I have been facilitating the Getting Ahead curriculum for almost three years now...and as my participants reach the midway point...they start to see where they have been...and they get angry...They see...often for the first time...all the things that have been holding them back...all the things that have caused fear to well up within them...and the individuals who have blocked their path...Anger isn't always a bad thing...Sometimes it can be immensely cleansing...and so it is for those I work with...and so it has been for me...
It hurts when you face the truth...the truth of your situation...the truth of those whom you held close...and the truth of yourself...because it is often you...who betrays yourself...and others who support that betrayal...I mean...what if you moved forward...what would that say about them...So...they passively stand by...while you destroy your own future...Ahhh...relief...now none of us have to change...
Often...as I stand beside...not in front...not behind...my participants...I become their sounding board....I'm angry...I know you are...I've wasted time...I know you feel that way...I want so much more...I know you do...I have to leave these other things in order to get what I want...I know...I know...
It's at this moments...epiphanies really...that I feel that I am going to be affected again...and again...that change will touch me...and what will I do next? How will I embrace change? Will I be angry? Will change look the way I hoped? Or...will I be on my knees...crying to the heavens...begging for mercy? Odds are all of these questions will be answered...in ways I never imagined...and the end of each shift...life will find me standing...square...on my feet and on a road I had never acknowledged before...
I often wonder...when I emotionally hold the hand of a struggling...changing participant...who is helping whom?...Is their change helping me change?...Was it going to happen for me anyway?...Or did your realization and action move me forward? Which one of us are the butterfly wings...and who is floating in the rippling waves of movement? Maybe we have thrown ourselves...together...into the the abstract air...and we are hurdling toward the concrete future in tandem...Does that participant know that I am free falling with them?....
I want so much...is that too much to ask?...I know you do...it's all okay...I never thought I had the right to want...I know that's true...I am going to have to walk away from all of these things...I know you're correct...Why does it have to be this way?...I know this is difficult...I hate you for showing me this...I know that it hurts...I'm scared about what I will become.....(silence)....
I know you are....but what am I?....
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