Leaving Behind....

My entire day encompassed catching up...trying to catch all the grains of sand that have fallen through the cracks...bills that needed to be paid...responses to emails long past...organizing what needs to be packed up...what I want to sell...what to keep...

It seemed that at every turn there was something that I forgotten about...my pack ratted drawers overflowing with items that I don't even know why I chose them to begin with....and it seemed with each item I threw out...nine more appeared....so much to do and so little time....each moment filling with one more thing that I felt was important to do...but no less important than the other twenty....

There is a part of me that wants to sit back and enjoy...but I know that what I am headed towards is where the enjoyment I crave is waiting...not that I am racing to get away from anything...I already feel a sweet homesick pain that I have never felt before...in my entire life.  I know that I will be leaving what has become my home...filled with people and things that have...not only come to define me...but where I am home...

But I am filled with a sense of urgency...my inner clock is ticking as I hurriedly move forward with each important step.  I am anxious to see my old belongings disappear and find homes with others...so that they can become treasures again...instead of anchors...I look forward to feeling lighter...freer...newer...than I have been...ever.

Even as I drove home late last night...from the warmth of good friends...and snow came at my windshield in the dark....I ached and pressed forward...at the same time.   There is no such thing as too much of a good thing....there is so much good here and there will be so much where I am headed....Each turn of the road...each  moment I pass and each one I see in the rear view mirror...they are all so important...important to me and a part of me forever...

My whole life....maybe I have been confusing falling behind with leaving behind....