For those of you who know me....what I'm about to reveal....will come as no surprise...This next sentence is not the surprise....I'm a city gal...transplanted in NE Colorado through a failed marriage...His family inhabits most of the plains region and...we packed up our wagon and moved out here...and then he left...but...before all of that happened...I came face to face with my...to this day...my greatest nemesis...For those who don't know me...this tale of terror will keep your light on for nights and have you swearing off potluck dinners....
When I was new and fresh...and no one really knew me...especially my ex's family...I was invited to a "dinner"....(I should have known something would go wrong...by the ominous soundtrack playing in the background) I agreed wholeheartedly...knowing in my heart..that I had never failed when it came to food...When I asked what I should bring...the response was...a salad...This was going to be like taking candy from a baby....I make amazing salads in my sleep...
I carefully planned my ingredients for taste and color...a certain amount of crispness and lettuce that had deep green tones and no bitterness...I also brought along an assortment of dressings...I was an arsenal of delectable delights...When I arrive at the matriarchal home of grandma in charge...I timed my salad making perfectly...secretly grinning inside...They were going to be so impressed...
Dinner began with many people around the table...many...(my ex has an enormous family)...and food was passed...everyone eating with sheer abandon...and in the middle of this cornucopia of deliciousness...sat my salad...I had some...my ex ate two lettuce leaves...but no one else touched it...What made everything more confusing was that every salad plate was filled with odd variations of jello...
There was orange jello with carrots...sweet sour cream stuff and shredded cheese...strawberry jello with fruit I didn't recognize...tossed in cool whip...And...why was everyone using their salad plates for...what looked like dessert?...Just when I thought my confusion could not increase...after dinner...I was pulled aside and asked..."I thought you were going to bring a salad...?" The sweat collected on my brow....as I looked at my full salad bowl...."Um...I did...(weakly pointing to the bowl)...uh...that bowl...that's the salad.." "No...I mean a salad..." "I don't know what you mean..." Uncomfortable sigh...."...A jello salad..."
Several months later...at another extended family gathering...as I walked around a table overflowing with homemade goods...I stopped by a bowl that was filled with something that looked like melted creamsicle..."Oh...you should have some of that dear...It tastes just like orange sherbet..." Orange sherbet...being a childhood favorite...was all that I needed to hear...as I piled my plate high...
I took in the first spoonful...a large one at that...and as I chewed...I could feel that gelatinous goo grow larger in my mouth...as the elderly woman stood beaming in front of me..."I'm so glad you like my salad.." The horror grew in my belly....as I became aware that I would have to eat everything on my plate...while controlling my gag mechanism...
Over the past decade...I have attempted to master the mystery of the jello salad...not because I want to eat it...but because I wanted to fit in...Truth be known...the day will never come that I can whip together this terror in a bowl...In fact...I can be stopped dead in my tracks...when I am asked to bring a salad...My great fear is that they mean...jello salad...and that I will fail miserably...I can't even eat jello anymore...not even plain jello....I am afraid of it...it is my failure in food form...color it anyway you like...if I had ever been able to accomplish the jello salad feat...I would probably love it....But...it has whipped me...just like the cream that is folded in...and when I walk past a bowl of my enemy...I swear I can see it winking at me...reminding me that I am only human...and that jello will survive long past my death...No matter how you cube it...mix it...or freeze it....
J-E-L-L-O...this is how I spell fear...
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