Wearing my Uncomfortable Clothes....

As I sit here in my baggy sweats...hair piled on top of my head...no make-up...and glasses on...I feel safe.  No one can see me...no one has to care...and I don't have to care that they don't care.  I'm in my own personal space...and it's already been established that my cats are not phased by my appearance or behavior.  I realize though that I have spent most of my life being uncomfortable once I walked outside my door.  I have been uncomfortable in my own skin.  I have been uncomfortable in all of my relationships....because I have lived in fear...

One would think that my early life created my fears...but I'm not so sure.  I have always been afraid that people would discover who I am or how I think or what I come from...I have given up great things in my life for fear that someone would find out the truths of me...Yet...even as I say this...I wonder what it is that is so scary about me that I should hide it...there are no bodies in my basement...my kitchen isn't a meth lab...I don't sell children into slavery or skin puppies and kittens...What I have done is bottle up everything about myself so that when I do enter a new relationship and we are alone...I spill my guts....I talk about all the things that I never talk about...and I overwhelm the other person with...me.

I went to a counselor for a year, at one point in my life, and it was like receiving therapy from Celine Dion.  Not only was she French Canadian, but I never worked through anything because her only concern was that  my heart would go on....that I "trust" her...that I believe she would think about me on her vacation and that I make sure to write out my check at the beginning of our session.  I believe we focused on her fears instead of mine.

About three years ago...I was contacted through classmates.com by the man who assault me when I was seventeen and I panicked....went into a state of shock and my husband said to me, "I thought you were over this.  Didn't you say you went to counseling?"  I believe we were focusing on his fears instead of mine.

As I have been writing...some of the responses I have received have alluded to my reasoning for putting everything "out there"...or back peddling about the fact that they aren't really afraid about what they admitted to me...in the past...they just saw it as an inevitability...they were just being realistic.  I believe they were focusing on not admitting having fears like mine.

You know...it's all bullshit...excuse my bluntness...At night...when we are all alone...and the only thing we can hear is the pounding of our own heart...we all fear something...most likely, many things...and what's even more terrifying is to have someone else admit to fear...admit to weakness...When that happens...we don't think about them...we think about ourselves....about how a turn of our head or blink of our eye will betray us...will tell our truths....

My best friend Jackie, who passed a year ago, used to tell me "never, under any circumstances, let them see you sweat"....and I didn't....I haven't and it hasn't saved me...And, I believe that where ever Jackie is right now...she knows that what I am doing now is braver than anything I've ever done in my life....and that I am blossoming because of it....

This journey is freeing me...allowing me to talk with others about things...other than myself...because that is already taking care of....I don't care who reads this...or what they think...as long as they think...they can dress how they want...speak their mind how they wish...like what I say or dislike it...as long as they feel something...something real...on their terms...because I'm going to do the same...every day...

I may be wearing loose clothing at this moment, when I write...and I may not have a shred of makeup on...but I can tell you...in my life....until the day I die...I will live authentically....never again will I be caught wearing my uncomfortable clothes....