Running On Empty...

One thing I have learned over the years is that my body will tell me if I am beyond my capacity...if I am pushing too hard to do too much...I try to not listen...I will continue like a freight train and "make" things happen.  But, it appears that my body has shut me down for a couple of days.  Two straight days of blinding migraines...which I haven't had in...well I don't know how long...have laid me flat.  I almost passed on posting the blog....but I figure what I'm doing is just as much about the non brilliant days as the insightful ones....

I fear that something much deeper is going on though.  I fear that I am truly running on empty....that I am at a low point...very low and not admitting it.  It's not supposed to be this way...things are supposed to get better...maybe I'm living in such a rural area that I am really feeling the loneliness.  Maybe everything about my life right now is telling me to move away...to start over somewhere else....Maybe I am tired of having men who are emotionally unavailable, but want to feel that they are connected to me so that I can fill their empty well, contact me at moments when I start to feel at peace with myself.

When I was about four and my mother had taken me away from my grandparents...my grandpa went out and bought me all kinds of things that would stimulate my creativity...a small drum set...guitar...and easel with drawing pad...and a long list of other items because he knew I would have no toys where I was going.  A couple of kids in my new neighborhood caught wind that I had all of these treasures and invited me to come out and play with them...if I brought my toys.  I was elated and gladly dragged all of my toys out to share with them.  They told me to sit on the steps and that I would play the audience...while they performed...that soon it would be my turn.  And...so I did...they played for hours with what belonged to me and I sat and watched.  Each time I asked to have my turn...they said "just one more minute."

One more minute never came...they broke my treasures....grew tired and left me to carry in...crying...all that was left of my used up belongings.  I fixed them and played for years with those broken toys...never complaining.  I am still playing with my used, broken toys...items that have been damaged...or manipulated out of my hands...jobs that I have created that others receive credit for...ideas that didn't have to be stolen..because I shared them in the hope of teamwork.

And now...I'm here in the dating world surrounded by men who don't care about who I am...only will they get me into bed...will I send them naked pictures....will I drive two hours to see them, but leave early enough so they can get a good night sleep....no guilt on their part...no concerns...and I wonder how a woman can maintain her dignity and keep trying to put herself out there or if there is anyone left...

All I know is that I don't know how much more of this I can bare....every part of my being is running on empty....