My days are mixed....they are like "grab bags" that stores often put together so they can sell the...well...crap...that no one will buy if they actually had to look at it. Some days...I open the bag and it is filled with ordinary things..useful...necessaries...nothing really wasteful....Other days...they are filled with some wondrous treasure that I am full of glee that no one else actually saw it and took it from me....and then there are days like today...where I actually feel like I've been handed a flaming paper sack and when I stomp on it to put out the fire...it's filled with poo...
I'm trying...I really am...and today just felt like I was down to my knees....the universe has obviously made some definitive choices for my future and there is little I can do to put in my two cents. Some of the choices are amazing...some of them are just painful...and I have no idea...one moment to the next...if I am handling any of them appropriately...
I'm fairly sure that I am the world's worst friend....that I'm actually still struggling with my own life so much...my own fears and junk...that I'm just keeping it together and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other..sometimes....and then a friend needs me and I'm a bumbling fool....I'm trying to be thoughtful about what I say and instead I just sound thoughtless....I'm trying to be strong and rational and I just sound hard and overbearing...I want to be a "rock" for them....and I am...quite literally...I'm pretty sure the bruises will heal in a week or so...I'm not being hard on myself...in fact...I think I might now know a little bit of what it feels like to be a man...
If I can't even handle these important moments...how can I possibly hope that I would be worthy of a wonderful relationship? Because I have one...of many...and I fumbled...I dropped the ball...this moment feels hopeless...Hey! Did someone say I'm helpless?...
Knowing you haven't been there for a good friend is very hard. It's feels worse than not being there for the person you are in a relationship with..perhaps because in that situation you have lots of chances to make up for it and it is likely that your relationship person has not been there for you on occasion and you both work through it. But with a friend you don't always...usually anyway..have the geographical closeness that forces you both together and it is harder to bridge the gap that not being there for them has caused.
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