Boulevard of Broken Dreams...

In 1942...Edward Hopper painted a snapshot of a corner diner...with three individuals at a counter...and the man behind the counter...serving them...It was meant to represent loneliness...isolation...and commonality between four strangers...In 1984...Gottfried Helnwein...replaced the individuals with Marilyn Monroe...James Dean...Elvis Presley...and Humphrey Bogart...all who died senseless deaths...and represented loneliness...isolation...and commonality between four individuals...who were actually strangers...to each other...What could this possibly have to do with anything...

Three years ago...I decided to try online dating...I was working in rural areas...I worked all the time...and I was alone...very alone...no family...no children...and the life I had known disintegrated...right before my eyes...but...being the idealist I am...I decided that there are ways to connect with others...to find that just right person...to reach out...and fill that empty place...beside me...or maybe inside...

It is an understatement...to say that I gave it my very best shot...I have been discriminating...and then I have dated indiscriminately...I have shared the condensed version of my life...so many times...that it actually bores me...I have dressed young...dressed up...dressed down...even wore a dress...I have listened to other's stories...it feels like millions... I've worked out...gotten worked up...been worked over...in four separate states...and overseas...and I am still incredibly...incredulously...single...

It would be easy to say...I will be alone forever...the fact is...I'm not alone...there are a lot...thousands...millions...of people who are alone... worse yet...lonely...and...because it is so easy to connect on the internet...they are barreling over...and through...other alone...and lonely people...and the trail of blood tells the tale...and I'm not so sure...that I haven't hurt my fair share of searching individuals...

You would think...that with so many people alone...and with advanced technology to help us...that we would connect...learn about each other...live life to its fullest...and love...long and hard...Instead...we learn nothing...stop living...and love...for the moment...We treat each other...as if we are dispensable...disposable...like fast food...

We shake our bowed heads at victimization...we cry out at bombings...we shake our fists at the heavens about poverty...unfairness...abuse of power...and then we step on the hearts of those around us...we all do it...it's so easy...so unimportant to us...because...in the back of minds...we've decided...oh...they'll survive...they asked for it...well...they put themselves out there...there's plenty of fish in the sea...The longer I have participated in roller derby dating...the more bruises I have obtained...the more that I have felt that I am broken...sometimes shattered...and the more I hear the shattering stories of slashed dreams...murdered hopes...and crushed self worth...

I guess...there is a purpose behind it all...I have met some wonderful men...who I just became friends with...and I read that people meet the love of their lives online...but it just seems to me that...as all these strangers come together...meeting in bars...or at parks...or just at a diner...the picture that has been painted for me...looks very much like...one of the most famous depictions...of individuals coming together...and still being alone...

I made the decision to stop...stop it all...stop the online dating...and the frenetic attempts...to meet someone...I suppose...this means...I may walk alone...for a long time...maybe forever...but...maybe...it will make more room for people who care about me...who want to spend time with me...and for myself...to let my talents...and aspirations grow...I realize this puts me on a path of my choosing...in uncharted territory...but I believe this is a better...kinder...more fulfilling road...that instead of following others...I will  be blazing my own trail...It may get bumpy...or muddy...or boring...but with all the unknown...it will get me where I'm supposed to be...faster...then travelling the unsafe transit system on...

the boulevard of broken dreams...

Table for Two...

Yesterday...I hopped into my car...and headed out...My first choice was Atlanta...but I had turned in that direction for someone else...not me...similar to all the decisions I've made in my life...my intended journey was for another...So I changed direction...and came to New Orleans...

As the green trees whirred by...and the bright sun broke through the clouds...of my troubled mind...I knew that I was on the right path...With my bruised ego in the passenger seat...we discussed all the mistakes of my past...the injuries...the loneliness...the deceptions...and the shelved dreams...We reviewed the relationships...found...then lost...the places...within myself...where I had culled out space...so that someone else could set up residence...only to have them walk away...and the time spent filling in those gaps...with grains of sand...leaving me heavy and empty...and as I drove and discussed...windows rolled down...those tiny...heavy fillers...slipped away...caught by the wind...By the time I reached Lake Pontchartrain...the only thing that filled the car...was the delicious briny air and bright sunlight...I felt energized...and at peace...with myself...just the two of us...old friends...war buddies...

