A year ago...I wrote my...well...last post...at least I felt it would be...but then...we never really know the future...
I remember when I decided to embark on my...vision quest...2011...I was lost...tossed aside...and very alone...I had wanted someone...someone to call my own...and destiny said no...I had wanted children...and through many twists of fate...it never happened...I felt that I had been denied...all the things that I had asked for in life...that a glass ceiling made it possible to see...all that I could not have...and so...I decided to leave...I decided to go somewhere that it seemed no one else wanted to go...where the air is damp...the spiders large and where no woman should want to travel...alone...but then I'd often been alone...and was again...the writing was on the wall...Fate had twisted me...and so I twisted my life...and forced myself...beyond my fears and low esteem...to teach...in the Mississippi Delta...
The first day of being a novice...no...inexperienced...no...idiot turned teacher...I told my new students I loved them...before I had ever met them...and it was true...I loved them more than I loved myself...and it was through them...that I learned to love myself again...I traded with them...writing...really writing...and they gave me myself back...how had they known what I needed...140 students...bright...brilliant...beaming faces...questioning minds...sometimes frustrated...but always believing...and sometimes chewing on my pens...
Dalvin Franklin...yes Dalvin...turned me into a buyer of many pens...he was in my morning class...not the next Alexander Dumas of literature...but a sharp...quizzical mind...who finished all his assignments...often before other students...unable to keep his bottom in his seat...and...unable to use my pens...without chewing the end off...twisting them into unrecognizable...objects...and then promptly returning them to my desk...and taking another...because they were replaceable...Ms. Lew...why are you making us write this...Ms. Lew...this doesn't make any sense...Ms. Lew...one day I'm gonna make you write an essay for me...
That was two years ago...and...about four weeks ago...he contacted me...through Facebook...from far away...because I had done what I set out to do...and came home...Now..he had done what he set out to do...He had achieved what all my students had achieved...to beat the literacy goals for their school district...and move toward Senior year...and...whatever the future might hold...because we had written...and written...and written...together...but...on this day four weeks ago...Ms. Lew...I need your help...with English...
Now...he wasn't in trouble...but he knew that learning was serious business...and he knew that I had promised...to always be there...We talked for a bit...I did my troubleshooting...he did the question asking...and then the listening...at last...we brought the discussion to a close...just like in class...and I told him...I missed him...he told me that he couldn't wait...for me to come to my other home...home to them...to him...for the graduation that I promised to attend...if they promised to work hard...he told me that he was a good boy...and I said...I know...because...he was...
This weekend...he died...found twisted in his truck...somehow fate had chosen to take him...and like my pens...leave him an unrecognizable object...the difference...he is irreplaceable...there is no other Dalvin to take his place...I have found myself crying...at inopportune moments...unabashedly...
Dalvin...why are you making me write this...Dalvin...this doesn't make any sense...Dalvin...I am writing this essay for you...Thank you for contacting me...you know...you boys rarely do...thank you for making me take time out of my day...once again...to be with you...Thank you Dalvin...for helping me love again...to live again...thank you for pushing my buttons...and the buttons on your phone...so that we could negotiate...one last time...
Dalvin...you never knew this...but you...and all your friends changed my life...and I am better for it...I'll see you soon...in a couple of weeks...we'll talk for a bit...we'll both laugh...I know I will cry...just like I am crying now...but that's okay...it's all good...I know my way now...I won't be lost again...oh...and Dalvin...don't worry...
I'll be bringing you my pens...
