Oh...Now You Tell Me...

For almost a year, I have been dating...it seems like everyone...but that's only because I don't like dating...at all....You name it..I've had my experiences...a lot of them were not enjoyable...and certainly not uplifting...In fact...my dating experience was going so poorly that I was beginning to think I was a leper...and just hadn't acknowledged it yet...

Then I met Relationship Man...we're in one...a relationship...that is...albeit new...it's a relationship....I admitted it and agreed to it this week...It's exciting....and terrifying...all at the same time...literally...I might even be having a fake panic attack at this very moment...Nevertheless...I'm loving this and him...

But...of course...my phone begins ringing...off the hook...Mickie...I'd really like to go out again...Mickie...I'd really like to hook up...Mickie...Remember me?....Mickie...I know I didn't want a relationship...but I miss you........What the...?  I mean...really...what the...?  What is different now that we haven't spoken for weeks...months...a year?  Did some mystery email go out that updated my status...made me unattainable...and...therefore...fascinating?  Really?  What the....?  At this rate....I should be receiving a call from Mr. 25 years tonight....

I've come to believe that when it rains it pours...and that it is feast or famine...All of this is incredibly frustrating...and confusing...I truly can't figure out if I am being tested or tormented...And worst of all...I was happy to tell the first late comer that my situation had changed...but by the third...today...yes...today...I was feeling a bit anxious...was I putting all my eggs in one basket?  What if Relationship Man backs out?...Then I would be devastated...So...why am I confused?...Why am I freaked?...And I am freaked...

I am in love with Relationship Man...I'm afraid to admit it...I'm afraid to invest in it...I'm terrified to be knocked down to the floor and left to watch Miley Cyrus movies again...and cry...I can jump out of a plane...but I can't stand the thought of having my heart ripped out again...RM...we'll call him that to placate my laziness in typing....RM  hasn't done anything to cause me to feel this way...It's just me...me and my fears...actually...active terror...

So..I have tell myself...this is part of it...love that is...love after losing love...the heart is resilient but not inhuman...We learn from our mistakes...good and bad...and it is perfectly normal to be scared...only if I am not ruled by fear...I'm not ruled..but fear is carrying scepter and wearing a crown...I didn't think it would be like this...I thought it would be easy for me...that I would bounce back...I think it's more like I am coming back...slowly but surely...I'm just wondering when someone was going to tell me this...Wait there's another text coming through...Can we go out?  I really like you...What the....?

Oh...now you tell me...