As dusk fell over the French Quarter...I took myself out to photograph the dark and sorted corners...street performers...couples...the working individuals...and the drunks...I sat at a bar...gulping an ice cold beer...and spoke with a young woman...risking a safe life for pursuing her dreams... I saw myself in her gestures...and the tilt of her head...as she described her risky plans...silently I said an artists prayer for her...then I slipped away...

Two blocks away...I shared a laugh with a hostess...at a busy restaurant...and our banter procured a table for me...She...unblinkingly...took me to a table...for one...with two place settings...all around me couples...pairings...groups...in the center...me...and that's when it came...the simple text...from a new potential suitor...I thought I'd send you a note...I know you must be very lonely there...

I paused...and looked around...only to catch myself in the mirrored wall...I was grinning...at myself...I hadn't even felt the corners of my mouth turn up...I think I might have been grinning the whole night...maybe the whole day...I inhaled my last oyster...dipped my fried green tomato into the last of my remoulade...washed it down with my second icy beer...and my ego sent a text back...Oh no...I'm not lonely...I chose this...I'm sitting in a beautiful restaurant at a...

...table for two...

Better...You Bet...

Years ago...I found a dirty patina painting...tucked away in the back of a dingy flea market...Patina is a rare find...someone used their hands to form the delicate plaster...and carefully placed each detail on a carved board...and then breathed life into the images...with paint and brush...At first glance...the piece screamed ugly...in the poorly lit corner...islands away from all the other treasures...but there was something...I couldn't put my finger on it...No..maybe not...this wasn't of value...and I walked away...

Weaving my way through the market...I looked at...and temporarily fell in love with other pieces...only to put them back...after a few moments of touching and holding...losing interest as fast as it sparked...and all the while...that patina kept popping up...in the corners of my mind...maybe I would go back and give it a second look...well...maybe after I checked out this other item...after all...this one was sparkly...jazzy...everything I needed to know was right there...for the world to see...

Two hours passed...my hands were surprisingly empty...and that patina had moved to the forefront of my brain...I easily made my way back to the dark corner...and there she sat...until the moment I took her home...wrapped in old newspaper...only to place her in a corner of my living room...and forget about her for two months...

One ordinary afternoon...with nothing better to do...I unwrapped her...pulled her into the light...and with moistened q-tips...I carefully brushed away the years of dirt...Oh...she had some dings...bits of plaster missing...but...oddly enough...those missing pieces weren't from important parts of the painting's meaning...they only added to her character...and the untouched areas...were absolute beauty...

With each swipe of my tiny tool...the colors became brighter...her story unfolded...a young woman tending to her garden...caring for her home...and welcoming all to step through her gate...The more I unearthed...the more I was taken with her beauty...simplicity...and honesty...No complex messages...no agendas...everything she had to share was right there...and now the world could see it...

I wondered...why it had taken me so long to spend the time to clean away the nastiness...that had enveloped her...why had I felt so comfortable...passing her by...leaving her sitting alone...forgotten...and unappreciated...now...I couldn't imagine my home without her...I own nothing better...

Today...I looked in a mirror...after years...months...weeks...of uncovering...me...I wondered how I have put myself in corners...allowed dust and dirt to collect on my dreams...and talents...And as I scrape each layer off...as I work through the crevices of my life...removing the junk...and place myself in a different light...I am beginning to see my story...the one that was meant to be shared...the one that many have walked past...for something sparkly...jazzy...as I sat silently...waiting...waiting for the ordinary day...that I would take the time...to unearth the delicate patina of me...

Oh...I'm still working...slowly...patiently...this may take a bit...but every time I ask myself...will this get better...will I get better...I answer myself...yes oh yes...

...better...you bet...