Can You Handle This?....

After this weekend's humbling and embarrassing display of "I haven't got myself together yet"....I had to ask the new man in my life...can you handle this?  I wasn't particularly expecting a burgeoning relationship just yet...I did ask the universe for an opportunity to try again...to find someone who loved me deeply...the way I've always wanted to be loved...a love that I could reciprocate without an emotional smack down...I just didn't expect it to happen before the one year anniversary of my divorce...

And...so...I asked him...can you handle this?  He said he could...he also asked me to calm down...to stay still for a moment...that everything was okay...I've never had anyone do that for me...The situation didn't escalate...because he knows himself...he is confident in and with his commitment level....and I clearly am not...

I went to my friend's house and cried...not immediately...First...I numbly talked about other things...we had lunch...proceeded to work on projects together...and then she wisely asked me...was my reaction indicative of the deep feelings I had for him...in other words...did I react so strongly because I felt so deeply for him...then I cried...cried because I really did fear that I would lose him...that he wouldn't be able to handle my fears or emotional challenges...as I relearned how to live and love...I cried because I was terrified to love someone again...what if he hurt me...and what if I couldn't handle my fear or emotional challenges...

Still...he is here...he didn't cut and run...in fact...he just sent me a text to ask if I am alright...if I feel a little safer...I just cried again...It seems...to me...that he can handle all of this...that he can handle my ups and downs...and that those ups and downs matter to him...probably more than they have mattered to me...I guess I have to ask myself why that is...

My friend suggested that maybe I always kept myself busy...so busy that I didn't have to deal with anything...In a sense...she was saying the same thing that this man is saying to me...stand still...calm down...I don't know how to do that...I never have...but I better learn...at least start practicing it...But first...and foremost...I have to ask myself a question....

Can you handle this?....