With this Risk I Would Thee Wed...

Several years ago, against everything in my mind and body that keeps me safe....I leaped from a plane at 10,000 feet...and floated to the ground under a parachute that could have collapsed or torn or pulled me off course...it was a huge risk...and one that I needed to do...even though I saw it as needless.  Why would one put their life at risk, just to have an experience?...

Finally...it happened...the question that I was dreading and knew was coming...Do you think you will ever marry again?  My answer...I don't know.  How could I know?  I understand the question fully...all of the implications and I also understand that each day alone...I run the risk of having no one in my life that I share the deep intimacy of commitment.

I spoke today, to a group of students and was asked, "What would you say if someone said this........?"  And, to that question I said..."I don't know.  What would you say?"   There was a long silence...because...if you are living authentically...without preconceived ideas...you don't know, until it happens...if it happens.  "But wouldn't you be risking being unprepared?"  I responded..."But, wouldn't you be risking...anyway...that you still weren't prepared because they asked the question in a way you hadn't imagined?"

So much of my live...for survival's sake...has been about having specific answers and responses to specific events.  But...for the purpose of just living life...which is not about survival...you can never know exactly what you will do and neither do I anymore...And, is a choice any less of a risk just because it doesn't feel like one?  Isn't everything a risk...especially when we love?  Don't we risk that they might not love us as much as we love them?  Isn't possible that one of us will love unconditionally and the other will love us as long as we _____________?  And...isn't probable that we might both love with great capacity and that one of us might die?  The mathematical equations of love are endless and each one carries it's own risk.

Although my fears tell me that I might be alone for the rest of my life....that no one will love me the way that I hope or feel that I need...that I might die alone...no one at my bedside...I do not feel that risk is worth racing out and "falling in love" with the first decent person that comes along..the risks that are birthed in the wake of impulsive decisions are greater than the risk that I might live an authentic life taking risks based on the  person I should trust most...myself.

So...in the end my answer to "Do I think I will ever marry again?" ...I would say yes to taking a risk on someone else that I might love and feel peace and passion with...if that happens...not because I'm searching..but because we fit like two pieces of a greater puzzle...no forcing things to work...no girlish dreaming ...no pressure from society or acquaintances...and no unrealistic expectations.  Although...this may sound dry and boring...there is nothing manufactured or cookie cutter about this....as with everything...there is still the risk...

In the end...my embracing of risks...keeps me open to the most intimate of risks...and, so...with this risk I would thee wed...