Peace will Come to the Little Valley...

I took a couple of nights off...from hearing my own voice...I had to...I was irritating me...I believe that my cat was so irritated...that he threw up all over the house...or...he may have eaten too many moths...I've been going on and on...about me...but I'm really in the "in between"...I'm in between where I was...and where I'm headed...and I'm trying desperately to control all of it...What's wrong with this picture???

I've been hanging on to all the fears...built up through my entire life...but I'm not afraid...or...I should say...there is little that I fear anymore...Hanging on to the security of being motivated by fear...is what I've been doing...It's annoying...to me and those I love...It's time to stop it...or I will throw up all over my house...

I spent time this weekend with two different couples...who have become close friends...I talked with the feminine half...and I finally listened to the masculine half...What the hell have I been doing all this time?...I think I've been running my mouth...So I shut up...and listened...

Yes...Dave...the proof...facts...evidence...is that I am so far beyond my mother's cruel words...that they don't even pertain to me anymore...and I don't know what other people are thinking...I have great instincts...but I don't know...

Jim...I do need to give the man I love a break...give him a rest...let him do what he needs to do...not what I need him to do...because I don't need it...I know how to take care of myself...I'm already doing what I need...What the hell am I driving him for?...You'd think he was a herd of cattle...and I was a Border Collie...one of the pretty tan and white ones...just saying...

My brain feels like my rented house...half empty...chaotic...scattered...half painted...My guess...is that if I spent half my energy on organizing my real responsibilities...working out...spending time with my friends...packing...my poor William would feel peace...and be drawn to me like a moth to a flame...instead of feeling like I doused him in lighter fluid...and lit a match...There I go thinking I know how he feels...again...

I just need to turn my attention to what is important now...the things that will make a difference for my future...I need to find my center...the center of my being...a place that I want to be...that others will want to be...that place where I can just be...Because I already know who I am...I need plenty of space...I have so much that I want to do...I've broken through that glass ceiling...and I am zooming into places that I only dared to dream about...If I can zip my lip long enough to take in everything around me...If I can stop dancing like a maniac...in place...maybe...just maybe...my frantic movements...will become something else...

And...peace will come to the little valley...