One of the great mysteries of my childhood was my mother's relationship with religion...I know what you are thinking...Oh God...this is where she talks about God...No...not really...This is where I start off talking about one subject and end with another...
My mother moved from religion to religion...the way most people change their clothes. Her greatest concern with organized worship was the fear of false prophets...According to her...they were everywhere....they presented information and ideologies to the public and lived their lives entirely different...in private....And...in truth...through her mental illness haze...that was a brilliant insight...Of course...my being baptized eight times...in eight different religions...was a bit much and definitely brought me back down to earth...about her wisdoms...
She pointed these false prophets out everywhere...how they traded faces....and gave people what they wanted...when they wanted it...to save those faces...And...so...I began my wariness with others...I didn't want to fall prey to false prophets myself...This was just another danger to avoid...
As I grew up...I became quite fascinated with the idea of wearing different masks for different people...First...it was for my physical safety...eminent dangers....Then...it was to make my way into the world...to find acceptance...Soon it was to assimilate...to blend into society...In the end...it was all about moving ahead in my life...I always promised myself that I would never use my skills to hurt anyone...that I wouldn't be a false prophet...I would use my ability to manipulate situations to help others....and so I did...
Here's the thing...in the process of honing my skills in positive manipulation of situations and how I present myself...the negative aspects of this behavior slowly crept in...Like little dark shadows...they attached themselves to my good intentions and soon I was damaging...me...
You see...I began to believe my own fabrications...that I was far removed from where people I help are in their lives...when I connect with them...This includes those I love...most of all...the ones I love...Instead of protecting myself from dangerous people....I had grown adept at protecting myself from getting too close to anyone...
And...so...like a thief in the night...I climb aboard other's life ships...assess their situation...their strengths...their weaknesses...and make my plan...I usurp their needs and organize a plan...slipping it back to them...keeping just enough distance and professional performance...to allow them the opportunity to develop ownership...and then I slip overboard and sail away emotionally...The farther away I drift...the vaster the ocean between myself and any emotional involvement with another...It's a very small boat that I live on...with high sides and enormous sails that catch all the wind to take me away...
All of this high seas thievery...would make one think that I have ill intentions for others...in fact...it is quite the contrary...It is a lonely life that I live...with the sea as my husband...my lover...my family...my confidant...Only this deep...deep ocean knows how alone I am....that behind my tough exterior...my marriage to professionalism...my eye patch...I am terrified...terrified that if I stand still too long...someone will see me for who I am....dirty...barefoot...fat lipped...black eye...fighting back tears...fists clenched...hiding quarters in a metal band aid box...counting stars...counting the days until I turned eighteen...and then living in my car...not eating for days at a time...bathing in public bathrooms...lying about who I was and what I came from...
I am everyone that I help...that I work to assist...Every person...that is struggling...that is hurting...that feels forgotten...or is in pain...I am them...I've never really left those condemned houses and trailers I lived in as a child...I think I may still be sitting on the steps...watching the other children with their melting ice cream and clean clothes...I am still that lonely child...and I fear that everyone will see that I am a fraud...an untruth...
I may make my living as a prophet leading others to a promised land...
But inside I am a false pirate...
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