Here I sit...alone...long weekend...filled with much silence...so much silence that it is deafening...and I have to ask myself...how did this happen again?...All the work he...the new man...put into bringing down my walls...only to throw up his own...and shut me out...keeping me at a distance...exactly what I don't need...anymore...
Welcome to the anger stage of grieving again...I feel as though I should get frequent flyer miles...I've been here so much...and...I have to say...it actually makes me feel lonely...I don't normally feel lonely...but days like today...really do make me feel like a leper...like there is something desperately wrong with me and I am doomed to a succession of budding relationships that turn to dust in my hand...
I could try and rationalize...saying that the universe is saving me from a big mistake...That I have guardian angels looking out for me and protecting me from bad relationships...but I'm beginning to believe that the guardian angels are blocking me so they can date the guys themselves...I think they're putting on lipstick and tight tops and stepping in front of me...looking back at me and saying...this is for your own good...and really it is for theirs...Because someone else keeps getting all these potentially great guys and I'm left eating another piece of sheet cake squares from Walmart...(they run about $1.50 to $2.49...now you know I'm telling the truth)....
These days...I'm looking good...for the most part...feeling good...making headway on future goals and the universe is showering me with career opportunities...fabulous...and I'm still alone...I know you're thinking...this is just a bump in the love road with this guy...but really it's a sign of how problems would be dealt with...in this relationship...Change or struggle or mood...would be the motivating factor to have this person shut down...so..how does that help me overcome my hypersensitivity...it doesn't...it makes it worse...believe me...although it did get me to go out and run two miles...and spend the rest of the day sneezing...
So...here I sit...hoping beyond all hope that my phone will ring...but it won't...the silence it too familiar...to much like a miserable home that I keep coming back too...At least this time...I won't watch Miley Cyrus movies or the English Patient....but I will continue to wonder if the universe and the guardian angels truly have my best interest at heart...
Or if they are just setting me up for failure....
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