I have an admission of guilt...I blew up yesterday...I mean blew it all sky high...a miscommunication...a missed call...missing each other....and I went left. I take full responsibility for it and I'm not proud of myself...He was upset...then quiet...then consoled me...He wasn't wrong...I was...I decided that the confusion meant he was lying and cheating...that he was using me...as I have experienced over and over...so much that my emotional psyche is wrecked...not dented...as I would like to believe...but wrecked...and so I turned yesterday into a train wreck...
I'm not going to make excuses for my actions...I'm a adult...I need to work through it but fast...so that I don't lose something amazing in my life...but I'm going to tell something...I'm going to tell you what cheating on someone who cares about you does...For those that are reading and have done this...please take it to heart...and for those that have been on the receiving end...I'm sorry...so sorry that you were left to lick your wounds and pick up the pieces of your own broken heart...
When you cross the line of intimacy behind the back of someone who loves you...you are a coward...you don't have the courage to ask for what you want...a divorce...understanding...more sex...kids...no kids...I'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt or a series of excuses...There are no excuses for abusing the trust and a person's ability to believe in others...especially if they love you...
So...it's difficult...You hit a rough patch...You look in the mirror and see your hair falling out...or that you have a spare tire...Guess what...it's not the other person's fault that time marches on...that you are getting older or that you don't take showers...that you don't brush your teeth and they got yellow...It's not the other person's fault that you wish you were 25 again...Nobody respects the old bearded man at the kegger...or the older woman jacking her boobs up and catting around with the young guys who haven't had all their chest hair grow in yet...You look like a fool...and sad...
While that person who loves you is home...cleaning...cooking...waiting for you to come home or call...or love them again...and you are scamming and planning to regain your lost youth...or your confidence...or "freedom"...you are also damning yourself and everyone around you....Your family has to shuffle around embarrassed by your actions...and you abuse their unconditional love...younger people around you nod their heads and say "yes...see marriage doesn't last...people weren't meant to be faithful..." Your greatest statement is that you are no different than a dog in heat or rabbits in the same vicinity...You are saying "I have no intellect...I am no better than an animal"...and you have crossed a line that you will most likely cross again...
And that person waiting up for you...asking who's long hair is in the dryer...You squash their ability to believe in others...You squash their ability to dream...You squash their ability to trust another person...or to allow anyone to remain in their life...because it's just too dangerous...You wreck them purposely...You hurt their soul...with your soulessness...You squash all that is good about yourself and the other person...and all the chewing and swallowing in the world won't make your damage go away....and all the scraping and shoveling of all that squash won't make the other person heal fast...They are stuck starting that garden over the next year and it may take a couple years before good things grow again...Let's face it...while the other person is trying to regrow what you wrecked...
You are really are just a cheater...cheater...pumpkin eater..
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