Over the past few months...my relationships with men have changed dramatically...for the better. I have begun to carry over the honesty that I use in my work to the relationship building that I have been developing with the men in my life. I have always had a many male friends...and most of them...have been my longest friendships...they are my brothers...the brothers that I never had...I turn to them for plain talk...great belly laughs...jokes and quotes that can be used forever and to help me "get over" myself. There is a natural male trait to not take yourself to seriously and to move past things without over analyzing that I find to be very healthy. So...I've worked hard to begin practicing this in my more intimate relationships....
Of course...the timing is not right for me...now...to have a really intimate relationship with a man...beyond the divorce...there simply isn't enough time in my current life plan...and I see that...I'm not in a rush to "make" anything happen...not to mention...the universe has it's own plans for me and it will not allow anything to happen to disrupt the flow of events....
Now...this doesn't mean that I haven't received my fair share of offers for a roll in the....um...hay...and...I've accepted a few...and it only took a few for me to realize that was not what I was looking for...I'm a relationship person...I don't want a string of one night stands...So...here I am at a time in my life when I could fill my weeks and weekends with...um...games and I don't want it...but there are things that I miss terribly....
My ex was...if nothing else...affectionate...um...a cuddle bunny...Yes...he was a snuggler in bed...on the couch...on the floor...it really was the only time that he made me feel that everything was okay...that I was taken care of...and I was always thankful to be held...it just happened to be his arms. Now that he is gone...I don't miss him...I miss being held...it doesn't happen anymore...No one pulls me close...strokes my hair...touches my cheek and lets me put my head on his chest...my bed is very cold sometimes...I just can't get warm...
During this time of reconstruction and repair...I have become friends with several men that I had hoped would be more...and like I said the timing wasn't right...So..I used my newly practiced skills in talking frankly with these men and we decided that we could be friends...very good friends...sharing intimate accounts of what we were going through...each of us...make each other laugh...call each other to check on how our days were passing and to be there for the those moments when tender intimacy was most needed...I'm not talking about sex...I'm talking about the intimacy that exists between two people who feel safe enough to not laugh...maybe cry...maybe lay quietly and say nothing at all...but most of all...to hold each other...sometimes through the night....and sleep that deep satisfying sleep that you can only sleep in the arms of someone who cares for your well being...
Last weekend...one of these wonderful men came to my house...we had both had a rough week...and we talked...we shared dinner...laughter...silence and we held each other....all through the night....and slept...slept late and deeply...the bed was warm...we slept so close that we could feel the breath of the other...it was intimacy in its purest form...and it was beautiful....we turned something practical...like two utensils...side by side...into an intimate artisan piece of one...and we were both better for it....
I think...just maybe...although two utensils have their place...and sometimes a fork just won't do...you just need a spoon...
(Just when I'm afraid I've run out of ideas someone wonderful says something that becomes my blog for the day....Thanks to Kathleen for the tag idea....I can't take credit for that...I wrote the rest though...)
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