If I Only Had One Day....

A little over a year ago, my best friend set foot into the first day of her dream job.  I mean...from the first day I met her...she talked about what her goal was...her dream....all of her others had been achieved and she had one last one dream.  She achieved it gloriously...brilliantly...proudly...and within a few steps of entering the doors of this her greatest adventure...she collapsed and never revived.  I miss her terribly at times...her laugh...her rowdiness...her demeanor...her love of life....but she didn't regret...and neither do I ...there was nothing left unsaid between us...She knew I loved her...She knew all that she felt she needed to know about me and I her.  Her death changed me...irrevocably...and I find that I can no longer not take chances on life.  I mean real chances....the ones that I used to fill me with fear and embarrassment.

We tend to think that taking chances are like jumping from a plane....running naked through the street....calling someone a "bitch" in a checkout line.  What if jumping from a plane is really going after that "outside the box" job that everyone says is out of your league....or if running naked through the street is really standing in front of someone you love...baring yourself...knowing full well that it will mean nothing to them....And, instead of calling that person a "bitch," asking them if they are okay...if there is anything you can do to help and really mean it when you say it...

Every day I look in the mirror and realize that there are million reasons how and why I shouldn't be standing here...and I don't know how many more minutes I have.....what would I want my last words to be?  What if the person I wanted to say something to wasn't there for me to express those feelings?  Who would I want by my side and who would I not?

These are not questions of self pity or moroseness...these are the things that people spend the rest of their lives grieving over.  These are regrets....if I try anything with an open heart and hands....how can I possibly regret?  I don't control the world...I'm not that powerful that I can cause others to do what I want...but I can tell them what I want...what I wish for...and what I would be willing to give in return....and isn't that where the real power lies...opening yourself up again and again...so that you don't lose.  If the other person walks away..it really is their choice...their loss...

Isn't that what life is really all about....the ultimate do over....the promise of another chance...the promise that you don't have to be perfect...that you can sing loudly and horribly...or dance and fall down...or love again and again and again...and there is no finite number.

I am not perfect...I grumble under my breath...I roll my eyes...I drag my feet....but never again will I keep silent caring about another person....never again will I not take a chance on love...never again will I not try something out of fear that I may fail....I am supposed to fall on my face...so that I can do it again...I wasn't meant to be perfect...or a cookie cutter person...or safe....I was meant to live wildly and wonderfully and go back and "do over" until I feel no regret....

I will live as if I only had one day.....