I am in the second third of my blogging and....as with any emotional journey...once you dig through all the steaming piles of ...what looks like your problems...at the bottom of each pile...you find your core issue...Now...a lot of people would say...this is a really good time to take a break...which is just code for...I don't want to face my real issue...But...I want to face mine...it has caused me much pain and is such a weakness....that others can use it against me...Relationships...that's it...just relationships...
I've been functionally broken most of my life...and my ability to manipulate situations to accentuate the positive...has enabled me to become a high functioning broken success...depending on the angle you look at my history...True...my mother... regrettably hated me...She taught my sisters to...as well...My only living relative...my aunt...is bitter...angry...and has dementia....So...currently...she hates me...but can't remember why...I'm fairly sure that my ex hates me deep down...but can't stand the thought of anyone disliking him...so he won't admit his anger...And those who did love me...growing up...died thousands of miles away from me...when I didn't know they were dying. Ironically...those who have loved me unconditionally...outside of my family have all died...as well...except a few that I know of...that I hope love me...in some way...Truth is...I wasn't raised to connect with love or anyone...for that matter...I chose to attempt to connect...broken girl that I was...and I still try...to this day...
Broken people flock to me...because...well...I see them....and I don't judge their brokenness...How can I?...The world is full of broken people...that believe they are fabulously together...I have the utmost respect for individuals who admit their flaws...and chips...and dings...There is a beauty in it...there is a beauty in sadness...pain...loss...Most of life is not the smile that we see in photographs...it is the expression before the picture...or the next day...or when they are alone...No one snaps that shot...too scary...that's where I have lived ...my entire life...on the fringe of the crowd...watching...taking mental pictures of those moments that we all pretend don't exist...This isn't meant to be pitiful...just truthful...Most people feel they know me...and sadly...it is all I can do to show who I really am...and they never notice that I actually stand to the side and watch...
Working with the Getting Ahead curriculum...made it possible for my shell to start falling away...But I still have a crustiness to me...sharp edges...and raw underbelly....Yes...I can mark my life's progress...and timeline all the losses I have experienced...I can point a finger at those defining individuals who taught me to mistrust...to fear...to feel shame...to feel rage...But...at the end of the day...when I'm standing alone in the middle of a field and I'm hoping for my life and love to rocket skyward...I find that I can't get off the ground...not because my thrusters are malfunctioning...It is because I'm actually lying prone...clutching at the earth...in terror at not having solid failure under my feet...It is time to say...
Houston...we have a problem....
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