Someone I love very much shared with me their greatest fear...that they would die alone...in a cold room...no one by their side. I listened...told them I would be there for them...if they let me...it was a platitude...a hollow response to a very deep and painful fear....this is what I should have said...
I no what you speak of....Everyone has fears...great...deep...painful fears. Some of us believe we will die a horrible death...act of God...natural disaster...a vicious murder. I fear none of those things. For much of my life, I have envied those who have died...they looked so peaceful in death...they no longer worried...feared...or hurt and I wanted that too. I wanted to close my eyes...in whatever way possible...never to open them again....and never feel again. One day that stopped for me and I wanted to live...I just didn't know how...
Then I began to attempt living....I stumbled around....grasping at anything in my path to hold myself up and move forward. As I learned to walk and then run....I thought I had escaped everything about myself and I was far from all that I feared...and I feared less and less...
In my marriage, I felt that everything was addressed...all my fears were no longer needed. As my marriage crumbled...I could have feared so much...I hurt...but I had hurt before...I was angry...but I had been angry before....I felt lonely...but I had felt lonely before....except for one fear. It slowly grew in my belly and threatened to escape my lips so many times...At times, I would be talking with a friend and I wanted to grab then and shake them and tell them of my terror.
Throughout my life...people have slipped through my fingers like fine grains of sand and the more that I squeezed my hands tight...the faster they slipped away. Each day I get older and as I feel the aging aches of my bones...watch my skin loosen and the smile lines deepen...I am forced to face it...to look it square in the face....and though I feel the quaking in every fiber of my frail human form....there is no escape...Each day I reach out...hoping that I will have some effect on my own life...this unfolding story that I fear has already decided my ending.
Yesterday...I spoke to a friend and asked her to hold an envelope that would contain all of my last wishes...pictures that speak to who I am...all the things that I love or have loved and what I hope my last moments would be....because there is no one to speak for me...there is no one to write about who I was...no one to know where my pictures are....how I wear my hair....how I hold my hands...how I laughed....
I would be there for you...I would stop everything and run to your side...I would speak for you the very best I could...I would try to say the things that you might never say for yourself....but I feel that I will likely die alone...no one will be there...I don't fear death....but looking around me and no one being at my side is painful to imagine...
I am so terribly sorry that I failed to tell you that you are not alone....I am sorry that I didn't share with you that what you said shook me to the core, because I had never heard my thoughts come from someone else's lips...I failed you...and myself....What you feel is real...as it is for me...there is nothing I can say to make you feel differently...I wish I could....I hope we are both wrong...
Of all the things that could cause me to clutch myself in the night....it is dying alone in a cold room that is my greatest fear.....
I would have to say that I believe this to be the great universal fear. It is why we do a lot of things we do..stay in bad relationships, have fb "friends", and pile up and continue to acquire stuff (as if our stuff will help us in those lone dying moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, life). I also believe that we are alone in life. I don't meant this in a negative or pessimistic/fatalistc way..just in the way that we are, ultimately, all responsible for our own happiness-or not, as the case may be. This doesn't mean than we don't live life in a way that we hope will "guarantee" us some loved ones who will be there for us. But as there are no guarantees I am aware that I (any of us) could be totally alone and need to learn to accept that without aversion or fear. Got a way to go on that one. I think this is your best ever and that's saying something.
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I agree that this is a universal fear and probably the one that most of us are most unlikely to admit...It's interesting the relief I feel in saying it out loud...fears only keep us captive, if we are unwilling to voice them....I'm just letting things go...and making room for wonderful new things...glad you are part of my life :)
DeleteThis is the first and only blog I have read so far. It's interesting in I am also contemplating some of the fears you talk about. I read this several days ago and felt I needed to reply but wasn't sure what I wanted to say. I knew I didn't want to be judgemental in any way because it would invalidate what you were feeling. I however was stuck on the idea of being alone in this world. Instead of alone I have fond that the word Oneness has a different meaning that I am holding onto instead. If I am one with everything in this universe then how can I be alone? I am trying to embody the idea that we are connected to everything. We are individual expressions of the universal expression but there is no separation. If ideas manifest into experiences based on our true belief in them then I don't want to plant that seed in my consciousnesses. Oneness feels much better. It creates a feeling of love, life, joy and beauty. I am far from being there yet but through meditating and plucking those bad seeds out ( ideas I don't want) I'm getting a little closer. I love you Mickie you have taught me so much. Thank you for being you.
ReplyDeleteThe term "alone" usually sends shivers down people's spines, but it's not the same as "lonely." Often we stand seemingly alone in our principles, our recovery or our journey. I believe we need to be ok with that...if we aren't...we run the risk of doing anything and everything to have someone standing right by our side. This is exactly why I talked about this...it's real and it scares the crap out of everyone...not just me. We are part of something greater and, in the big picture, we are not alone..figuratively. Literally...we spend a lot of time alone...
DeleteIt's not a bad seed to embrace the ability to be alone...to be ok with being by yourself...the only danger is falling prey to loneliness...feeling disconnected and abandoned. I search for oneness with myself...even on the days that I am positive that I am a jerk and no one would want to be around me...I'll let you know when I have reached true self-actualization....my hope is to find it before right before I die...because I will surely not find it before...but it's the journey that counts, isn't it? Much love to you...
It is the journey! One that each of us does have to experience in our own unique way. I would rather take this journey alone then to spend it not being who I am. I have taken that road and it didn't work out well for anyone, especially me. The being who I am is the journey that I am figuring out at this point. Much love to you also.
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