My mind has been going a million miles a minute...I'm a bit stretched and stressed. There is so much to do...in so little time...I'm an A, B & C planner and I have to leave 50 % of my life...up in the air....my eye is twitching. The other day...I was talking to my very organized friend and I said "...blah, blah...my ex thought I was OCD about cleaning the bathroom..." There was dead silence...she turned to me...while driving and said matter of factly "you are OCD"...didn't crack a smile and kept driving....she might be right...I just need to organize my thoughts...
As I try to plan for my near future...I am struggling with the "what ifs" that continue to rear their ugly head's...WHAT IF..I can't unload all of the junk that I have collected over the last decade...WHAT IF...I'm not hired as a teacher...WHAT IF...I don't date for two years in Mississippi because the dating pool is so small that it pinch hits for a puddle...WHAT IF...I don't have the right shoes out there....WHAT IF... I have the right shoes now...but I sell them all...WHAT IF...I can't find an apartment...WHAT IF... I can...but I can't afford it...Basically...it's stupid...dumb stuff...and yet it's keeping me awake at night....
The real questions should be....will I be the best teacher that I can possibly be?....will I be inventive and creative in my teaching method?....will I be able to pass 4th grade math? This is what I should be asking...and...now that I am...that's on my mind too...Whatever happened to the days that I could just roll into bed and sleep soundly...or did I ever have those days?
The relationship stuff is now past and I am moving on...or am I...does this OCD pattern...that I supposedly have...hurt my relationships and not just me? Do I make my issues someone else's...if they share my life? My best guess is...yes...I do...this isn't good...it borders on bad...How do I stop this?...or curb it?...or deal with it? I need to figure this out...but soon...
So...I'll think about this...later...It's time for bed...I need my sleep...right now...I lay me down to stare...
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