In a time when we want to know everything and can find out in a moment's notice...we ask how many calories are in that serving....will these jeans make me look fat?...are these products animal tested?...what's the better bargain?....what should I watch on TV?...should I wait until the movie comes out on HBO?....which direction will get me there the fastest?.....we ask...ask...ask...ask...and then we ask again...
In the work I do, the running joke is that for every situation I find my client in, I will ask how things can be done differently.....have all avenues been explored?...what's the next step?...was that really necessary? I just went to Home Depot and made the poor guy explain everything about every type of flooring and ...then...pull out his calculator to figure out the best price per square footage....He found it oddly charming...we laughed a lot and I went home with the best choice for my money and he was no worse for the wear....
So...if I can do all of that....why do I find it nearly impossible to ask for what I really want in a partner? I mean...I long for partnership...not because I'm lonely...but I enjoy sharing life with someone...I loved coming home to someone...sharing my day...laughing over dinner...and I even remember the times that I was looked at with desire...that someone thought I was beautiful and funny and talented...and that I thought they were brilliant and warm and loving....I want that again...but I want it to be lasting this time.
I'm afraid that doesn't exist for me...I'm painfully afraid that the truth of my life will be how successful I am in making a difference in other's lives and that I will come home to myself....that everyone will perceive me as this woman who...surely...has someone in her life that cannot wait to hold her in their arms and that will never happen for me again...
I have asked for so much in my life...to escape my childhood...to survive all that happened to me...to be more...much more than I was raised to be...to become a person who does not personify all the pain and trauma that I have experienced...that I would create and be a part of things that would help others...that I would be able to take care of myself...not needing to have someone there, because I can survive on my own...I've even learned how to go about having children..through adoption...if I so choose...
I have an education and am moving toward increasing that education, while still helping others....I want a home...and I will have it in a few years...I have friends who don't just put up with me...but care for and about me...I am writing and can already see that unfolding into whatever I might choose....and I want a RAV 4...blue...and I'll get that too...I am almost overwhelmed with all that I have achieved in the face and words of those who swore that I would be nothing....I learned and know how to ask for all of this....I have asked for all of this....I am a statistic that breaks all the molds....and yet their is one thing I long for that I have no mold...no idea of how to create one...how to help shape this being into existence...who might love me for all the beautiful facets of who I am ....flawed and unpolished in some ways but with an unmistakable cut that alludes to my great value....
I want them to want me for all of that and not because I am flawed...not so that I can make them feel better about themselves by pointing out all of my failings....but, that they don't feel the need to question flaws because we all have them....I want to be able to see me...reflected in their eyes and still recognize myself....But, what if my requests are all used up....what if I have asked for too much...pushed that envelope much farther than ever imagined...
And what does it matter...it is for all of this...that I am afraid to ask...
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