a little old having some one turn to me and say....

I'll racist you to the finish line...

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Make Way for the OG....

Everything is a choice...I know that...There is a fine line between excitement and fear...I know that too...I also know that there is nothing that makes you feel old more than a young person asking you old people questions...except a lot of people...in your age bracket...calling themselves old...and including you...I don't like it...

Fact...I'm 44 years old...and I lost my husband to a twenty something...who isn't even with him anymore...Fact...I'm in that age bracket...where my choices are young men...who tell me I'm a cougar...whatever that is...or...men who are twenty years older...who want to feel young...with a younger woman...Either way...I feel used...I don't like it...

Yesterday...I was asked if one of my new cohorts was my daughter...It was funny...and...it was heartbreaking...I could be her mother...I'd be a cool mom...but I'm not a mom...I'm a single woman...who struggles...periodically...to not feel displaced...I don't like it...

This morning...at breakfast...I sat with some ladies...who are within a decade of my age...and suggested that we come up with a club name for our...well...team...How about  Old People group?...How about Old this?...Old that?...By the time we were finished...I did feel old...and tired...tired of being considered in that category...I don't like it...

I don't feel old...I don't look old...well...I guess I do sometimes?...I have no idea...I actually can't decide if I am lying to myself...or if all people feel like this...at this age...I suppose I could bust butt...and work on myself more...so that I look younger...But then...isn't that saying that I am old?  Isn't that me...giving in?...I don't like it...

Here's the deal...I don't mind getting older...I like that...I enjoy aging...I've earned these years...but I am highly resistant to the idea of considering myself old...because I'm not...not in my mind...not in my body...not in my energy...not in my ideas...not in my dreams...Doesn't that count for something?...I believe it does...It really is in your mind...youth or agedness...I choose youth forever...you belly laugh more...you let your hair down...you can feel the wind...and enjoy it...So...I've chosen my acronym...I worked in prisons...I've earned this...I'm down with being respected...without being an Old Gal...

Make way for the OG...Original Gangsta'...


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Slight Chance of Showers...

So...I'm here...in Cleveland, Mississippi...and I arrived last night...It was pouring...I don't mean drizzle...I don't mean intermittent...I mean coming down like cats and dogs...I'm talking about driving through potential wakes...I'm talking about rain that exemplified my past week...

As I steered my car through the town...after dark...I wondered if Noah had experienced life quite the same way...Did he race around...trying to pack up...paying last minute bills...and attempting to sell his log treadmill...at the last minute?...Probably...Did he start by packing the ark neatly...with forethought and planning...and then shove the last two Zebras on top of the rest of the animals...in a last minute ditch effort...to not leave them behind?  Probably...Did he pack random food improperly...and then leave it in the hot sun...after the rain?  I pretty sure he did...

I'm quite positive that after the heavy rains stopped...both Noah and I made the wise choice...to sleep in a local hotel...and set out the next morning...Now...I'm wondering if Noah got lost in the one square mile from the...hotel/hut?   Would he have had to stop at...five...count them...five different places...until he found the large university campus...where he was to register...?  Hmmm...tough one...

Now...when Noah...hit dry land...did he discover that his name was listed incorrectly...everywhere?...This is where Noah and I...are clearly on different arks...He never had to take someone else's name...and then give it back...and then change all documentation...every minute of every day...And...so it was...for me...not Noah...today...My married last name was on all documentation...and in a 15 minute span...I had to tell 15 people that my name was Sjoberg...but not Sjoberg...and that I had divorced...so my name was different now...Sjoberg...that's S-J-O-B-E-R-G...Sjoberg...that's S-J-O...

I could feel it...in the back of my eyes...

Only the day before...while moving through the pouring rain...I had received a message from someone...a man...telling me that I was lacking...that I was lost...that I needed a man to guide me...that I was too headstrong...and that if I kept it up...no man would ever want me...and I would remain lost...and adrift...

Today...I repeated over and over...I'm divorced...my last name isn't Sjoberg anymore...All the twenty something faces...looked at me in confusion and bewilderment...They only had dreams of marrying Mr. Right or Ms. Right...and when they married...there would be the two of them on the ark...forever...

As I walked to the next building...to have my ID completed...I felt it again...in the back of my eyes...

I felt lost...adrift...and that I was lacking...I felt old...out of place...alone...surrounded by a multitude of faces...eager for life...untouched by the pain of being left...discarded...disposed of...and labeled...I was that lone llama...whose mate couldn't be found...who sat in a makeshift cage...bedded down alone...who would eventually wander alone...in a strange new territory...once landed...and watch others walk away two by two....

And then it came....after months of preparation...selling everything...dragging myself through the days...and pushing myself to do...just one thing more...to drive one mile more...even in the rain...the surge hit...in the bright sun...a tidal wave...of tears...and I sat in the middle of the campus...and cried...I believe since the day he walked out...it was in the forecast...Everyone said it would happen....They were calling...

For a slight chance of showers....