Early in the relationship, that would someday become a marriage that ended by my ex taking a dive off the deep end to make something stop, I bought him a birthday gift. He promptly turned around and bought me the same one for my birthday. I wanted to be the cool girlfriend that would get him something crazy...irrational...and something that said I wasn't afraid for him....He bought the gift for me...because he wanted me to share the experience with him...He never knew this...but I never wanted to have the experience I wanted for him...I wasn't just afraid...I was terrified...
The expiration date on our gifts was three years...and for three years I manipulated situations so that I would not have to go through with the gift...he couldn't wait....And...then the time was up...we had one week to use the certificates or lose all the money that had gone into them...I prayed for a horrible illness for myself...then he could complete his experience and I could clap from afar...The illness never came...I was perfectly fine the whole week...except for the taste of bile in mouth...
Then it was the day...the morning of this dramatic action and he could not contain his excitement. I grinned from ear to ear just like a dog does right before it throws up on the carpet...he never knew the difference. We sat through the demo...we suited up...we shook everyone's hands and we stepped into the plane with no passenger seats and no right side wall...and climbed to 10,000 feet over the Royal Gorge...
I made jokes like I always do when I am terrified and don't want anyone to know...he was quiet like he always has been when he encounters something serious. This was his gift and suddenly I realized I was thinking not of him but of me...there was no way out....I couldn't admit to terror...he would never understand...he was never scared of anything...and I was afraid of everything...I couldn't let him know I was afraid of this....
When the final moment came...he jumped first...but right before...he looked at me with the same gray-faced look he gave me when he had to tell me that he had been sleeping with another woman...It's an odd thing to see fear on another's face...and then he was gone...just like at the end of our marriage. The man strapped behind me whispered to me "I'm not going to push us out...if you don't lead, we won't leave the plane...you have to be the one to jump..." I looked out at the sky...which looked oddly white...grabbed the edges of the opening....and leaped....
At first..just like the end of my marriage...I was screaming inside and trying to remain calm on the outside....things were spinning out of control...and I felt incredibly sick....as the wind rushed past my ears...as the plunging took place into...what felt like nothingness...I just wanted it all to stop...I wanted to back up and have a "do over." My ex was gone...I couldn't see him and I was alone in this craziness...that everyone had said could be a very exciting moment...
And...suddenly...everything did stop...it slowed...it became silent...and I could see again....My stomach settled...I could feel it all...and the air caressed my face....and this time I did yell "...this is beautiful...if I can do this...I can do anything..." I was right...everything continued to change after that moment...my life was never the same...the more that I disappointed my ex...the more I pushed myself out into the open...I couldn't help my decisions any more than he could help his disappointment...
It occurred to me today...that often what is initiated by someone else...is often the best thing for you...you just would never have chosen it...But...in the end...it's you that has to truly jump...I had thought... the end of my marriage...was the jump..but it was just the initiation...my jumping came after...and I will never stop again...for myself...and so that I can be the best for those that I love...including me...
In the end...it isn't him but me...that should be taking a flying leap...
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