It's an odd feeling for me to not be stressed about everything...and maybe I still am...I don't know....I'm not sure that I care that I don't know...there it is...the 5th stage of grieving...ambivalence...My life has become calmer...quiet...almost...and I know what I need to do next. I've organized...and prioritized...but there is a part of me that feels like it needs a long nap...
I've constructed some peace offerings for myself to reward my progress...I went to the doctor...had the full work up done...so I wouldn't worry about that...I've started taking a couple extra days a month off...just to feel like I go on staycations...worked out a plan with my orthodontist so that my braces will come off early...treated myself to good haircut and conditioning treatment...SuperCuts would just be punishment...and I sleep with a huge thick blanket down the middle of the bed...so I can drape myself across it and feel like I am not sleeping alone...that I am being held...
My finances are organized and I have been diligent in scheduling...but there is this huge part of me that is working through all of this due to force of habit. I don't have any feelings about any of this yet....I know they will come...but I've planned the risk taking...I just haven't actually jumped yet...maybe that's it...I can't jump until all the baggage has been eliminated...sold...thrown out...left behind...
I think this is the stage that I've never allowed myself to stay very long....I don't want to be trapped here...that's the fear...The reality is that I'm exactly where I need to be and that moving any further along would be preemptive....so...I'll just shuffle along...chipping away...one issue after another...being quiet and continuing to plan....
I keep thinking that eventually I will go back to being my old self....maybe that's what feels most awkward....I don't think I will ever go back to who I was...I'm not supposed to...I am becoming...what...I don't know...but... more than I ever had the ability to dream I could be...No one ever taught me that once you go beyond the concrete dreaming of things that you move into the misted abstract dream world of possibilities of self....I've never given myself any room to discover this....
So...here I am...long-haired...barefoot...alone...but not lonely...sleeping with my Blankie...one foot in front of each other...slowly weaving through....
In the land of ambivalence....
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