I Don't Want....

I was eight when I first spoke out angrily about what I didn't want.  My mother had sat crying beside me on my bed, as she begged me to be "nicer" to the man she was married to...that I should just "understand" that his beating me in my sleep was only because he loved me and wanted me to be better.  She sobbed as she explained that I should "love" him more or he would leave, and she hit me when I told her that she was weak.  When she left me alone and bruised physically and emotionally in my room, I clenched my fists and my teeth as I growled, spit spraying from my lips..." I don't want be her.  I don't want to be a weak woman.  No one will ever break me down."  I'm not sure what eight year old does this, but I did...and it changed everything for me.

My entire childhood was filled with mental and physical lists of "I don't want..." and as an adult, those lists have grown so long and engulfing that I can barely see the light of day.  Since I have started this blog, I have been asked by many what it is that I do want....and my answer...I don't know...I don't know what I want...and quite frankly...I'm afraid to ask....What if I ask for something and it's coming from a strictly emotional place?  What if I ask for something and I get it ...and I don't know what to do with it?  I asked for my ex-husband and he cheated on me...did I fail by not including.."I want someone who makes pancakes, has blue eyes and won't cheat on me..."?  I don't know....Honestly...I only know how to state what I don't want...and...when I do have a moment of clarity and say clearly and with an open heart..."I want...."...I get it...Lord help me.

Here's what I do know....I want to be a writer...not just of grants or letters that help other people or even just this blog...I want to be published...I want to make part of my living from sharing my ideas and dreams with others.  I want a website that shares information with the ex offender population and their families...real information...that connects them with people who can help and include a forum where they can ask questions and share answers and ideas.  I want to write a screenplay about working with the population that has chosen me and about their stories...mixed with mine...and, I want to teach...I want to work with students and watch them grow and debate and question and turn in their homework late for no good reason....

Yes...I want to grow my hair long...I want it down to my elbows...in my way....with all of its' curls and unruliness...just like me...pushy and unruly...Yes...I want to have my braces off my teeth...Braces in your 40's are not hot...they should be called Hot Pockets, because they hold a mixture of ingredients that you will eat as a snack later...even after you have water piked and brushed your teeth...And...I want to loose ten more pounds...although the French Silk pie I just ate will not help that endeavor...and is now stuck in my braces.

Lastly...I want to experience love with a person that worships my unruly hair...thinks the food stuck in my braces is adorable and offers to spoon feed me French Silk pie, while I drink diet Pepsi with it, but supports my need to work out like an idiot afterwards.  I don't care how old they are... but I would prefer to have someone in my life young enough to not be a grandfather candidate...No matter what age they are...I want them to not be afraid to love...openly...honestly...faithfully and simply....because I want to do the same....and I haven't for most of my life...

In all...I want to begin wanting things...everything...and I want to keep going....and going...and going...From this moment forward...it will be about what I want...not what I don't want....