I think we believe what we are saying...when we say it...I mean there are blatant lies...we've all used them...we've all heard them...but there are the things that we say that really turn out to not be true...over time. "There will never be anyone but you..." "I've never felt this way before..." "If something happened to you, I would never love again..."...even.."I love it when you do that." All of these sentences can be truth in one moment and later become a lie...or at least feel like it....
I struggle now with sentences that are said to me...as I find myself single again....I'm not sure how much romanticism I have left or did I have too much to begin with? I want to believe...like I used to...that love...in a partnership....is possible. I want to feel that I can trust the other person implicitly....but I worry that part of me might be gone....but maybe that's a lie too...
I thought I wouldn't get over a 25 year hope....now I see it for what it was and is....it all felt real and sweet and painful....and now....it just feels like it didn't exist...very much like my marriage. Already...the things that hurt deeply before are funny now...the burning is gone...the burning desire...then the burning pain....so were they all truths? Is truth relative...does it change over time? And...if all of this is so...what is the truth of my future?
Is there anything that I can say about what I believe will happen that won't...one day...be a lie? And...why is so much of this question connected with personal relationships...in my case...man/woman...and not about my career aspirations...my personal goals. Is it a truth that I was never meant to have long lasting love with another? Is it a truth that I am meant to help many and that is where my relationships will be? God...I hope not...I want to help many...but I want something for me....something special...something that lasts....something real...something that isn't a lie....
For now...I guess I am meant to travel alone and not have anyone be a part of my life in an intimate way....liar, liar pants on fire...
If it was real at the time..it was real. Everything changes...that's a fact..but it doesn't mean that it wasn't real.
ReplyDeleteIn my case R was a loving, caring father. Because he no longer is doesn't mean that it was a lie, that it wasn't real. But everything changes..it's the law of nature.
P