What I Want...

I didn't want to write today....just didn't want to...It's not that I had a writer's block...I just didn't feel like saying a word...In fact, I was quiet most of the afternoon...I slept...I ate...I watched a movie...and I didn't speak...not even to my cats...I think I just needed quiet...I still do...I'm only writing because I made a promise to myself...

I'm wondering how much of myself I keep quiet all of the time...I think a lot of me is on a gag order...I have been asked a lot...lately...what I want...I haven't been able to answer...that part of me is quiet...I found a list today that I had written out...an I Want list....It was filled with things...It was ridiculous...I don't need anything...

I had someone tell me that he sees me...and I wanted to say that I see me too...and I keep that quiet...that part that I see about myself...Someone told me today that she knows me and described all of these things that she knows...and she actually knows very little about me...just enough surface things to feel as though she has her finger on the pulse of my subconscious...I kept quiet about that...

I'm not sure that I know how to express myself...or my desires...sometimes I am afraid that if I start verbalizing all that I want...it will set the world on fire...and so I keep quiet...Sometimes I move my lips...silently saying I want this...I want that...but...mostly...I just think it...Sometimes I think so hard that my head hurts...

Right now...I want to be free of many things...I want to know what the future will hold...I want to be a writer...for my living...I want to have June hurry up and get here...and then December...I want to forget everything bad...or painful...that has happened...I want to sleep well...through the night...

I want...I want...I want...that's what I want...