I am preparing for my fourth...and final garage sale...The house is about empty...it's cold and bare...I only have left the things that I will be taking with me...on my great journey...into the unknown. This is the second time...in my life that I have been stripped bare...and had no clear picture of what the future would hold...The first time...I walked out of my mother's house....nothing in my hands...her raised voice trailing behind me...and I slept in my car for months....I won't be sleeping in my car this time...but I don't know where I'll be sleeping...
I have thrown out all the pictures...all the trophies...the things that belonged to others...that I have clutched...and held onto...for fear that losing it...losing them...fearing I would find me...all alone...I'm not quite alone now...but I have been spending a lot of time by myself...I don't know if I am completely comfortable with me...just me...and sometimes I feel as though I am stepping into a tempest...one that I have asked for...I believe I've been asking all of my life for this freedom...this peace...
It's odd though...peace doesn't always feel peaceful...at first...It can feel desolate...uncomfortable...when all you are accustomed to is chaos...Everything feels fleeting...not unbalanced...but all the trappings that I have insulated myself with...are slipping through my fingers...like sand...
There is a part of me...that wants to stir things up...and start collecting again...because when I do that...I don't have to think...and right now...that's all I do...I think and write...and think some more...and then I write again....I am more organized...not OCD...I'm sort of losing that side of me...Each time I cleanse myself of belongings...I worry less about my tidiness...there's just so much open space...that everything is already tidy...It's almost as if I have never really been clean like this before...
So...as I look around...I see that I only have things left in my life that I need...that have a true purpose...Even my cats can feel that everything is changing...I am changing...I wonder what all three of us...the cats and I... will be at the end of this journey...or will the journey even end...Maybe...this has been my life's dilemma...I love the journey...I love the unending experience of growth...in myself...and seeing it in others...I get so excited about other's wonderful experiences...their landmark achievements...and I've never given myself room to experience those things... indefinitely...on my own...
Maybe...before I go to sleep...I'll make one more turn through the house...and see if there is anything else that needs to go...anything else that is holding me down...holding me back...maybe I'll open all the windows and let the breeze blow through the room...Maybe I'll put all my blankets on the bed...throw on my sweats...because the cats don't really care...pile up the pillows...settle in...and prepare to dream...but not before...
One last sweep...
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