And...Scene...

I am a graduate of the American Academy of Dramatic Arts...and I am proud of the work I did while there...I'm also proud to be a classically trained actor...I'm even proud that I was forced to study mime...even though I'm good at it...and can't stand it at the same time...Having said all this...I need to share that I hate drama...And...guess what this last year has been full of....drama...

I enjoy the excitement that comes with new things...the butterflies...the anticipation...the fantastical experiences...It's invigorating...it makes you feel alive...fresh...reborn...Here's what drama feels like...acid stomach...sleepless nights...dry skin...chewed nails...and you feel inevitably old...worn down and out...Gee...I don't know why I wouldn't enjoy that...so many other people do...or so it seems...

I see it in my clients...everything is calm and even...then I receive the frantic call...filled with drama...drama...drama...They aren't satisfied with a scene well played...it has to mirror the helicopter scene in Miss Saigon...So..they will go back and re-do an event...until it is ripe with drama...No one passes away...they are die at murderous hands...No one breaks up...they bitterly fight...clawing and swinging...and somehow...someone ends up pregnant...but they don't know who's child it is...

So...as this past year has progressed...into this year...I have attempted to grasp opportunities of peace...but...just when my fingertips brush calm...some drama develops...and there I stand mouthing "what the....?"  With humble honesty...I accept responsibility for my struggle with lightning responses to triggers based on my experiences...Here's what other responses I accept responsibility for....

• Just because I am in transition from a very painful year...doesn't mean that I live in that place...no one has the right to categorize me as a particular type of person...based on a year of major trial...period...

• I am not desperate...I am reaching out...I am trying everything...desperation sounds like this..."please! please! please!..."...period...

• If you have heard me say..."please! please! please!..." and you have responded in a passive aggressive way...that "please! please! please!..." was your one opportunity...anything after becomes a fruitless game...you get one chance to jerk me around...one...period...

• My willingness to be kind...is my unwillingness to be angry inside...I have been angry most of my life...I'm tired of it...it's a waste...period...

• If you have been cruel to me...and then I'm kind to you...it's pretend...once I get past the pain...I don't feel anything for you...but that can change over time...I may care for you again...but I will never trust you again...period...

• Yes...I do struggle with the fear of losing people I love...I have lost almost everyone I've ever loved...some have been beyond my control...some were those I loved even when it was bad for me...many have died...and some I loved even thought they didn't love...even hated me...that started with birth...This isn't drama...this is real...maybe not for you...but I'm not you...I'm me...I'm sorry you aren't comfortable with my life...but tough...If this is worst you ever experience...great...I actually do a pretty damn good job moving forward in life...making lemonade out of the lemons I've been handed...deal with it...period...

• You don't have to like everything I do...I don't like everything you do...I can guarantee that...that's why we are two different people...Even identical twins don't do everything the same as the other...period...

• I am your friend or lover....not your entertainer...I'm sorry that I have things that I have to deal with...that's called life...I'm not on earth to spend all of my time keeping you happy as you deal with life's challenges...Friendship is...I'm there for you when life is difficult...and you let me help you...and vice versa...period...

• Conversely...I'm not your punching bag...don't treat me like crap...period...

• I don't like being talked down to...or analyzed...any more than you do...I don't know you more than you do...and you don't know me more than I do...we can just see each other more objectively...period...

• If you just want me to listen...tell me up front...I process verbally...don't yell me at after you haven't told me what you need...period...

• Lastly...if there is something that needs to be worked out...just work it out...don't dictate how I need to twist myself up to work things out for both of us...It doesn't need to turn into a three act play...talking over the phone is fine...meeting up when it works for both is fine...Basically...if we were three thousand miles apart...I wouldn't drive five days to meet you face to face...I'm not rich...If you are in my life...you probably aren't either...you make an effort...I'll make an effort...If one of us isn't making an effort...then it probably isn't a worthwhile activity...pretty simple...period...

Even though this has been a long monologue...please don't consider this a dramatic reading...I'm not crying...I'm not shaking my fists at the heavens...and I don't have "I'm psycho" eyes and a working jaw...I am simply stating facts...Probably...you have facts of your own...maybe you should state them too...just to put them out into the universe...That doesn't mean that I have to take them to heart...They may not be about me anyway...

And...scene...